Friday, April 24, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

You guys. I haven't even watched "Grey's Anatomy" from last night and I already know what happens. Thanks a lot, all news outlets.

Also, we should re-examine what we consider "news"......

***

This week's book is appropriate since all I can think about these days is the fact that a human being is currently living inside of me and will, in about 10-11 weeks, come out.

Which is cool and terrifying and makes me cross my legs, which I think is how you keep it from happening in the first place? Live and learn.

Anyway, it's called "Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born" and I just downloaded it onto my Kindle, even though my sister blogged about it several years ago. I'M A LATE ADOPTER, you guys.

Click here to check it out and browse around for some other great books out there!

***

Speaking of pregnancy and babies, CB and I have had quite a ride over these last seven months. This baby is SERIOUSLY sassy and has caused us to grow closer in ways CB was really hoping we never would. Stay tuned on Monday for the story that kept me from blogging this week! Oh the excitement.

***

And now, the Video of the Week.

Um, I'm an emotional wreck today, you guys. I, of course, blame the baby. IT'S SO EASY and makes me virtually blameless for pretty much everything. I highly recommend it.

I started full-on CRYING at my desk while listening to a song this morning that isn't even sad! And so I'm very fragile when listening to Pandora these days. You've been warned, people who sit near me.

However, I heard this song on the radio a few days ago while CB and I were driving through the city and it turns out that they're a local band that I am now seriously digging. So, hopefully you guys enjoy them, too!

Happy Friday!



Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I'll be back!

Sorry, guys, for being so MIA since the middle of last week! Had some posting issues Friday for the wrapup and have been feeling under the weather this week. But I'll be back on Friday and have lots of stories to tell you next week - stay tuned!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

Ok, so the bottom part of this conversation is from a year ago, but I stumbled across it yesterday and it still makes me laugh and will likely still embarrass CB. Win/win.  

But first, this is a conversation that happened yesterday. I was leaving for work while he was in the shower, so I was attempting to say goodbye to him through the bathroom door.  

Me: “Bye, I’m leaving!”CB, no answer.Me, a little louder and knocking on the door: “Bye, I’m leaving!”CB: “What?”Me: “I’m leaving!”CB: “I can’t hear you!”Me, exasperated and louder: “I’m LEAVING!”CB, swinging open the bathroom door, soaking wet: “What, you’re bleeding??!!”Me, laughing: “Um, no. I’m leaving. I was just saying goodbye.”CB, shaking his head: “Oh my God, Beck, why didn’t you just open the door and say that? I panicked!”Me: “Clearly. I also didn’t think it’d take me five minutes to tell you I was leaving or I would’ve just opened the door.”CB: “Between now and when you give birth, you can’t randomly yell things at me through the door.”Me: “Like ‘hey, I’m in labor!’”
CB: “Right. You have to open the door for that.”Me: “Good to know. I’ll make sure I try to accommodate you when that happens.”CB, closing the door back in my face: “You’re a piece of work.”

***

Coming out of the bathroom after showering:

Me:  “So I accidentally shaved off part of my eyebrow.”
CB: “What?! How does one accidentally shave off their eyebrow?”
Me: “I’m not really sure.”
CB: “You’re not sure? You don’t remember having a razor near your face?”
Me: “Well, I was about to shave and this one hair kept falling into my face and so I went to wipe it away…”
CB: “With a razor in your hand?!?”
Me: “Yeah…it was just an instinct.”
CB: “That’s a terrible instinct.”
Me: “Not instinct. I meant impulse.”
CB: “Well, try not to impulsively do things with a razor in your hand in the future.”
Me: “But then I felt to see if I cut my face and didn’t feel any blood, so I just kept showering. But I just looked in the mirror and part of my eyebrow is gone. Can you see it?” (leaning in to show him my eyebrow)
CB: “Yes of course I can see it. You look like you’re constantly surprised with one eye now.”
Me: “Oh no, really?!”
CB, laughing: “It’s really not that bad. But now that you point it out I can tell.”
Me: “I guess it could’ve been worse. I could’ve, like, shaved off the whole thing. And it could be the day before our wedding. Or I could’ve blinded myself accidentally.”
CB: “How about we just don’t put razors by our face anymore, ok? You could’ve really injured yourself.”
Me: “I know. I’ve learned my lesson by rendering myself perpetually surprised for the next week or so.”
CB: “There’s something not right about you.”

***

Hanging out with a few friends Saturday night, I remembered to tell CB something that happened outside of his earshot earlier that day:



Me: “Oh, by the way, I think I may have accidentally told your college friends that you sometimes wrap me in paper towel in a sexual way.”
CB: “What?!?”
Friend, laughing: “You have to immediately tell us how that happened.”
CB: “Yeah, how does someone accidentally say something like that?”
Me: “Well, you were telling the story about how you guys wrapped Chad in paper towel while he was passed out and I made some side comment and said ‘Yeah, he does that to me sometimes, but for other reasons.’ And then your friends looked at me and were slightly confused and impressed?”
CB: “Jesus Beck, why would you say something like that?”
Friend, still laughing.
Me: “I don’t know, it just seemed like a funny thing to say. But then I realized that they’d just met me and maybe didn’t know I was kidding.”
Friend: “About CB wrapping you somehow seductively in paper towel?”
Me: “Yeah, I mean, how on earth would that be serious? They had to know.”
CB: “Oh God. Some of these people are going to be at our wedding, Beck! And now they think we do freaky things with paper towels!”
Me: “It could’ve been worse.”
CB: “HOW could it be worse?!”
Me: “It could be true!”

