Thursday, November 29, 2012

On how The Mindy Project gets you through tough times and why flashing strangers gets you a free meal.


There are times in your life that are life affirming and soul crushing. There are times in your life that you laugh so hard you cry, and cry so hard you laugh. And then there are the times in your life that you wish you could crawl under a table and die.

And those moments happen to me about once a week. Luckily for you, the most recent happened this morning and I’m choosing to share it with you because, well, it’ll make you all feel better about yourselves. And that’s what I’m here for.

So this morning I had an appointment with the doctor for my annual checkup. No prob, right? Totally. I got this. I’m all over my annual, and my doctor loves me. Mainly because every time I go to her she has a really fun talk with me about my age and rapidly dying reproductive organs. It’s a good time, we all have a good laugh, and I leave there feeling better about myself than when I walked through the door. 

Wait, what’s that? That’s not what happens at all? You are correct. That’s actually how I’m assuming she feels. I usually walk out of there and then have a panicked conversation with CB that makes him feel really uncomfortable and pretend he’s lost the ability to hear things.

Anyway, today I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to avoid the “geriatric pregnancy” conversation and you’ll all be glad to know that I succeeded. However, I now need to find a new doctor because what happened has rendered me unable to ever even walk by the office, let alone go back into it.

So there I am all ready to go, hanging out on the table and just generally enjoying life. The doctor comes in and I’m immediately taken off guard because it’s some dude in a sport coat I’ve never seen before. He introduces himself, starts making small talk about the weather and Thanksgiving, and because my brain works in overdrive when I have anxiety about uncomfortable situations, I decided to just go right ahead and make this as awkward as possible early on.

I mean, why not just cut to the chase?  We all know where this is going and so I’m just going to speed things along.

Me: So is it weird when you have new patients?
Doc: Weird?
Me: Yeah, I mean, we get pretty intimate pretty fast and we just met! Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?
Doc, getting super red: Uh…..
Me: I’m just kidding! I know that’s a really overused joke but it seemed appropriate.

You see now this is where, in most people’s minds, they’d just stop talking and let the appointment happen. But instead, I started rambling on about “The Mindy Project” and basically re-telling an entire episode to him as he started the exam, talking about “un-lamp-like feelings” and anything else I could remember.

Why? Because my brain betrays me at very inopportune times and also because I’m a panic-talker.

So finally this horrible conversation is over. Though, to be fair, when I say “conversation,” I actually mean “monologue” because I think he must’ve done one of those things that people do when they’re dying and sort of float outside of their own bodies so he could pretend this whole thing wasn’t happening. Because he literally didn’t say a word except one time when he half-heartedly asked me what “un-lamp-like feelings” meant and then I got into a tailspin explaining it and then he took off his gloves and left the room.

Also, and this is important, I think it’s possible that he mumbled something like “you can put your clothes back on.” However, I did not hear this mumble and so, instead, I sat in the quiet, stark room in my paper suit, waiting patiently for someone to come back in and tell me how to behave like a normal patient.

And so I waited. And waited. And finally just started reading the names aloud of random female body parts that were identified on the lady parts poster hanging in the room. And then I picked up the lady parts model sitting on the table and moved the uterus all over the place like a rubix cube.

What? That’s totally normal.

Anyway, by this point, no exaggeration, I’m pretty sure 5-10 minutes went by. And I started to wonder if we were done and if, perhaps, I should put my clothes back on. So I hopped off the table, turned around, and bent over to pick up my clothes from the chair...as the nurse brought another patient into the room.

Hello, Expectant Mother, I am Becky’s backside. Nice to meet you.

Someone shrieked – it may or may not have been me – and somehow the lady parts model ended up on the floor, uterus rolling across the tile as I scrambled for my underpants and to close the back of my “gown.” And I did that thing you do when you panic put on anything and I started just randomly shoving limbs into leg holes and had my underpants on backwards.

Also, can we just all get on board right now and agree that these need a new name? I’m not walking in a pageant or on the red carpet, I’m being violated by a stranger in a sport coat with a paper sheet across my front and confusing ties all over that never line up properly. So let’s leave the word “gown” behind and call it….paper dress. Deal?

Whatever, it’s totally fine. I mean, we’re all ladies, we’ve seen it before, and who doesn’t want to start off their Thursday morning looking at someone else’s Irish goods? I’m just saying, I mean, I’m a good time.

So finally I get clothed, sheepishly exit into the hallway where I can totally hear you all talking about me, and say “Ok, see you next year!” as if this was all totally normal.

