Friday, August 15, 2014

So, I'm getting married tomorrow...

And won't be blogging today or over the weekend...but I PROMISE to write before we take off for our honeymoon because I'm just a good time like that!

Thanks for your well wishes, everyone! I get to go marry CB!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Our Friends and Family Hate Us: Noted.

So in the last 24 hours, I've received two text message chains that confirm for me that, apparently, our friends and family actually not-so-secretly hate us.

Here's the first one:

Last night, I get a text from CB's cousin - who also happens to be standing up in our wedding, might I add - with a simple little smiley halo guy. I was like "Did you just send me a smiley halo?" and he said "Yep" and I was thinking that was a little strange, but also thought maybe he was just feeling sentimental about the wedding. Aw.

Cut to:

Me: "Matt just sent me a text of a smiley halo."
CB: "He did? It wasn't an accident?"
Me: "No, I even double-checked. I guess he was just being nice!"
CB: "Hmmm, that doesn't seem like him. Something's up."

Me, checking Facebook to find this video tagged with my name:

video




Me: "I hate your cousin."
CB: "Yeah, that seems about right." 

And then this text exchange happened:




Me: "Like I don't have anything else going on in the next few days? Now I have to pour a bucket of ice water over my head? Can't I just donate?"
CB: "That will never fly with Matt. Should we do it now?"
Me: "Absolutely not, I'm alphabetizing 172 name cards right now!"
CB: "You're gonna have to do it, you know."
Me, grumbling: "I know. And I hate him."
CB: "He knows. And he loves it."

Uninvited.

***
And here's the second: 

This morning I awoke to this text from our friend and neighbor upstairs: 


Uh, just in case you don't feel like clicking over to that link, I'll nutshell it for you: an American man's body was found in a suitcase in Bali at a resort town just south of where CB and I will be staying in approximately one week. 

Me, showing the text to CB this morning as we got ready for work: 

CB: "What?? Why is he showing us that now?"
Me: "I think he just wants us to be safe and aware."
CB, laughing: "But it's not like we're still deciding where to go, that ship has sailed! You know when that would've been useful? 6 months ago!"
Me: "Well, if you promise not to get into any suitcases, I make the same promise and we'll hope for the best."
CB: "Deal."

Happy Wednesday! 


Monday, August 11, 2014

Brides Gone Wild

So, for weeks now people have been commenting on how calm I seem leading up to the wedding. That I don’t seem stressed at all and I’m the picture of a cool and collected bride. I mean, I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically the gist.

Uh, don’t sound so shocked, EVERYONE, I don’t understand how you’d expect me to be any other way!

However, I think the calm exterior is my way of shielding people I love from the insanity that lurks just beneath the surface. The stuff that I keep close to the vest for just those special few (hundred) to witness. Because yesterday morning I had a moment that shocked even me, but only after it happened and only just a little bit. I’d totally do it again, let’s get real.

You see, ever since I got my wedding dress back from the seamstress, it’s been hanging all safe and secure in the closet of my friend’s apartment down the hall. And every day since that moment, I’ve thought about the time when I would FINALLY get to put it on and twirl around and become the best version of my true self that there could possibly be. Which obviously involves a very pretty dress, I can’t even believe I’d have to point that out to you guys.

But yesterday morning it’s possible that I may have gone ‘round the bend, even for me. SEE, universe!? This is what happens when I deny myself something that so clearly is part of my soul! I hope you’re proud of yourself.

You see, our friends have been gone on vacation for a few weeks, and we’ve been collecting their mail, watering their plants, and generally just being awesome neighbors. So yesterday morning, I dropped their mail on the table and went to use their computer and printer so I could make bulleted, printed lists of everything we need to pack for our wedding weekend and honeymoon. Obviously. That’s just good planning.

However, as I sat and waited for the computer to turn on, I could hear something calling me from the closed door behind me. I mean, I know that in general, inanimate objects don’t speak to you, but I think that rule is waived for brides? I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.

