Thursday, September 20, 2012

They call me the Rain Man of Love.


Today I accidentally rested my hand on a strange man’s behind for about 7 minutes. In my defense, I didn’t know I was doing it and it was very comfortable. Also, there were a billion people on the train and I was using his behind accidentally so as not to fall over every time the train lurched.

Yes, I just said “behind.”

Anyway, when I finally realized what I’d been doing, I apologized, took it off, fell into him, and then put it back. We had an unspoken agreement that feeling him up was better than knocking him over. Whatever, there are worse ways to start your work day. And again, it was very comfortable!

But this is on the heels of a conversation I had with CB last night where I told him that he’s lucky to be with me now and not when I was first learning how to interact with the opposite sex. Because, for real, I don’t know how I didn’t get diagnosed with some social disorder as a pre-teen. And if you think I’m exaggerating, just know this: even my own sister called me The Rain Man of Love for about 3 years at one point. We have a very close bond and never point out each other’s flaws. 

Who wouldn’t want all of this goodness? 
It’s a mystery. 
Ok, it’s not so much that I’m awkward if (a) I know you really well or (b) we’ve already established that we totally dig each other. It’s just all the stuff that comes before that really seems to throw me off. Or did. I’m totally down with how it all works now, so don’t hate the player. Also, don’t ask CB if that last part is true because sometimes he lies.

For example: when I was 13 or 14, I had a crush on a guy who played the french horn. I know, right? Who didn’t. Anyway, he was one of those dangerous french horn types who totally had a leather jacket when he wasn’t playing Mozart and I’m pretty sure he smoked cigarettes, which was just about the height of rebellion to me at that age.  

So obviously I decided that he should love me back and devised a really genius, fool-proof plan. I’d just go to where he went to school – you know, casually like people do - hang out and wait for him to come outside and then woo him with all of my skilz.

Inexplicably, that didn’t work out so well. I know, it’s really shocking.

I enlisted the help of a friend, who honestly must’ve thought either (a) I was way more skilled in this department than I actually was or (b) she’d be in for a good laugh. Either way, she was totally on board with the pre-internet stalking days of “casually” waiting around for someone for an hour so that you could bump into them. And we had a whole plan: he’d come out, see me, obviously be struck by the rom-com nature of this happenstance meeting, strike up a really witty conversation about brass instruments, and then we’d fall in love and have babies after he stopped smoking.

What actually happened went a little something like this:

Only three minutes 'til Wapner
 so let’s just sing this 
out so I can get home. 
French horn guy walks outside, sees me, and starts walking towards me. Friend jumps up and down really subtly in excitement. I get that weird, queasy feeling of love or food poisoning. French horn player approaches and says hello.

All normal up until this point, yes? Yes. Then I start singing “Two Princes” by the Spin Doctors at him until he walks away really confused.

What? Yeah. That actually happened. I actually started singing a pop song at him instead of talking like a normal human person. And, hard as it is to believe, he wasn’t charmed.

I swear to all that is holy, to this day I still can’t figure out what the f I was thinking.

When I told CB this story last night he shook his head, didn’t look at all surprised, and said “Seriously, what’s wrong with you?” And then he said a secret prayer of thanks to the Smoking French Horn player who totally missed out on all of this. He’s so lucky.

                                                           



53 comments:

  1. At my school the french horn players were real preppies and it was the drummers who were the bad boy hotties. And one of my best friends had a crush on a trumpet player so I wrote him a note (as you do) which he then proceeded to post on the bulletin board in the band hall. Trumpet players are such a-holes.

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    1. Oh my God, what a jerk!!! Totally not worth your affections.

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  2. LOL! Hey, at least you sang a nice song to him in attempt to woo him. I usually just literally bumped into the boy I liked and then gave him a dirty look to say, "Watch where you're going!" which I expected them to translate into "hey, I like you, you should come talk to me so we can fall in love and live happily ever after." OR if the boy I liked randomly paid me a compliment, I would assume he was being a sarcastic jerk and call him an a-hole. Ahh, young love!