Friday, April 10, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let’s get to it!

***
This week’s book is “The Narrow Road to the Deep North” by Richard Flanagan. Just the description of a “subtle, horrific, deftly layered and deeply moving story” means it’s going on my list. It also means that CB will, once again, point out that I get my darkness from my parents. I mean, my mom once actually said the sentence “Well, the good thing about that murder was….” And that was at Christmas dinner.

Anyway, enjoy! I’m definitely adding it to the list – what about you?  Click here to check it out! 

***

So, I hung a sweater over our kitchen chair the other night to air dry so that I didn’t accidentally shrink it (as I’ve been known to do). But when I went to put it on this morning, it had weird chair bumps on the shoulders that I needed to iron out asap.

CB was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and I was unsuccessfully trying to iron out the bumps, so I called him into the room to help.

Me, handing him the hot iron: “Could you iron these bumps for me?”
CB: “Wait, on you? Why do you have the sweater on already?”
Me: “Because I tried ironing it flat but it didn’t work. So I figured it’s easier to actually see the bumps when it’s on me.”
CB: “But I’ll burn you! This is a really bad idea.”
Me: “Oh, it’s fine. I iron clothes on myself all the time, I just can’t reach these.”
CB: “You do this all the time??! That’s really unsafe!”
Me: “Oh my god it’s fine, could you please just do it? Just be gentle so it doesn’t burn my skin.”
CB: “Beck!”
Me: “C’mon!”
CB, ironing my back: “This is an awful idea.”
Me: “But it’s working, look! Ok, now do the other side.”
CB: “This isn’t normal, I can’t believe you have done this before.”
Me: “Relax, I unplugged the iron, so it’s not like it’s getting hotter. Which is why we have to move fast before it cools down.”
CB: “There, I think it’s done.”
Me: “Perfect! Thanks so much!”
CB: “I really need to start videotaping these moments. Nobody would believe the stuff you ask me to do.”
Me: “Yes, your life is very hard.”

***

So I was feeling all frustrated at work this morning and the baby was kicking to tell me to cut it out. And then this song came on and I started bopping my head and instantly felt better. Ne-Yo has that effect on me.

Plus, I want CB to refer to me as “fly effortlessly” since usually he’s having to pick crumbs off of my outfit before I leave in the morning. Which is my own version of independence.


Happy Friday!







Thursday, April 9, 2015

An update

I passed the glucose test! Thanks for all of your support, guys.

However, I'd like to give Nurse Shannon some advice when calling to tell people good news: pretend you're excited for me, Shannon! (note: it helps, when reading the voice of Shannon, to do it in a slightly robotic/neutral/monotone voice, to really get the point across.)

Shannon: "Hi Rebekah, I'm sorry we've been playing phone tag."
Me, trying to sound calm and like I had low blood sugar, just in case: "Oh, that's fine, I understand." Totally breezy!
Shannon: "You passed your glucose test."
Me: "Oh thank God!!! That's so exciting!"

Silence.

Me: "I was really nervous!"
Shannon: "I can imagine."

Silence.

Me: "Wow, that's such good news."

Silence, maybe some keyboard typing.

Me: "Ok, well thanks so much for letting me know!
Shannon: "Congratulations. Have a nice day." 

For reference, this is the reaction I
was expecting. 
And that was it. Shannon didn't offer to go out for cake with me, or start excitingly talking about how nervous SHE was until she got the results back from the doctor, or ANYthing. It was just straight professional, monotone, show-no-emotion Shannon.

Which is why I may need to request her in the delivery room, because I have a feeling I'm going to be a little excited/panicky/potentially yell-y, and Shannon will be all like "Now push. Push. Congratulations, it's a boy/girl. Have a nice day." (that's how labor goes, right?) And I'll be crying and overreacting to regular human experiences, per usual, and Shannon will be all like "Ok, I need to go make some glucose phone calls. Your baby is beautiful."

Also, it's possible that this is what CB is referring to when he says that I have "strong emotions" and/or "have only on or off, no in-between."

Anyway...I passed, you guys! Who wants to eat celebratory cake and gummy bears?! (not Shannon.)



Happy Thursday!

Monday, April 6, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

Update: I didn’t faint OR stab the nurse, so Friday was a success! I’ll likely get the results today or tomorrow, so I’m mainlining sugar just in case. Pretty sure those were doctor’s orders. Thanks for all of your comments and support!

***

So over the weekend I was in major spring cleaning mode and started going through my and CB’s drawers to organize and de-clutter. However, as I started going through his sock and underwear drawer, I realized that my husband had a whole secret, weird level of his personality that I never realized: he’s a sock hoarder.

About 30 minutes after I went through everything, he came into the bedroom.

Me: “Um, we need to have a discussion at some point about how we haven’t been featured on the show ‘Hoarders’ yet.”
CB, laughing: “Why, what are we hoarding?”
Me: “Um, ‘we’ are hoarding about 80 pairs of your socks.”
CB, still laughing: “I take good care of my feet.”
Me: “Right, but why do you have 30 pairs of black socks, 20 pairs of brown socks, some argyle, a bunch of white socks with yellow toes-“
CB: “-They’re called ‘Goldtoe’ remember? They were featured on ‘Jeopardy.’”
Me: “You have some serious issues.”
CB: “I don’t want to ever find myself needing socks.”
Me: “Uh, mission accomplished! You literally could not do sock laundry for a month and still not run out of socks. You have, like, 8 pairs of underwear and one million socks. WHO needs that many black socks?”
CB: “I had a scare once where I ran out of socks.”
Me: “You have sock PTSD. I never knew this about you. It actually makes me feel better knowing that you’re weird, too. You just hide it. In your sock drawer.”
CB, laughing and leaving the room.
Me: “Anyway, I need you to go through the rest of the socks on the bed and find out if they have mates.”
CB: “Ok, no problem.”
Me: “And then maybe get rid of some of the socks you don’t need?”
CB: “I need all of them.”