So I thought it’d be a harmless little visit just to say a quick hello and reassure her (what?) that I’d be back in just a few days for the real deal. Which I really do think was a solid plan, especially since I was alone in someone else’s apartment listening to the 80s Love Songs Pandora station on their computer while making duplicates of lists and scanning important documents in case a giant barracuda decided to end it for me in Bali.

I've been practicing my
whole life. 
Anyway, I don’t know how exactly I found myself zipping up the dress and standing in the middle of an apartment that wasn’t mine, spinning around and feeling the serendipity of the exact moment when I found a full-length mirror and the Peter Cetera song from “Karate Kid II” came on.

I said I don’t KNOW! Quit judging me!


However, I think I pulled it together quite well, in the end. I mean, I did sort of stare and twirl alone for what may have been 10-15 minutes. That part is true. And I may have even contemplated just keeping it on while I worked on the computer, you know, just to make sure it moved alright and I could sit and stuff. That’s also true. (but I didn’t, which shows maturity and restraint.) But I totally think it’s normal to pretend to get married in the mirror while 80s love songs are playing in the background and you’re alone in someone else’s home envisioning what CB’s face will look like while he says his vows.

THIS IS HOW I HANDLE STRESS!

And it was glorious.

So, I apologize in advance to anyone who will be spending any real-life time with me leading up to this weekend, because there’s an insane intruder wearing a bustle who can’t be reasoned with rising very quickly to the surface of my being. AND SHE’S SO EXCITED! (and apparently yell-y.)


Happy Monday, everyone! 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First order of business: I want to adopt a puffin. Also, I may be less productive than usual given my responsibility to watch the Puffiin Cam 24/7 now.

Carry on.


***

This week's book is "The Snow Child" by Eowyn Ivey. Which, I'd like to point out, is the re-debut by my sister onto the book blog! She took a bit of a hiatus and then my dad was like "Um, I'm not the only one who reads in my family, why are the rest of you such slackers?" And I thank him for that because he keeps us chugging along even when I'm like "dad, I'm totally posting my book this week." And then I don't. And then he's like "Ok, so I posted something." and then coughs "slacker" under his breath.

ANYWAY. She describes the book as a treasure, so click here to check it out and peruse around for other inspiration!

***

OH MY GOD. This video might rival the puffin cam because I literally have tears in my eyes from laughter. I can't stop watching it.



***

So, while getting ready for work this morning, I turned on one of the music channels and an Ingrid Michaelson song was on. I said "I like her." And then, casually while watering the plants, CB says "So...what's this song about?"

Me: "What's it about?"
CB: "Yeah."
Me: "I don't know, I'm guessing girls who chase boys who chase girls."
CB: "That's it?"
Me, laughing: "I mean, are you looking for a deeper meaning?"
CB: "I don't know, just sometimes there's hidden messages in there or something."
Me: "Oh yeah, hidden meanings?"
CB: "Well music these days, you just don't know."
Me: "Oh my God, I feel like I'm talking to my grandfather about music. You are so old."
CB, laughing: "I'm just saying. 'Boys who chase girls' is the whole song?"
Me: "No, it's girls who chase boys who chase girls."
CB: "Same thing. I don't get it."
Me: "You're a million years old."

And here you have it. Any ideas for CB as to what the hidden meaning might be?

Happy Friday!



Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other day we were watching "Karate Kid" and a commercial for "Titanic" came on.

Me: "See, it could be worse. We could be watching 'Titanic.'"
CB: "I've got news for you, we would not be watching 'Titanic.'"
Me: "Have you seen it?"
CB: "Yeah, I saw it when it came out."
Me: "Courtney and I saw it 7 times in the theater together."
CB: "Please don't tell people that."
Me: "But it's true!"
CB: "Still. That should go in the "stuff I keep to myself" pile."
Me: "Yeah, but if it were up to you I'd keep almost everything in that pile."
CB: "Exactly."

***

Uh, I got the confirmation email this morning from a very nice woman in Bali who has organized our snorkeling excursion while on our honeymoon. It included the following sentence:

"...keep an eye out for the resident school of jacks, bump-head parrot fish, blue spotted sting rays, harlequin sweet-lips, giant groupers and giant barracuda."

