Thursday, November 8, 2012

And then a woman with face tattoos screamed at me until I cleaned.

So I learned a very valuable lesson yesterday. Actually, I learned two. One, working from home is the best thing that was ever invented by humanity. True story. And two, too much reality tv will give you nightmares about people with face tattoos.

Let me explain.

I decided that the people of New York and New Jersey had been through enough and didn’t need me losing my mind if I had to wait in ONE MORE LINE for a billion hours just to go 4 miles. So instead, I did everyone a solid and stayed home to work in my sweatpants. Also, I am officially a genius.

I knew from a very early age that sitting
and playing in the leaves would soon
lead to snow angels on the lawn.
It's the little things in life, people.  
First of all, something you should know about me is that, the colder and more miserable it gets outside, the happier I become. Likely because I was an Inuit in a former life. Or potentially because I still am one, not sure. But it’s always been the case that as the season changes from hot and sunny to cold and dreary, my mood continues to rise until I become nearly unbearable to all of the people around me, especially CB.

Case in point: Yesterday, I was making dinner because I totally became Suzy Homemaker while also being Super Productive Work From Home Becky. And CB was thrilled. But as I was breaking bread (literally) and setting the table, I kept singing everything I was saying – usually to the tune of “Winter Wonderland” and sometimes in a sort of Julia Child-esque voice that I can only imagine was undeniably thrilling to anyway passing by in the hallway. And obviously, to CB as well.

Me, in Julia Child voice: And then we break the bread…
CB: Seriously? There is something wrong with you, woman.
Me: But it’s a Winter Wonderland outside!
CB: This is going to be a very long winter.

Whatever. I’m going to choose to enjoy the Nor’easter that blew through the coast yesterday because I’m fortunate to have heat and blankets and I’m not sleeping in a cold, dark apartment anymore. So it’s glorious.

However, what isn’t so glorious is the fact that I may never sleep again because I can’t get the face of Diabla out of my mind and dreamt that she was screaming at me to wash the floors last night. Which is, like, the nicest thing I think she’s ever screamed at anyone to do. For real.

Who’s Diabla?  Uh, she’s a prisoner at Valley State Prison with full face tattoos on the reality show “Beyond Scared Straight” that CB introduced me to the other night. And then I On Demanded it yesterday morning as I responded to work emails and apparently was scared straight into never sleeping again.

Um, you're terrifying. 
Why? Because Diabla says stuff like “I didn’t do drive-bys….I wanted to see the people that I shot die.”  

No joke, if I wasn’t already scared of breaking the law because I hate it when people are mad at me (and I have morals?), I would definitely decide against it after a 4 hour marathon-of-my-own-making of this show.

What’s really terrifying is that I wasn’t even watching the show – I had it on and was sitting on the other side of the room working while it played in the background. So can you imagine what would’ve happened if I’d actually been stared in the face by Diabla and her prison friends for hours on end? Uh, I would’ve had to change my pants after wetting myself. No lie.'re welcome, America, good luck sleeping tonight! And Happy Thursday everyone!


  1. To quote: "Uh, I would’ve had to change my pants after wetting myself. No lie."

    Huh. Assuming you were actually wearing pants, but I'm willing to bet a million dollar book deal that this is actually a moot point.

    1. Ok, no joke, I ALMOST said something about that in my post today b/c I knew people would be like "Yeah right, like you were actually wearing pants!" (because you guys know me so well). But this is an exception to my usual steadfast rule of pants-optional. When it's chilly outside and snowing, get as cozy as possible, bundle up, and drink hot cocoa. So I actually DID have pants on!

  2. I am the same way about cold weather, it makes me positively giddy and gleeful. Here in Texas most people freak out and start wearing sweaters when it gets down to 70* but I'm the one shouting "Bring it on! Where's my snow?!"

    1. I'm so glad I'm not alone! Man, I don't know if I could live in Texas b/c of the're a better woman than I!

  3. Apparently I fail at being Canadian, because I hate hockey, maple syrup, and cold weather. Snow makes me cry. I would like to change locations with Lydia above me; I'm pretty sure I'd be much happier in Texas weather.

    1. Hahaha I have to show CB this because he's always teasing me for being Canadian because of how I love the cold so much!

  4. Umm I'll remember to never watch this show. Locked up already scares me enough!

  5. Ugh... cold weather! I hate it! After 20+ years living in tropical North Queensland, I stupidly moved to Melbourne. The weather here is ridiculous; hot, cold, hot, cold. The locals say 'Melbourne - four seasons in one day', and it's true. But most of the time it's cold. Cold, cold, cold. Come Autumn, my feet are crammed into the nearest pair of Ugg boots, and they don't emerge for eight months, minimum. The really frustrating thing is that in all those years in the tropics, I never lived in a place with a pool. But now I'm living in a place that's too cold for bathing, let alone swimming, I have the biggest back yard inground swimming pool I ever saw. *sigh* Oh, well. At least I can enjoy watching the wild ducks swimming in it. As long as I'm watching from inside the house. The centrally heated house. I did mention that I hate the cold, right?

    Oh, and Becky? You should never wet your pants when you're wearing sweats. It makes the fleece lining go all lumpy. Don't ask me how I know this.

    1. Um, you immediately need to blog about why you know that about sweat pants. GO!