An hour later I returned to the bedroom to find 7 random socks laying in a straight line on the bed.

Me: “Great, you went through your socks!”
CB: “Yep.”
Me: “And these are the ones without mates?”
CB: “Yeah. I’m going to have a memorial service for them later. They’ve been left alone in this cold, dark world with no partner and no one to love them.”
Me, laughing: “Great, as long as their memorial ends in the garbage, I’m happy.”
CB: “You’re a heartless, soul-less woman.”
Cut to: Yesterday, as I was getting into the car, I noticed a pair of brown socks in the back seat of the car.

Me: "Oh my God! You're hoarding socks in your car, too!"
CB, laughing: “I just want to have them on-hand in case I need them.”
Me: “What sock emergency are you having where you need a backup in the car?”
CB: “It’s like you don’t understand me at all.”
Me: “And for the first time in my life, I’m completely OK with that.”

Happy Monday, everyone! 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Doctors and Nurses: You're on Notice.

There are times in life when you’re truly tested. For me, nearly all of them have occurred while growing a human being inside of my body and trying not to completely f it up.

For example: While pregnant, I’ve tried to make sure that I’m eating enough fruits and vegetables on a daily basis. I mean, this is not my go-to move. But also, let’s get real, most adults don’t do this on their best day, let alone when all their body-that-isn’t-their-own-anymore wants to do is eat a bag full of Sour Patch Kids (fruit flavored!) with a side of hamburger pickles. Or so I’ve been told.

But you look up the daily suggestions for intake, add two of each more to your day, and consider yourself light years ahead of the women who birthed babies back in the days when smoking cigarettes on their break from drinking whiskey was considered standard practice. However, I call foul on the doctors who have decided that part of this mom-test is checking to see if your alien body can tolerate sugar by basically putting you in a medically induced, low-level torture situation that involves orange soda, all of your blood, and no food.

You guys.

I mean, to be fair, this isn’t how it starts. They start by letting you eat like a normal (pregnant) person, giving you the sugar soda, making you wait an hour, not letting you pee, and then taking your blood. The torture test is only for those of us who under-achieve and fail the test so that the poor nurse has to call and talk to you in a soothing tone about the “next steps.”

Which I’ll be taking on Friday morning.

Let me set the scene for you: You’re 25 weeks pregnant (do the math), not allowed to eat or drink for 8-9 hours leading up to the test, and are then handed over to a friendly, sadist nurse who draws your blood, sets 8 oz of orange soda with three extra tablespoons of sugar added to it in front of you, and tells you to drink it in 5 minutes or less. AND YOU CAN’T PEE. Or throw it up. Or, I’m pretty sure, stab the nurse, but I'll double-check all of the rules on Friday.

And then you wait for an hour until they draw your blood again. And then wait another hour so that they can draw more blood. And then wait one more hour so that they can take whatever is left of your sugar-blood and then probably also remind you of your name, address, and the fact that there’s a baby person inside of you that is causing all of this chaos in your life. (Mother of the Year).

Which obviously I’m looking forward to and not at all being dramatic about. Except that doesn’t sound anything like me, so let’s just assume I’ve already jumped ahead to the days that I’ll have to say no to cake and prick my finger once a day as a reminder of what a mom-failure I am and how my sugary ways almost hurt the baby and made it forty-five times bigger than average upon birth or something (I only skimmed the article).

Which is why I’m baking two desserts for Easter this weekend and making sure I consume whatever I want on Sunday because I feel like it’s my last time to enjoy sugar until sometime in July. Which is also why I already gave the baby a pep talk about bucking up this weekend and not kicking me every time I eat a jellybean, BABY. I’m doing this for US.

Wish me luck! (and won’t be blogging Friday because I probably won’t even know what a blog is by then since I’ll be on hour 12 of my forced starvation and trying to eat my own sweater.)


Happy Wednesday! 

Monday, March 30, 2015

Blog housekeeping and the Best Conversation I've Ever Had with My Husband

First, a few housekeeping notes:

  •  LET’S GO SPARTANS! (applies only to those of you who care. Which should be everyone.)
  • I did not, in turns out, win the Bloggie Award for Best Humor Blog 2015. However, I also forgot that the announcement would be made, and then got a bunch of very sweet emails from you guys saying I was robbed. Which obviously I totally agree with, except not really, since I still can’t believe I made it into the Top 5! And the Bloggess didn’t win that category either, and so – can I really complain? THANK YOU, though, for voting and nominating me in the first place! It was a very cool experience. And maybe next year I’ll know it’s happening! But probably not.


And now, to a conversation I had with CB on Friday that basically made me laugh so hard that I had to brace myself against the counter because the baby doesn’t like it when I laugh too hard because then I don’t breathe a lot.

