Tuesday, September 4, 2012

How Nicki Minaj invented iced coffee and why I will now listen to the radio for the next 14 hours to show my love.

This isn’t a costume.
Sometimes this is just what I looked like
after drinking some mom-brewed
cold coffee.

I think we should all take a minute and reflect on the amazement that is any of us having the ability to do anything that requires any amount of time or attention since the Internet was first invented. And then send Al Gore an email asking him for a lot of money in advance of all of us losing our jobs because we can’t focus on anything for longer than 17 seconds.

This just happened:

I was typing an email when my mind started to wander and I thought about how much I was liking my iced coffee this morning. Then I started to wonder when iced coffee first became popular because when I was a kid, I don’t remember anyone walking around with iced coffee. I remember my mom leaving the coffee she was drinking out on the table for a while, and then me drinking it and thinking that cold coffee was way better than warm coffee, and then my mom regretting that she’d left it out because now I really was never going to stop talking and definitely wasn’t going to take a nap. But I didn’t then go out and start the iced coffee craze at 5 years old. Or did I? Because we all know how my mind just makes stuff happen.
Anyway, then I decided to Google “iced coffee genesis” because I like to use big words in case I’m being watched and/or judged by someone who will be impressed with my ability to come up with a more pretentious word for “beginning.” Fast forward to 20 minutes later where time found me reading about how Michael Clarke Duncan died and why Nicki Minaj might be voting for Mitt Romney. All of a sudden I saw my work email staring me in the face and I was all like “Work email, how’d you get away from me like that?” And I got right back to it.

Until I realized that I never found out how iced coffee was invented and went back to finding out about that.

Also, and totally unrelated, did you know that some people call it “ice coffee” and they’re wrong? Which then got me to thinking about an ongoing, decades-long debate I’ve been having with my friends about whether it’s “mix tape” or “mixed tape.”

First of all, people who were born after 1990, tapes are things we used to listen to before cd’s were invented and whatever else people use to listen to music now. Also, quit reading this blog because you make me feel old.

Second of all, I realize this might be a moot point since tapes are no longer a valid way to spend hours upon hours of your precious time putting together just the right songs to express to someone how you feel about them while also making sure that the DJ’s stupid voice doesn’t come on right at the end and then you have to wait until it comes on 3 hours later again to see if you can get a better take.

Whatever, all I’m saying is that it’s a mixture of songs and that they’re all mixed up and so it should henceforth be known as “mixed tape, Kyle.”

Anyway, moral of the story, I think Nicki Minaj invented iced coffee and Al Gore is a Republican. But I’m busy and need to get back to work, so quit bothering me, Interweb!

Happy Tuesday!


  1. I just digressed from an email I was writing, in order to find you this:

  2. Patti-atti: You are officially now my favorite person. THANK YOU! See?? I KNEW I was right! Best. blog comment. Ever.

  3. I do this all the time! It's a serious problem for me. I'll be at work, filling out spreadsheets, or printing photos (I have a weird eclectic job...) and a song will come on my Pandora station, and I'll think "I wonder what the actual lyrics are as opposed to the ones I'm screeching out loud because there's no one to hear me right now" and so I'll Google the lyrics, then 20 minutes later I'm reading some science blog about methane worms (totally a thing) and I'm like "How the eff did I get here..?"

    It's a miracle I haven't been fired. I think the only reason they haven't is because no one else knows how to do my job.

    1. Haha yes! And then it's really embarrassing when I realize that I've been singing the COMPLETELY wrong lyrics for about a decade, and then I start reading other people posting about how THEY'VE been singing the wrong lyrics, and then I start looking up songs where people sing the wrong lyrics the most, like a Top 10 list, and then I start to compile a dream list of songs I don't have on my iPod, and then I look up and it's lunch time.

      I'm so glad there is someone who understands! :-)

  4. Okay - first of all (Kyle) - why would anyone ever think it was called a "mix tape"? Who the hell is this "Mix" and what are we taping him to? I hope it has rocket boosters! And for Mix's sake, I hope we're using duct tape (not to be confused with "duck tape", which is primarily used for taping ducks back together when they accidentally fly through an airplane engine).
    Secondly - I get distracted by random things all the time. This little note is a perfect example. I was online looking for a place to send my outlandish new cover letter to see if I can't finagle myself a job before I spend too long sitting on my ass drinking cold coffee because my three year old has the attention span of a drunk fly. I found a job opening with the county picking up roadkill. Then I started looking up "taxidermy for dummies" books and wondering whether or not it's something I could get into because those damn squirrels are SO freaking expensive!
    Then I got distracted by one of the many bookmarks at the top of my browser, and halfway through reading a blog, I saw a link here and felt compelled to click on it - because who doesn't love stories about underpants?!? (probably nuns.) So now I'll sit here reading through your posts until I find a story about your underwear or something shiny comes along. (that's what I call those little distractions. Something shiny...)
    That's why I currently have 14 tabs open. Not even fibbing!