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    1. Haha I think you and I read the same flirting book when we were younger because that's just about how I tried to allure most guys to me; the singing thing was an anomaly. And very clearly worked extremely well.

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  3. Oh, Lord.

    I just found your blog, read this excerpt, and had a flashabck. I've done this exact same thing - no, no, I didn't ineptly serenade anyone in high school, but I did rest my hand on some guy's thigh for a long time while on the bus, without realizing it. No, it wasn't his leg - it was very much his thigh, and I was using it to prop myself up while reading a book. I'd forgotten about that until now (repressed the memory?)

    Is social ineptitude just some kind of Becky thing? Are we cursed by the name, or did our parents have some kind of psychic ability and use the name as a predictor?

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    1. Hahaha that's awesome - I'm glad I'm not the only one! And I definitely think there's something in our name. But I think we should see it as a blessing and not a curse - because at least others can derive pleasure from our pain! :-) Thanks for reading!

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  4. So I have a similar story, except it ended with me nearly throwing up in the closet of a friends house because I was faced with the possibility of a game of spin the bottle, which I was totally and utterly unprepared for (being 14 and all) ... so, him sensing my nerves, we talked about gym class and then he totally told everyone he got to second base and he SOOOO did not!

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    1. No way!!!!!! First of all, I was always shocked by the kids who didn't seem terrified by the notion of standing in a dark stranger with a near stranger and then letting them put their lips on mine. I don't blame you at all. Also, do you at least feel better knowing that he totally WANTED to get to second base and had to lie about it? You were clearly a hot commodity. You obviously didn't own a cat sweater.

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  5. Wow. Now that's some hardcore flirting action...or prevention. You can pretend you were trying seduce him with the song.

    That sweet sweater thing would totally be in style now.

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    1. Hahaha right? The hipsters are probably rocking that sweater in Brooklyn as we speak. I was so ahead of my time, obviously. And I really do have a way of keeping men at bay, it's a wonder I've ever dated anyone! Only the strong survive, I suppose. :-)

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  6. My 14 year old attempt at stalking the school hottie involved joining the school debating team. It was... it was... um, let's just say debating's not my strong point, and leave it at that. Sadly, however, my mother couldn't leave it at that. She worked at the local Uni, and when he enrolled there a couple of years later, she siezed every opportunity to tease him about me - i.e, almost every day. *sigh*. Mothers.

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    1. Haha oh man, mothers forget NOTHING. And I love that you joined debate just to be near him, I could totally see myself doing that, too! Love it. But obviously there's more to the story here....maybe a blog someday!

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  7. LOL!! Sounds quite a bit like my socially awkward teenage self who thought strategic notes passing was te way to win affections. You and I would have schemed up great plans together!

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    1. Yes! Strategic notes were key in my love life as well. We would've been a power duo!

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  8. I remember doing weird things around the boys I liked. I did most of them in elementary and junior high. Anyway, I'm Jennice from SITS!!!

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    1. hi Jennice, thanks for stopping by!

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  9. I have a tendency to burst into song, too. The music just comes out sometimes - maybe that's what happened to you. :) I had a hard time *speaking* to a guy I liked, so I am pretty sure my voice would have not been able to manage a song.

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    1. Haha, maybe that IS what happened to me! Good point. :-) Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. I can't say I ever serenaded a guy, but I definitely have had my super-awkward guy moments (and sadly, some of them happened to me as an adult--almost never went on a first day with my now-husband because of it!)

    Hilarious story, happy SITS day!

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    1. Hi Bev, thanks for stopping by! Um, and I need to check out your blog, but if you haven't posted about that story (almost not going out with your husband because of it) - you must!!

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  11. That is awesome. I can't believe he didn't fall for you! Also love the cat sweater with the plunging neckline. Perfect.

    Happy SITS Day!

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    1. Right?? How did he not fall madly in love with me, ESPECIALLY with that sweater???

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  12. Ah, chances lost. Trombone players are kinda awesome, too. Enjoy your SITS Day.