Me: “Guess what’s on DVR for us to watch this weekend?
CB: “I’m going to assume something by Shonda Rhimes?”
Me: “Yes! Scandal AND Grey’s Anatomy!”
CB: “Lucky me.”
Me: “Which one do you want to watch first?”
CB, thinking.
Me: “I think we should watch Grey’s first because remember how maybe Derek cheated?”
CB: “Right, but he definitely cheated because, why would you fly home if you didn’t do anything wrong?”
Me: “True. Except maybe he just wanted to explain the misunderstanding?”
CB: “No, any guy would just do that over the phone if he didn’t have anything to explain. Plus, it’s the last season, so of course he cheated, that’s an easy way to end the show.”
Me: “Oh my God, quit saying it’s the last season! You’re literally the only one who says that and you KEEP saying it! I think it’s wishful thinking.”
CB, laughing.
Me: “Plus, you’re just mad that Lexie’s not on anymore after she died in that plane crash.”
CB: “I mean, I wouldn’t even know she used to be on the show if you didn’t have to DVR every repeat! But yeah, she was cute.”
Me: “They’re all cute.”
CB: “Which is another reason that show is ridiculous. NO staff of doctors looks like those people, male or female.”
Me: “But I wish they did.”

Silence.

Me: “I still don’t understand why you didn’t like Mark Sloan.”
CB: “Which one is he?”
Me: “He’s the other one you didn’t know existed until repeats who died in the plane crash. McSteamy.”
CB: “Oh right. There’s a McDreamy and a McSteamy. This is totally a realistic show.”
Me: “ You’re just jealous because he got to make out with Lexie.”
CB: “But he was such a jerk. No woman would actually take him back.”
Me: “Untrue. There are a lot of dumb women out there.”
CB: “He was just such a jerk. ‘I love you, I want you back, but I’m going to be a childish jerk about it.’”
Me, laughing.

Silence.

CB, staring at me totally seriously: “Beck, I swear to God, I’ve never hated you more. I can’t believe we just had that entire conversation.”


And then he walked out of the room while I laughed for literally three minutes straight. 

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book is a throwback, of sorts, because it was posted by my sister a few year's back. But since my dad and CB can't update the blog ALL the time, I thought I'd do a little digging because there are some gems on there! So, check out "Helping Me Help Myself" by Beth Lisick and then perhaps do what I did and browse a bit - I forget about all of the good books out there sometimes!

***

You guys, I did something I'm pretty ashamed of, but I have to come clean: while in San Francisco on business, I watched TWO EPISODES of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and then watched TWO HOURS on the plane of a season wrapup of a show I've never seen before called "Vanderpump Rules."

I've never seen RHOBH before, but apparently that's the abbreviation people in the know use? To be fair, I've never seen any of the Real Housewives shows. Not because I'm above it (though I want to be), but because I'm too busy watching repeats of "The Golden Girls" and "Gilmore Girls" before heading to bed at 8pm.

But when you're in a hotel and there's no channel guide, and the first channel you recognize after all of the Hotel ads is Bravo, you just stick to it so you can eat your Subway sandwich in a comfy king sized bed. It's what adults do, people!

And when you're trapped on a 6 hour flight across the country and you're pregnant, stuck against the window, and afraid to keep asking the two people next to you to get up so you can pee again, you get yourself involved in the lives of people who need to spend time in a dark box alone for years so they can think about how awful they are and what they're lives have become.

Which is why I love Nick Kroll. His parody of everything I just watched this week was eerily spot on. And if you've ever, ever turned on the Bravo network (or E!), you will appreciate this as well.

I think I have PTSD.


***

And now, the Video of the Week.

YOU GUYS. It's March Madness (do you care?). And MSU is in the Sweet Sixteen, going up against Oklahoma tonight. Um, except clearly they don't know they're target audience since the game is on at 10:07 pm! As I said to CB "I'm going to have to take a nap so I can make it through the first half!"

But I will do everything in my power to watch - but only if it seems to be working. If they start losing, I will take one for the team and go to bed so as not to jinx them from getting into the Elite 8.

Let's go Spartans!



Wednesday, March 25, 2015

A Quick Conversations from Cohabitation

Sorry I’ve been MIA, guys – had a work trip on the west coast and just getting back to the land of the living. But here’s a quick conversations from cohabitation to keep you occupied until Friday’s wrapup!

So last week I had to go to the doctor for a baby checkup and was in the actual labor and delivery wing of the hospital where little BC will be born. And it was terrifying, so I texted CB:

Me: “BTW, in labor and delivery and have been laying here for more than an hour and can hear a woman next door in labor. Um….uh oh.”
CB: “Haha jeez! Maybe she’s having triplets?”
Me: “Nope. I asked. And she has an epidural!”
CB (being sarcastic): “Tell her to stop being dramatic.”
Me: “I think someone is stabbing her.”
CB: “Yeah, stabbing her with parenthood.”



Happy Wednesday!

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let’s get to it!

***

Happy Spring, everyone! But don’t get too excited, Spring hasn’t officially sprung until, like, 6-something tonight. Which is why snow is currently in the forecast for my lunch hour.

I’ll miss you too, winter, but quit being so needy – it’s unbecoming!

***

This week’s book is “After Dark” by Haruki Murakami, who we’ve blogged about before because we like him. And you should too (pressure!). Or not. But either way, you should check out the review here and browse around for other spring reading inspiration!

***

This is the original patent for toilet paper.
Debate settled. FOREVER. 

EXACTLY, people, this is what I’m talking about! (and yes, if I go to your house and you’re an “under” house? I change your role while I’m in the bathroom. YOU'RE WELCOME.)

***

You guys, I’m never doing this, so don’t even bother tagging me if you do it on Facebook. Click here

However, I will voluntarily eat a bag of Twizzlers if you promise I don’t have to share.

***


And now, the Video of the Week. This one is for CB, plus it’s one of my favorite DMB songs AND came on Pandora this morning, making me happy. So it’s the winner! 


Monday, March 16, 2015

Did you Vote?

Not a real post warning!