So obviously I sent an email to CB. The subject line said: "Um....." and then it was this screenshot.



***

While reading said email and simultaneously watching a terrifying clip on "Good Morning America" about a shark attacking a sea camera:

Me: "Um, it's like the universe is trying to terrify me out of enjoying our honeymoon."
CB: "You do a pretty good job of that on your own. You'll be fine!"
Me: "Um, the shark attacked a camera. It'd totally attack me."
CB, while walking out of the room: "There won't be any sharks."
Me: "But 'giant barracudas' sounds like a good time! They have teeth in front of their face!"

Silence.

Me: "And did she have to use the word 'giant'? I mean, 'barracuda' would've been sufficient."

Silence.

Me: "Also, I'm now going to call you "Harlequin Sweet Lips," ok?"

Silence.

Me: "I'll take that as a yes.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!


Monday, August 4, 2014

Wedding Vows That Didn't Make the Cut.

So remember a few weeks ago when I tried to work on my vows and instead did 14 other things that had nothing to do with vows? Well, I wanted to let you all know that I did, in fact, finish them. And, I might add, I totally finished before CB. It was a contest. He didn’t know that it was a contest, but then I guess that just goes to show that he doesn’t know his almost-wife nearly as well as he thinks he does, because of course it was a race to the finish line.

Unless he finished first, in which case it would’ve just been that I took more care and time to really be thoughtful and he rushed through them because everything is always a competition, CB, ugh.

Anyway, this morning I muttered loudly under my breath that he must be incapable of closing his dresser drawers all the way because they are always half-open. Which you’d think would not affect me in the least, but then apparently none of you know me that well, either, because of course it affects me. Because I have eyes and it’s an assault on all of my senses that see that things are almost closed, but not quite.

(yes, I’ve heard there’s medication for this. No time.)

So then he mentioned that he could have “way worse traits than leaving my dresser drawers open,” to which I failed to see how that was true, and then we went along our merry way being somehow simultaneously a perfect match and unbelievably opposite.

Which got me to thinking that there were a ton of things that I left out of my vows, mainly for the sake of time. However, we’ve got all the time in the world on this here blog, so I thought I’d jot down a few that I totally left out and will certainly include in the sequel should we ever decide to punish our friends and renew our vows a decade from now when nobody even cares.

So here we go, CB:

  • I promise to try to tell stories a little bit faster so that you don’t get bored during the parts when I start to ramble. Which is pretty much all of the parts. But if I didn’t tell stories in our household, nobody would, since you don’t tell any stories until months later and I have to find out that you had an entire 20 minute dog-chase escapade in Weehawken that included other people and a fake dog leash while casually driving down the street where this all happened weeks ago. I can’t believe you didn’t immediately tell me about that, weirdo. But I still do promise to try to ramble less. 

  • I promise to not only invite you to come “sit next to me on the couch” so that you can scratch my head until I fall asleep while watching a tv show you didn’t even want to watch. I do love just sitting next to you, but it’s just that you’re so good at scratching my head that it just seems like killing two birds with one stone…. 

  • I promise to try and not ask you to move to the other side of the counter when you’re helping cut vegetables for dinner even though 30 seconds ago I asked you to stand there because otherwise you were in my way. I DON’T KNOW WHY I ALWAYS DO THAT. I swear it’s not on purpose and I totally sense your annoyance when it happens every time, mainly because you tell me how annoying it is. But I promise I’ll try to anticipate my cooking needs better so that you’re not standing in the middle of the kitchen holding a cutting board and sharp knife in confusion. Because also that may prove to be dangerous to me as time goes on…

  • I promise not to recite all of the lines to the Karate Kid Parts I and II when I excitedly find and watch it on ABC Family. I realize you’re barely keeping it together in the first place by sitting through these classics, and so when I start reciting the lines in the voices and inflections so that it’s just right, it’s probably not your most favorite thing. I realize I did this a lot yesterday – both while watching Karate Kid and also The Bodyguard. Oh, and I promise not to say “movie kiss!” and then try to fake movie kiss you like Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston do at the end when you’re just trying to kiss me hello. I know it makes you want to maybe never kiss me, but sometimes it’s fun and surprisingly difficult to fake-kiss! 

