Monday, November 30, 2015

Reinventing the Wedding

So this weekend I went to a wedding and it was everything a wedding should be – beautiful and elegant with delicious food, great music, and lots of laughs. However, I had an ingenious idea about halfway through the night that I immediately shared with CB and he was like “Nobody would want to do that. People love dressing up.” To which I yelled “Lies!” while running down the hall carrying my sparkly high-heeled shoes like an over-tired Cinderella.


MOVE OVER Snuggies and Pajama Jeans, there’s a new, cozy Sheriff in town. And her name is Pajama Weddings.

Right??? Let’s Trademark this immediately. I mean, first of all, CB is totally wrong – people only love dressing up for a photo or two and then they’re all like “Ugh, I wish this dress had an elastic waist so I could enjoy this mac n’ cheese bar more.” Plus, I don’t care how fancy you are, after a few hours of eating and drinking a bunch, you pretty much don’t care if you look slammin’ (are the kids still/have they ever said that?). You know what you want to do? Put on your pj’s, dance to a little Beyonce, and celebrate love in comfort.

Think about it – instead of writing “Black Tie Optional” (which always gives me anxiety), you can write “Footie PJ’s Optional.” That way, people who don’t own adult-sized footed pajamas won’t feel out of place, since it was only an option. But if you go full-on footie, you’re right at home. Also, you can really make this a niche market, all fashion designers. Gone are the days of the yoga pants and hoodie (a staple in my household because CB is the luckiest man ever) - now you can get super into finding just the right pj’s for the event. Evening wedding? Maybe a little silk is in your pj future. Summer wedding? A cute pj tank and matching shorts say you’re a girl in the know!

Plus, slippers. BOOM. Mind blown, I’m a genius.

Who's with me. Also, someone get married and do this, I totally already blew it!

Happy Monday! 

Friday, November 20, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!


First of all, thank you for your support of my other writing endeavors on Romper. We've gotten great feedback so far and that's in huge part due to you guys!


Second of all, the book this week is "Anya's Ghost" by Vera Brosgol. Any review with the word "whore" in it is one worth reading! (now if that didn't entice you guys, I don't know what will!)


Third. I went to Vegas last week for work First of all, the description by a colleague that it's basically "an x-rated Disney World" was pretty spot on. But also, WHY hasn't anyone ever spoken about the fact that you have to walk approximately five miles to get out of or into any one of the hotels and that you will gain approximately 8 pounds in three days because the food is delicious. WHY?

Also, even though I was there for work, two friends joined me so they could lay by the pool while I worked and then hang with me while we ate food and went to bed by 9pm. It did come up at one point - as we were snuggling into our beds in pjs while we could hear our hotel neighbors getting ready to go out - that perhaps we were "doing Vegas wrong." But we were too sleepy and full to finish that thought, and so we continued to do Vegas wrong the entire time. Especially because we couldn't convince Mary to spend $50 to see Boyz II Men. They were playing at the Mirage Hotel - right next door to our hotel - and Gwen and I were on board.

Me: "So Mary, how do you feel about Boyz II Men?"
Mary: "I feel great about 1992."

And that was pretty much the end of the "so are you interested in maybe going to see them perform tonight, minus the one band member who no longer tours with them because of his scoliosis? No? OK, let's go eat and get into our jammies instead" conversation.

Also, I woke up to this text message today:

Yes, I realize there are a few notable things happening in this text: One, when I text myself, I text "Me!" because that's how I have my number listed in my phone. Of course. Second, last time I texted myself, I'd birthed a baby who was so small that her newborn diaper went up to her armpits. So there's that. Third, at 1:37 am last night I texted myself, simply, "Boyz II Men." Because I woke up and remembered that I wanted to have Boyz II Men be the Video of the Week today. 


You're welcome, everyone from 1992. I miss videos where people slowly chair-dance while seated backwards as they're wearing blazers with shoulder pads, 

Happy Friday!

Monday, November 9, 2015

How Do YOU Shower? I MUST KNOW.

First: my first essay on Romper went live – wanna check it out? Click here!


Second: Last night, CB and I were watching a movie when, halfway through, there was a shower scene. But not, like, a steamy shower scene that’s NSFW. It was just a woman showering and I was all like “Weird that she’s showering that way.” And CB was like “Um, what way?” and then my mind was blown when I found out that, not only do CB and I shower totally differently, but that maybe the way I shower is kind of weird.