But in case you missed the blog a few weeks ago, click here for the insanity of the news that Stories About My Underpants has been nominated as one of the Top Humor Blogs. I KNOW. But I don't care if it was a mistake, we're taking it, you guys!

And if you haven't and are inclined to vote, please do! Click here, vote in the Top Humor category, and then check out some of the other categories that include favorite bloggers of mine (Tanktronic and Skinnytaste among them!)

Thank you!!

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

You guys! Guilt and public pressure works! CB has written his first of what I hope is many book reviews. So go on over to the book blog or click here to check out his thoughts on Stephen King's 11/22/63. It's not the first review on this book, but it's CB's first, and so let's show some love. Plus, it gives my dad a break for a week, which is always nice.

Enjoy! (thanks, CB!)

***

Um, no thanks to CB, I woke up to this email and accompanying photo this morning:

Subject: You on my side!!!!

The charge: Your foot is actually HANGING off the edge of MY side of the bed.
I rest my case, your honor.
GUILTY!!!

I am a vision. 

You see, this is months in the making. Almost every morning CB will re-tell tales (lies) about how I completely take over the bed and, when he goes to get in, he has "one tiny corner or you get mad at me."

Lies.

However, I will confess that since this baby has continued to grow, sleeping has become more challenging (and apparently I sleep on my back now?) and mama needs her room!

But....ok. This is a bit extreme. I'll give him that.

***

CB and I saw this on the news this morning (ok, so it's not actually news, but it's adorable...and that seems to be enough?) And the first thing that came to mind was "this is sort of what it's like when CB comes home and I want to hang out and he's like 'um, I just saw you 8 hours ago.'" And then I go and sleep on his side to get back at him.




***

And now, the Video of the Week.

I first discovered Pentatonix when they covered the Evolution of Beyonce (obviously). And every once in a while, I check in to see what they're up to.

This is awesome. Enjoy!




Happy Friday!

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

So the other day we were sitting around talking about the names we’ve picked out for the baby, both boy and girl. And while we have a backup boy name just in case – as CB puts it – “He doesn’t look at all like a __________(fill in the blank)”, we don’t have a backup girl name. 

Which is totally fine with me, because I love the names we’ve picked out and babies look half-baked when they come out anyway, and so they’ll look like whatever we name it? Is my theory. Mother of the year. 

However, apparently my mother-in-law doesn’t agree and is stressing about it on our behalf. And so she and CB sat on their phones looking up Irish girl names while I ate goldfish crackers and wondered when I could nap.

MIL: “What about Maeve?”
Me: “Like Maeve Binchy? She wrote ‘Circle of Friends.’”
MIL: “Um, ok. I just think it’s pretty.”
Me: “No.”

Silence.

CB: “Nora?”
Me: “There’s already a Nora on my side of the family, my cousin’s daughter. It’s cute. But no.”

Silence.

MIL: “Chloe?”
Me: “It’s cute…but no.”
CB: “Ciara?”
Me: “Like Ciara the singer? No.”
MIL: “Sophie?”
Me: “Cute, but no.”
CB: “Shannon?”
Me: “No.”
MIL: “Jade?”                                                                                                                   
Me: “Um, no.”                                                                                                                 
CB: “Orla?”
Me: “You’re clearly just messing with me. And no.”

Silence.

Me: “I like Claire. But not more than I like what we already have. So no.”

Silence.

MIL: “Blaire?”
Me: “Like from The Facts of Life?”
MIL, looking confused, looking at CB for help, then me: “Uh, what?”
Me: “You know, The Facts of Life, the 80s tv show?”
MIL, blank stare.
Me, to CB: “You know The Facts of Life!”
CB: “Yeah, but I don’t know what their names were.”
Me, singing: “You take the good you take the bad you take ‘em both and there you have the facts of life…the facts of life!”
MIL: “Um…what does that have to do with Blair?”
Me: “Blair! She was the blonde, snotty one. And there was Jo, the tomboy, Natalie, the funny one, and Tutti, the one on rollerskates.”
MIL: “Oh yeah, I know what you’re talking about now. I didn’t realize her name was Blair.”

Silence.

MIL: “So…..”Me: “No.”MIL: “I think I’m going to swtich over to looking at dinner r├ęcipes for the week. This is exhausting.”
CB: “Welcome to my life.”

Monday, March 9, 2015

For Preston

I’ve had a lot of incredible experiences in my life. But one of the most impactful, shaping, and lasting is the time that I spent at The State News in college. I learned more in that newsroom in three years than in most of the classrooms on the entire campus (sorry, mom and dad) and made friends that are with me to this day for the biggest and smallest moments of this crazy life. 

And while we may be far and wide now as we carry on outside of Student Services and The Peanut Barrel, we are a close-knit tribe that relentlessly supports and cheers on one another every step of the way.

Well, one of the biggest hearts of that tribe has passed away after a heroic and incredibly long battle with her own. Preston was a kind, fiercely loyal, and eternally optimistic soul who even went so far as to faithfully support this little blog.

So, since the State News produced far better writers than I, I’m dedicating this post to Jen Preston in the way we do, in the words of just some of that tribe....

(sorry, I know the font is small)



Friday, March 6, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

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First, thanks to all of you who have posted, re-posted, and voted for the Bloggie Awards! If you haven't and want to, click here (Most Humorous Blog...I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense, right?)

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I'm going to use this blog to try and bully CB into posting for the first time on the family book blog, because he's been ZOOMING through books, and I'm still struggling to stay awake until 8pm. And so.....help me bully my husband, you guys!