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  13. All the flirting I remember from that age was hitting (literally) my brother's friends. I actually ended up dating quite a few of my brother's friends, but I ended up marrying the only guy my brother didn't meet before I did.

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  14. Funny story! How could he not love you singing Two Princes - that is a great song! Glad it worked out. Happy SITS Day!

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    1. Right?? How could he not fall for me immediately? It boggles the mind.
      Thanks for visiting! Come again! :-)

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  15. Great story! And now I have Two Princes stuck in my head, so thanks for that, lol. I really like the style of your writing. Happy SITS Day.

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    1. Haha you're welcome! ;-)

      Thanks so much, that means a lot! And thank you for visiting, I hope you come again! :-)

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  16. Okay. I love you. Seriously love you! That is the BEST story I have ever EVER heard!!! It's like a freaking movie scene!! Couldn't you see it? I mean at LEAST on a Modern Family episode! No- more like a movie scene of some really funny but serious-like drama. (Can't think of one right now- wait- like Juno or something) OMGosh... I just love your awkward ways and how you share about it. BRAVO!! Happy SITS day! :)

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    1. Hahaha thanks!!! I'm so happy you're enjoying the blog!!! And your comments make me laugh out loud. Win/win! :-)

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    2. I'm BAAAACK!!! I could have SWORN I subscribed to your blog... but I haven't seen you in my INbox!!! Arg. Going to make sure I have now... Cause ya know - you got a good thing goin' here!!! Happy SITS day!!!! :)

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  17. I just laughed out loud. My cousin and I once made up a sweet dance routine to a song called "Jimmy, Jimmy" for my crush at the time. Yep, you guessed it, his name was Jimmy. Needless to say, he was not impressed with our smooth moves.

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    1. Um, how are we not real-life friends? Because this totally sounds like something I would make my friends do with me.

      Thanks for reading!

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  18. *snort* omg lol...i think you're my long lost sister. i dunno if i should list all the psychotic worthy things i used to do in middle school to "attract" (it usually repelled) the boys. i think i mailed one of them some of my hair once (yeah, totally saw it in a movie...). oh brad...lol...you just DON'T know what you missed out on. and neither did "jason", "rick", "todd" and all of the other crushes i had in that 4 months span lol...

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    1. Haha I'm so glad I'm not alone! Also, we must be the same age, because I knew all of those Jasons', Rick's, and Todd's, too! 80s/90s? Best.

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  19. I have an identical twin--which comes in handy if you want to blame someone for your faux pas (which I didn't, but it's nice to have a fall guy). Funny thing is, I still remember all of my awkward moments but none of anyone else's.

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  20. Hmm, Two Princes reminds me of hanging out at the local bar in college (I must be older than you). And now it will also remind me of you, the Rain Main of Love. Thanks a bunch! Oh, and happy SITS day :)

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    1. So glad to be associated with a quality song. ;-) Thanks for reading and stopping by!

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  21. Funny, funny. I was also a french horn kind of girl and the trombone was a close second. Enjoy your SITS Day.

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  22. OMG. I am dying in my cube at work. HILARIOUS!

    Happy SITS Day!

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    1. Ha! Thanks! So glad you liked it, and thanks for reading!!

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  23. OMG. That was hysterical. I think I may have to follow you on a regular basis. I could get use to having your humor in my inbox each day.

    Happy SITS Day!

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    1. I'm glad you like it! And I hope you do start following, we'd love to have you!

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  24. LOL, oh the awkwardness of pre-internet stalking...I wonder if pre-teens/teens have ever experienced that queasy 'oh crap no time to turn back' moment when being approached by a love interest. Thank you so much for the laugh! This was the perfect story to ready on such a somber afternoon!

    Visiting from SITS!

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    1. I'm so glad I could make you laugh! Thanks for visiting!

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  25. Can't imagine he didn't fall to his knees and propose. Guys - can't live with them - can't run them over with a steamroller ;)

    Ps. LOVE the sweater!

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    1. Haha right? I was rockin' the cat sweater.

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  26. Cute story. At least you made some kind of noise I probably wouldn't have had the courage to do that.

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