Obviously I immediately paused the movie and was like “Follow me into the bathroom. We’re going to mock-shower.” And he was completely on board because he married me so he knows that this kind of conversation is a regular part of the deal.

I stepped in, turned my back to the shower, and mimicked all of my not-facing-the-water-ever actions. He then stepped into the shower and showed me how he lets the water not only HIT HIS FACE, but that sometimes he just stands there letting the water run over his head and down his body. Like he’s being slowly water-boarded in his own bathroom.

Me: “Oh my God, how do you breathe?”
CB: “Uh, the water doesn’t make me stop breathing.”
Me: “Right, but don’t you have to hold your breath?”
CB: “For what?”
Me: “Because water is hitting your face!”
CB, laughing: “No…it’s not that much water.I'm not submerged.”
Me: “Also, you’d never be able to have your eyes open when you showered!”
CB, still laughing: “Why couldn’t I open my eyes?”
Me: “Because the water is hitting your eyes sometimes!”
CB: “Right but if there’s not soap in there, you can just open your eyes.”
Me: “I cannot open my eyes around water.”
CB: “You are the strangest person I’ve ever met.”
Me: “YOU are the strangest person I’ve ever met! I’m going to have to literally poll everybody I know about this first thing in the morning!”
CB: “I’d expect nothing less.”

And so I started with my family.

I must point out here that my mom isn't gross.
She's just a bath kind of gal. Ok, proceed.
They knew what I meant. 

And then my dad chimed in that he agreed that there's no right or wrong way and it depends on the circumstances. But let's get real: there's a right and wrong way and I'm doing it wrong. 

Except I can't stop! It took me TWICE as long to shower this morning because I was trying it the facing-the-water way and I just kept coughing on water and felt like someone was squiring a hose at my face and wouldn't stop. 

Anyway…I’m taking a poll – facing the shower or away? I MUST KNOW WHAT EVERYONE DOES. Go!

(Happy Monday!) 

Friday, November 6, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!


No books. We're slackers. I'm reading two books right now, but that reading usually happens sometime around midnight-3am when I've gotten up to feed the beh-beh and then can't fall back asleep. It's possible I'm just re-reading the same four pages each night. We shall see.

However, let's pressure CB. He's reading (and enjoying) a book my parents loaned him (that has been blogged about here) and I think we should peer-pressure a review out of him when he's done. That's the sign of a healthy relationship when you group-harass your husband, I'm pretty sure. DO IT.


Tomorrow, apparently, my first essay will appear on Romper. I'm a little nervous, if I'm being honest, because it's sort of more vulnerable and serious than I normally am and I'm pretty sure my editor is like "um, we didn't hire you for your non-humor, lady." But still. I'm excited so if you follow this blog on Facebook or Twitter, you'll see me post it when it's up! Unless I re-read it and it sucks, in which case, I will keep it hidden forever.


I can't listen to the new Adele song for two and a half reasons: 1, there's this part where it seems like the beat changes and it doesn't make sense to me, and so then it takes me out of the moment and all I can think of next, and for the rest of the song, is 2, LIONEL RICHIE. I'm sorry, but you can't hear the Adele song without thinking of this one. You can't. Unless you can? In which case, you're not me, apparently. And then the half part is because it makes me sad, which I think is the point of Adele in general. But it gets me all sappy-sad and then I just want it to be raining and chilly and I want to be wearing a big, comfy sweater.


Happy Friday!

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other night, I excitedly gave CB our options for tv viewing:

Me: “So, you have two choices tonight for DVR stuff. One, Project Runway, which is Part One of the season finale, so exciting!”
CB: “Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be going with option two.”
Me: “Option two is the Leah Remini special on 20/20 where she talks about Scientology and Tom Cruise.”
CB: “Wow, I was sure that Project Runway was going to be the one I didn’t want to watch.”
Me: “These are two very good options.”
CB: “These are two awful options.”
Me: “So which one?”
CB: “Why would we watch Leah Remini talk about Scientology?”
Me: “Because I love her. And that sounds like some crazy sh*t.”
CB: “I feel like we’ll get dumber regardless of which one we watch.”

So I turned on the Leah Remini special and CB got up from the couch.
 Me: “Where are you going?”
CB: “To get a drink. I’m definitely going to need something to get through this.”
Me: “Be honest – you need a drink here and there to get through our marriage.”
CB: “Not untrue.” 

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Keep an eye out this Saturday for my first essay on Romper!