Oh yeah, and also, no book posts this week because I'm the worst.

***

Does it make me a bad mom-to-be that this makes me laugh?


If my baby only stops crying when it hears Beyonce, I will know it's truly from my purest DNA.

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For your weekly dose of "that looks Photoshopped, but it's not", click here. That's a weasel riding a woodpecker. Because why the hell not?

***

Sorry, guys, but I have to put this song as the Video of the Week today even though I'm pretty sure it made its debut more than a year or two ago. Because basically CB is married to me, and for that, he should be hugged often.

Just yesterday he came out in the snow and "state of emergency" conditions to get me from work, went back out later to get pasta sauce because "pasta with chicken sounds good," and then went back out into the snow when I said that I needed something caffeinated (doctor's orders) because my migraine was getting so bad.

Also, that pasta with chicken thing? I started making it but, because my migraine was getting so bad it hurt to be up-right with my eyes open, I walked away from the chicken as it was cooking and was like "I can't do this, I'm going to be sick" and just ran into the bathroom. And he was like "wait, so should I throw the chicken out because this is one of those pregnancy things that you can't have in the house anymore, or do you want me to finish cooking it?"

I mean, that was only, like, 4 hours of his life, you guys. He lives in discomfort of The Unknown better than anyone I know.

Thank you, CB. I owe you big time (I'll give you a kid or something in a few months - deal?)




Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Breezy Kind of Type A

So I have spent my life assuming that I’m pretty breezy. You know, not letting things get to me, get me down, or really even noticing most of what goes on. Because being oblivious and being breezy sometimes are interchangeable, I’m not sure if you knew that.  

Anyway. I pretty much thought this until a few years ago, when CB came into the picture on his actual breezy, patient horse, and started referring to me as Type A. Which I’m pretty sure he meant as a sort-of compliment, but I took it to heart because all I knew was that Reese Witherspoon, Beth, and Courtney have described themselves as Type A, and at least two of those people care way more about germs than I do. Reese and I haven’t spoken in real life yet, so I can’t confirm her status on sanitizer.

And so I eventually googled Type A and Type B personalities, just so I could prove CB wrong (in a breezy, totally don’t really care sort of way) and came across these definitions:

Type A
The theory describes "Type A" individuals as ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence. It is therefore understood that "Type A" personalities are suited to smoking as a mechanism for relieving stress.

Type B
The theory describes "Type B" individuals as a contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personality by definition generally live at a lower stress level and typically work steadily, enjoying achievement but not becoming stressed when they do not achieve. They may be creative and enjoy exploring ideas and concepts. They are often reflective.

Well, there you have it. Clearly not Type A, you guys – I’ve never been a smoker and my mechanism for relieving stress is making lists and organizing my sock drawer. #You’vebeenserved,Wikipedia.

Also, Type B sounds like the people who don’t seem to be bothered by things like deadlines, returning emails, or wearing shoes at work – all things that annoy me to the point of distraction on a day-to-day basis.  

Which is when it hit me: I don’t know myself at all.

However, luckily I’m married to someone who totally does, and so it’s helpful when he points out things and makes them sound funny instead of insane.

You see, CB has started compiling a list that he likes to call “The List” (being creative is one of the five things he’s good at). It consists of people that I apparently get slightly annoyed with and mention to him every day  once in a while. Like the girl who lived above us and wore heeled shoes ALL OF THE TIME indoors. I began referring to her as Tenderfoot and couldn’t focus on my favorite tv shows when she was busy walking around with her shoes on her in own home. It was distracting, and apparently so was I, as I’d point the noise out to CB who was like “Oh, I hadn’t noticed.”

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE.

Or the girl in my office who walks around with her cell phone in-hand ALL OF THE TIME – when she’s walking through the halls, when she’s making coffee, when she’s going into the bathroom – it’s distracting and somehow intensely irritating to me. However, CB doesn’t quite understand why this would bother me.

Me: “Because it’s unprofessional.”
CB: “Ok, but how is she actually impacting your day?”
Me: “By being annoying.”
CB: “Right. But….maybe just don’t let it bother you so much?”
Me: “It’s like you don’t know me at all. I literally can’t even focus on my task at hand when I see her with her phone, texting and not even watching where she’s going.”
CB: “You have spent a lot of your energy being annoyed by her and she probably doesn’t even know it.”
Me: “Because she’s too busy texting! This is exactly my point.”

Or the girl in my office who decides sometimes just not to wear shoes and, instead, walks around the halls with her socks on. To the point that I actually thought I would shame her into realizing she doesn’t work in a barn (where you should also definitely wear shoes, FYI) and was like “Ooops! You don’t have any shoes on!” and she was like “Oh yeah, it’s way more comfortable that way.”

Um yes, and so are pajama pants, but I refrain from wearing mine to the actual office because we are adult professionals.

CB: “Yeah, that’s weird that she’s not wearing shoes.”
Me: “Weird? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?”
CB: “Again, though – how does this affect you?”
Me: “It’s just bad precedent. And weird behavior!”
CB: “God I couldn’t even imagine if you were her manager.”
Me: “I’d put her on probation.”
CB: “Without warning?”
Me: “I mean, ok, I’d probably give her a verbal warning. But you shouldn’t have to warn someone to PUT THEIR SHOES ON.”
CB: “You’re getting loud.”

And then yesterday, I had this exchange with a friend as we were walking into the gym.