But just as I was grabbing the handle to never set foot in this office again, Dr. Sport Coat said “Next time I’ll definitely buy you dinner first!”

Boom. Well played, Sport Coat, well played.

Happy Thursday, everyone! 

60 comments:

  1. You should have just written down your blog's website on a piece of paper and handed it to everyone. Once they read your blog, they would completely understand that this type of behavior is totally normal. For you.

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    1. Hahaha that's a great idea! I could have, like, business cards made up with just the link on there and say "Just read this. You'll understand."

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  2. lol Oh god I am soooo dying with laughter now! I do the exact same thing! I mean not flash people before they buy me dinner but I get in that paper "dress" and my mouth just starts rambling. Incidently what makes perfect sense in my head losses something in translation. Then when I try to explain myself I make it worse. Like the time I was in the position that we all know and love in my fancy paper dress and started rambling about how at least it wasn't an opening showing with tickets. What the heck you put a big fake window in your office and people's (my) mind atoutmatically goes to crowds lining up to see a show. Trying to explain a conversation that half happened in your head also not easy. :)

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    1. You definitely understand where I'm coming from and that's why I love my blog readers!

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  3. Oh my god. Oh my god. I thought things like this only happened to me.
    And what the heck - your paper dress has TIES? Mine was more like a paper hand towel. I got three of them. I tried to cover myself up with them to the best of my abilities, but it just wasn't working.....

    Good job by your Doctor, though! You have to go back to him - it can't get any worse, can it?

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    1. Right? I was glad he ended up having a sense of humor, though I'm pretty sure I can never look that nurse in the eye again....

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  4. LOVED THIS. "Panic talker." Hahahaha! Great post!

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  5. Okay, so I just now got a chance to read this and I'm DYING. Well done, my friend, well done :)

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  6. well done. And I love the Mindy Project. A lot. I have had two Dr's in my life that I can never show my face at again. One involved my family having lice (I know, right, yay elementary school days) and my having a complete breakdown about it and screaming at the Dr. For real. The second was me disagreeing with the Dr about retesting my child for allergies every year, I didn't feel it necessary. I actually called for an appointment the next year and the nurse came on the line and said I needed to find a new Dr. Yes, I was banned from an allergist's office. I don't know what comes over me. At my annual exam I usually cry. I start talking to the woman, and I end up sobbing. This never happens to me at other times. I know I now sound like I should be locked up. But I swear I'm totally normal. Except when I'm in a Dr.s office.

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    1. Haha see! Now I have something to strive for - I've never been banned from a Dr.'s office before!

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    2. Are you a Seinfeld fan? Remember when Elaine Bennis gets banned from a Dr. My husband and I still laugh about it being me. Super. See, now I'm making you feel better about yourself.

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    3. Oh I never saw that one! Hahahaha that's awesome!

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  7. OMG, I thought only I was the only one who tried to make small talk with the dr and ended up looking like a fool. My best friend works in his office so she always comes in to chat while I wait for him.....you know who your true friends are when they see you in a paper gown but still want to be friends. Then I end up babbling on for what I'm sure feels like hours to the dr before he finally escapes me. Lucky him we just have a once a year meeting so he gets time to recover before I see him again.

    I say still go to sports coat dude because it can only get worse seeing someone new next year.
    Donna

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    1. That IS a good friend!

      It's a good point about the new dr vs old dr thing. I'll have to see how I'm feeling 12 months from now. :-)

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  8. So . . . was the doctor saying he wanted to ask you out?

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  9. OMG, I love it!! I get the same way, but in the grocery line! If the grocery clerk asks me something about one of my purchaes, like, "Hey, is this soup good?" or "Does this toothpaste really whiten?" Ohhhhh Boy, it is ON. I don't know what happens, but I just start rambling and telling them the most inappropraite and UNRELATED things, like how my coffee addiction makes me pee a lot or how I have to eat soup at night otherwise my stomach hurts and I puke. WTF? I am not normal.

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    1. I do the same thing!!!! We're kindred spirits. :-)

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  10. Ok, good, it's not just me :) P.S., if you would like to follow me on twitter, I do awesome giveaways about every month or so, and I pick winners from those who tweet or somment on my blog :) The next one is a New Year's giveaway, if you are interested!

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  11. I love love love this post. A) because I adore the mindy project as well and I can totally relate to all of the awkwardness. you have a pretty awesome blog here, I am now following. Enjoy your SITS day hun.