  • And finally, I promise to try not to be so evil when I sleep. I don’t know why I always do that. It’s my subconscious demon-half coming through and I have no idea why I sleep hit you all night and angrily mutter that you’re being too shaky in the bed. But you do flop a lot and you weigh, like, almost 200 pounds. So for a dainty lady like me, it feels like I’m being tossed around on a life raft and it’s terrifying. Partly because I have an eye mask on and ear plugs in and am vulnerable to my surroundings in that moment. But also because I’m a super-grumpy sleeper and I realize I’m the worst.


Anyway…..


12 days, you guys! Happy Monday! 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Friday Wrapup

A lot to get to, so let's get to it!

***
I appreciate you all sticking with me since I've been an incredibly bad blogger lately. Things at work - and in life - have been hectic and just yesterday I exhaled after what was a crazy few weeks. So, now we can officially start the countdown to Weddingpalooza because my focus is back on what's really important in life - parties! (oh, and love. But mainly parties.) Which means I might become unbearable, but maybe also entertaining? So, stay tuned next week when I'm back in full force!

Anyway. I saw this video this morning, which is a bunch of puppies expressing to me how they feel now that my one work deadline is behind me and it's Friday.

Same, puppies. Same.




***

So, recently my readership has grown a bit and part of this - for sure - is due to the fact that I have a new PR person working for me. His name is Jay and he lives in my building and I didn't hire him, nor does he know that he's my PR person. But he does it anyway, and it's awesome and embarrassing all at the same time.

Example:

The other evening I was in our apartment's shuttle van on the way home from work, and one of the other residents leaned forward to ask me a question:

Resident: "Excuse me, what's your name again?"
Me: "Becky."
Resident: "Right, Becky. Well, I just wanted to tell you that I started reading your blog...."
Me: "Oh no! How did you find out about...oh wait, Jay told you, right?"
Resident, laughing: "Yep! He told me I had to check it out and that it's so funny."
Me: "Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. I haven't even really been blogging much lately because I've been so busy."
Resident: "Well I've only read about two so far, but it really is funny."
Me: "I'm gonna' kill Jay. He tells everyone!"
Other resident: "Oh yeah, the other day in the shuttle he was talking to me about it! He was joking that, because of your fans wanting to know more about you, we should have a TMZ-type van that drives through the neighborhood and points out where you live and then he'd be like 'Oh, she's upstairs at the pool. But I can only take three people at a time, so the rest of you will have to wait and take turns.'"
Me: "Oh my gosh, he really should be doing my PR. He tells more people about the blog than I do!"

And then we all laughed about how Jay is the best - and also maybe should be getting paid for his services?

So, I just wanted to give him a shout out here on the blog because, um, you probably know him already. Because he's probably told you that you have to read this blog. And then explained that he wasn't sure if it's cool that he reads it because he's a guy, but then got confirmation from other guys that they read it, too, and so it's OK if you're a guy and you want to read a blog about my underpants without being a creep. (I've heard that conversation happen more than once.)

So....hi, Jay! Check's in the mail!

***

Um, I hope this bear is hanging out around the Indian Ocean in a few weeks so when I start panic-flapping, s/he'll casually come and save me in between bites of food. I love this.


***

My dad is the best and keeps our little book blog afloat in times when I promise for weeks that I'm going to post something and then don't. However, my sister reassured me earlier this week that she has a book she's going to post about, so let's all just assume we'll be seeing that up there next week so we can give my dad a break AND I don't have to write anything, either! Because I'm the worst at doing it in a timely fashion.

ANYWAY, this week's book is "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell" by Susanna Clarke. Click here to check it out and peruse around for some other good summer reads!

***

And now, the Video of the Week. Basically because the song is in my bones at the moment and I'm a sucker for a Pharrell beat. I'M ONLY HUMAN.

Happy Friday, you guys! See you Monday!