Me: “Did you see that girl at the counter when we were checking in?”
AK: “Yeah, why?”
Me: “She’s my least favorite person in this gym.”
AK: “I can’t wait to hear this.”
Me: “She leaves all of her stuff all over the locker room, treating the woman who brings in and folds the towels like her maid. She leaves her wet towels just laying on the floor, takes up the entire bench with her giant bag and stuff, and won’t make room for you if you have a locker next to her. I legitimately spend a lot of time while here thinking about how rude she is and how I wouldn’t want to know her in real life.”
AK: “And do you sometimes glare at her? Because she gave us a look as we approached.”
Me: “Maybe. I can’t help my glare-face sometimes. But also, she just looks like that, I think.”
AK: “I love hearing your list of people you can’t stand.”

But anyway, I’ve digressed slightly. The point here is that I didn’t know this about myself. I didn’t know that I was Type A, I didn’t know that I was easily bothered by things others don’t even notice, and I didn’t know that I spend most of my days exhausting myself over things that have zero effect on me at all. It's difficult to be Type A and have ADHD all at the same time, you guys. 

Which is why I’m such a sleepy person, is what I've explained over and over to CB, and so we should really all just marvel that I’m awake as long as I am. Because now that no-shoe-wearer is walking around, I’m barely keeping it together.


Happy Wednesday! 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Wait, what?

So you guys. I got a phone call yesterday from a fellow friend and blogger who was like "Hey, congrats on being a top five finalist for the most humorous blogs" and I was like "Wait, what?" And obviously thought it was a joke and didn't look into it for several hours.

And then I was like "Wait, WHAT?" Because it turns out that it's actually true.

I KNOW.


Though, if we're being honest, it's kind of the only way I could ever be a part of something like this - by not being a part of it at ALL. I mean, I'm totally oblivious with most things, but c'mon, Beck, get it together!

I knew that the nominating process was happening (by reading other people's blogs), but I was like "Oh, that's awesome! I can't wait to see who wins!" and then never thought of nominating myself, or asking you guys to do it. Because I'm terrible at this?

But whatever, I basically feel like I've won already, and not even in a fake "it's just an honor to be nominated" speech that will hate spiral me into depression if/when I don't win. Because my blog is next to The Bloggess, you guys. Which kind of gave me a touch of the vapors, I'm not gonna lie.

Also, I want to thank my fellow blogger and nominee over at Tanktronic who has always been a big supporter of this little blog. So let's send the love back his way. He's nominated in the "Best Kept Secret" category, so help get the secret out!

Alright, so now that I know that this is happening and I should apparently be involved - and ONLY if you want to (you totally want to) - please head on over (by clicking here) and vote for Stories About My Underpants in the "Most Humorous Weblog" category (#nuts), as well as Tanktronic....and in the food category, Skinnytaste. It's not an exaggeration to say that everything I have cooked and continue to cook in the last 18 months has come from her blog and/or cookbook. It's AMAZING, you guys.

And then you can feel good about yourselves that you've accomplished something today that required almost no effort. Which is how I like to count my accomplishments so that I have more things on the list. It's what the most successful people do.

Thank you so much for supporting this blog for the last four years, and thank you UNIVERSE for being like "oh, you think you might have to blog less because your life is so busy and important? THINK AGAIN, lady!"

Message received.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

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I don't know why, but for some reason this video of Franciscan monks throwing snowballs at each other, squealing and laughing, just makes me laugh. Apparently, they're monks in Jerusalem, which hasn't seen snow since the 1990s. 

I can't help what makes me laugh, you guys! 



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This week's book was brought to you by my never-ending thoughtfulness. Or, trying to figure out what on earth to get my dad for Christmas. Either way, it ended in this post, and so the blogging and reading world should be happy. Check out "The Innovators" (which is on my FOREVER LONG list) and browse around for more inspiration!

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And now, a programming note. You've probably noticed that I've been a little less consistent with the blogging lately, and that's due to a variety of factors - only one of which is the growing human inside of me that renders me SO TIRED all of the time. But between the heightened demands of my job, the aforementioned human baby, and forgetting what day it is more often than in my past, I've been slacking.

So I'm here to say....well, it probably won't change for a while. And thanks for sticking with me! I will certainly be posting once during the week in addition to Friday, so you dry those tears, it'll all be ok! And some weeks I may even surprise myself and be the three-day-a-weeker that we've grown to know, love, and tolerate.

But for right now, I need to give myself a break and blog a little less (i.e. twice a week). And, again, thanks for sticking with me!

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I'm not even going to get into the Great Debate of 2015 over that stupid dress, you guys. I'm not. You know why? Because it's white and gold and you people are crazy who see blue and black. I do realize that there are more important things in the world, but this sh*t is bananas. (and if you have zero clue about which I speak, click here.

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God I love this. These kids are JAMMIN' to Led Zepplin. And I love the kid in the Oregon shirt who kind of can't be bothered with band?


***

And now, the Video of the Week. Since it's my dad's birthday today (Happy Birthday, Dad!), I wanted to pay tribute to his love of all things James Brown and play a video not at all by James Brown. However, my dad does have a man-crush on Bruno Mars. And since he loved the live version I put up here a few months ago, I figured I'd share the actual video with you all in honor of his BIRTHDAY.

Enjoy, dad! (and the rest of you, but mainly dad). Happy Birthday!


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Throwing it back...

....because this week is trying to kill me.

Also, because I'm going to be a parent soon and, um, should we be concerned about that?


So today I was walking behind some moms and their kids, though I have no idea how old these kids were. Let’s just say that they were old enough to walk on their own and young enough that they’re still being supervised by parents. As we’ve firmly established, I struggle knowing how old kids are until they’re about 25.  Anyway, as I was de-tangling my headphones, I started listening to the conversation between the mothers about all things parenting. Usually this is just like white noise to me because, well, I don’t have kids and so it’s pretty boring to listen to unless you do. And maybe even then? Not sure, just guessing.   