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    1. Thank you!!! I respond positively to anyone who watches The Mindy Project. And obviously anyone who likes and reads the blog. Thanks so much for stopping by, and I hope to see you again on here! (going to check you out now, too!)

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  12. Oh, well. Life happens. It seems to happen a lot to you, doesn't it. Have a great SITS Day. Images in my mind from your post will be with me for a while. Not sure that's good, but it's Friday. All kidding aside, very funny. Enjoy your SITS Day.

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    1. Right?? It really does.

      And...you're welcome? Yeah, sorry for that visual. It's a beauty, isn't it?

      Thanks!

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  13. Six of the doctor's at my OBGYN office go to my church. So not only do I have to see the men who delivered my babies on a regular basis; one of their daughters was my helper for Vacation Bible School last year. My opening comment to her: "Your dad delivered both of my boys!" Hello? Awkward!! At least I didn't say it to one of his sons!!

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    1. Oh my GOSH! Hahaha that's awesome. Please tell me you've written about this!?

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  14. So my kids are going "mommy why are you laughing so HARD???!!!" as I am literally crying laughing my ARS off!!! Oh we would SERIOUSLY be BEST friends if we lived close! You SO need to talk to ANY of my friends to get the evidence that I AM YOU!!! Here's just a tiny little story of about four bazillion stories I could share: MY OB/GYN was "down there" and (wait for it) I squeezed her head with my knees. Yup. (It gets better) THEN I apologized and told her that what I did to her is what I do with my hubs for fun. BOOM! And the REALLY bad part? It didn't even HIT me that this was totally inappropraite until half way home driving in the car... I did that "uh... damn no I didn't" sigh. Total panic talker too... total. This just happened a few weeks ago, shared it with my CHRISTIAN women's group and they are apparently still laughing about it. My new nickname is "squeeze". Go figure.

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    1. Haha so glad it made you laugh, but not as hard as this comment just did!!! I can't believe you did that (and you're awesome)!!!! That'. The. Best.

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  15. Oh my gosh that is hilarious!! I am trying not to imagine that scenario, but it's hard not to. Happy SITS Day! :)

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    1. Haha I know, it's a terrible visual...

      Thanks!

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  16. I remember going in for an annual once and having my new male OB tell me that I didn't want to wait too much longer to have babies. I was 25. Copious amounts of alcohol may have been consumed afterward.

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  17. You're posts are as good as an episode of Girls. I will definitely be back for more.

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  18. Hilarious! And I love the Mindy Project too.

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  19. So now you have another follower...
    Coz you're just that embarrassing!
    It makes me feel sane.

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    1. Woohoo!! So happy to have you as a "follower". :-) Thank you!

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  20. Hilarious! And you get dinner next time. Sweet!

    Happy SITS Day!

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  21. Dear Goodness, that was freaking hilarious. HI-larious. Okay, when we went to our first OB appt (I was newly pregnant at 40) and they take you in to the room there was paper there, but I couldn't tear it apart and we couldn't figure it out so I actually wrapped it around myself and I looked like a dirt medical burrito and the doctor came in and my husband and I are all like "Hi!" and he was like, um just put it over your lap. So yeah I hear you.

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    1. So glad you liked it! Thanks for reading!

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  22. That was HILARIOUS!! I am pretty sure I would never step foot in that office again...hehehe. And I do the same thing though, keep talking well beyond when I should...

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    1. Oh thank you! Hehe yeah, I'm never going back there again. :-)

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  23. That was hilarious! Bless your heart! One year I had an exam that went extra slow and awkward by a nurse. Then my doctor came in to finanlize the visit and asked, "How's she do, it was her first one?" Happy SITS Day.

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    1. Thanks!! Oh my gosh, I think I would've turned bright red! Thanks for stopping by!

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  24. I remember reading this before and it's still funny. Enjoy your SITS Day.

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  25. I'm crying from laughing so hard. Your storytelling was so spot on that I could visualize the lady parts model and the uterus rolling on the floor. Hysterical! What's even more ironic is that this sounds just like something that would happen on an episode of The Mindy Project. Happy SITS Day!

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    1. I'm so glad you liked it!!! Hopefully you'll come back again! :-) Thanks so much!

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  26. Love this post and love your blog. Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. Thanks for reading!!! Glad you liked it. :)

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  27. Oh my god, I could barely even read this whole post it's so embarrassing. But the Mindy Project rules!

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  28. Wow! I needed a good laugh today. Thank you!

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