Anyway, one of the moms was talking about the organic milk she just found at some store in the city. The other mom then talked about some article she read about the various types of organic food you should be feeding your children and how she won’t shop at the grocery store anymore because she can’t imagine putting that stuff into her kids.

Question: if you don’t go to the grocery store, where do you get your food? The organic farm on your fire escape? I was intrigued. Also, if by “that stuff” she means Oreos, then I consider that child abuse and those kids should immediately be removed from her house and sent to mine until they start to crash from the sugar I give them, at which time I will then promptly send them back.

Meanwhile, their kids may as well have been wrapped in bubble wrap. (sidebar: if/when I have kids, they for SURE will be wrapped in bubble wrap, but that’s merely because they will be the spawn of me and, to be fair, I really should have bubble wrap on at all times to protect myself and others. ) Anyway, the one boy who looked between the ages of 5-15 was wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a vest. The vest had some sort of reflector on it. It was daytime.

The other kid, roughly the same age-range, was wearing all the same stuff except the reflector vest, but wasn’t riding a bike. Or walking along side one. I’m guessing they were sharing? No idea. But boy was he prepared for any kind of trip or fall!

And that got me to thinking: kids today, fresh with the challenges of youth and all things digital, are maybe missing out. Why? Because they totally don’t know what’s coming to ‘em. And what better way to parent than to completely terrify your kids about the realities of the cold, cruel world and let them fall off their bikes and scrape their elbows once in a while?

I should totally write a parenting blog.

So, since I have a really exciting commute, I compiled a list of a few things from my childhood that my niece and all future Becky Kids won’t have the pleasure of experiencing.

Let’s proceed:

Not winning all the time.

When I was a kid, I lost at a lot of things, especially anything math related. And it was all good. Know why? Because when I actually won something or excelled at something, it felt great. But nowadays it seems that everyone wins a trophy! Uh, not to brag or anything, but I totally won a trophy in the form of a piano glass when I was in elementary school because I had the best costume during our piano recital. I was Holly Hobby - obviously -  and that glass is still somewhere at my parent’s house and I still remember how awesome that felt because that outfit was killer.

Be jealous. 
But I digress. The problem, in my opinion, with everyone winning a trophy is that, while I think healthy self-esteem and encouraging kids to find their true selves or whatever is really important, I think it’s also really important to know that when you walk into work on your first day, fresh out of college, you don’t get a raise for knowing how to turn on your computer. Unless my job would like to start rewarding me for doing such a thing, in which case I take back #1 and parents today are totally doing it right.

Falling down and feeling it.

Maybe this is mean and perhaps the reason why the universe has kept kids away from me up until this point, but I think maybe it’s ok sometimes to fall off your bike. Ok, I’ll give you the helmet thing; closed head injuries are bad all around, and boy should I know. But c’mon, it’s called a calculated risk, people! It’s a bike, it’s not motorized, your kid needs to learn some balance already and nothing teaches a kid balance like a few scrapes and bruises.

Future Mother of the Year? Obviously.

And if you’re really intent on getting some sort of lesson out of bike riding that they can take with them that they won’t use against you when they’re in therapy later in life, you can make up some Oprah-esque thing about how riding a bike is like a metaphor for life, and throw in something about balance and learning how to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. OR you could just tell them that sometimes you fall off bikes and sometimes it hurts and that’s what Band-aids are for. Whichever approach works best for you. 

The art of the written word.

Alright, so I’m about to blow some minds up in here, but do you know that kids today (yep, that just came out of my mouth) don’t learn how to write in cursive!!!?? What?? How is that possible???? It boggles the mind. But I think what might be even more disturbing is that they aren’t learning how to communicate like human adults. Or really humans, period. And I’m worried for their future! Because if they don’t know how to even send a proper email, complete with proper punctuation and words spelled out in their entirety, I shudder to think about future work transactions and our ability to survive as a nation.

Also, I realize that I am officially a 344 years old AND an alarmist. But I own those titles proudly, so let’s move on. 

Patience.

I will admit that I struggle with this and I grew up in the 80s, long before bike helmets and organic Oreos, so perhaps we could all learn from this one. But remember the days when you had to wait for a show to be on at, like, the time it just came on the tv? No Tivo, no On Demand. If you missed the Cosby Show you had to put up with everyone else talking about it the next day who didn’t forget that yesterday was Thursday.

If you wanted to listen to music and remembered that one of your favorite songs was track 5, you had to fast forward, rewind, or flip over the tape to do so. And you listened to entire albums, usually out of sheer laziness, but hey, it worked for us. Also, it’s the reason I can still recite every single lyric to every single song from the “Merry Merry Christmas” album by the New Kids on the Block. But whatever.

“We owe you one, tape players!” 

Oh! And you had to look stuff up in a book! I know, right? Again, I struggle with this one, too, since we all know my love for all things Google. But kids today (there it is again!) don’t even know what the Dewey Decimal System is! For shame. And I won’t even get into the days when we all had to wait a week for our film to get developed and ended up with 22 doubles of my mom’s left index finger and a picture of our family cat running in front of the one shot that came out not blurry.

And there you have it. An incomplete list of things that worry me about “kids today,” complete with non-anachronistic examples! Win/win. Also, highly important to all parents, I’m sure, and something that will likely turn the tables of parenting as we know it. Obviously. So if you have anything to add to the list, let me know!

Happy Hump Day!