Thursday, July 25, 2013

And then my underpants ALWAYS fall down.

Ok, so I don’t remember if I’ve ever told you guys about my ongoing issues with giant underpants. Have I?  Basically, it’s that I own and wear - accidentally - giant underpants that never fit my fanny.  Why? Because I was blessed with a behind that is simply an extension of my upper legs and in no way has shape or form.

Which, I must say, is a really unfortunate attribute in a post J-Lo world.

Anyway, I’ve had many a situation where I’ve found myself walking down the street while having to pull up my giant underpants as they make their way down my thighs. And one time I was getting patted down by an airport security person (like, I was at the airport, so it wasn’t inappropriate or anything) and I TOTALLY COULD TELL that she felt my underpants around my upper thighs and kept moving her hand up and down over it to figure out what the hell it was.

So obviously I immediately texted Courtney and was like “I think the airport security woman just realized that my underpants are not where they’re supposed to be.” And she was like “this is a perfectly normal conversation to be having with an adult.”

Also, I want to just cut to the chase where we experience the inevitable moment of you telling me that I’m just buying the wrong size underpants.

First of all, no I’m not.

Second of all, people in the underpants industry need to start making undergarments for people without any junk in the trunk. You can’t just assume there’s going to be a little something there. Some of us have tried for years – via chocolate cake and extra servings of pasta – to create the illusion of a bump, to no avail.

Some of us have even purchased the As Seen On TV Booty Bump, complete with the experience of your friends giving you the “good game” pat on your rear after a super funny joke or something and being like “why does your butt feel like pushy cotton?” And then you have to be like “What? That’s what butts feel like.” And they’re like “No, we have butts. That’s not what they feel like.” And then you hang your head in shame because FAIL.

Anyway, this happened, yet again, yesterday morning – and ALL DAY – while walking to work. I made the Number One Big Underpants Mistake and wore a dress. This is a no-no when your undergarments don’t fit because they will inevitably surpass the hemline of your dress, if you’re not careful, and then you’ll become THAT GIRL.

Also, I’m totally that girl.  
Tights might be a good option.

And I realize that if I bought smaller underpants, they’d likely stay around my waist because they’d be tighter. But then there’s the great debate of “What’s better? Underpants around your thighs or muffin top?”

A question for the ages.

Anyway, wearing accidentally giant underpants with a dress is super uncomfortable because you have to develop a finely honed skill of pulling your underpants up while simultaneously pulling your dress down so that you don’t moon half of Manhattan. And you also find yourself having these conversations with your better half.

CB: “So I saw that you were going to post something tomorrow about your underpants.”
Me: “Ugh, yes. They’re soooo big.”
CB: “You’re wearing the wrong underwear.”
Me: “It doesn’t happen to all of them, but enough to where I think that it’s the underwear, not me. I mean, they fall down ALL the time.”
CB: “But you’re the one buying the underwear, right?”
Me: “Right. But at least I have cute underwear.”
CB: “Kind of not the point.”
Me: “I think they’re either labeled wrong or my butt is even smaller than I thought it was. I mean, I can’t wear the Booty Bump every day.”
CB: “The what?”
Me: “The Booty Bump. It gives your booty a little bump.”
CB: “You know there are exercises you could do that would do that naturally so you don’t have to wear something called the Booty Bump?”
Me: “I’ve tried everything. If I do exercises it just makes my butt muscular and flat.”
CB: “But there are body builders and stuff who obviously can do it.”
Me: “So you want me to be a body builder so I can have a butt?”
CB: “No, you’re missing the point. I’m just saying that it’s possible to exercise and create that naturally by doing various exercises.”
Me: “I don’t want to do steroids.”
CB: “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”
Me: “I’m just saying that sometimes my underpants fall down and sometimes it’s embarrassing and sometimes a girl wants the bump illusion. I’m living the dream.”
CB: “You know, you don’t have to tell me everything, right?”
Me: “But who else am I going to tell?”
CB: “Nobody.”
Me: “That’s not an option.”
CB: “I’m aware.”

So what do you guys think? Any suggestions?

Happy Thursday! 


  1. Okay, you're talking to a fellow flat-ass. Trust me: You're buying the wrong underwear. Either the wrong cut or the wrong size or definitely the wrong brand. Unless your butt is legit concaved... then we have a whole different issue...

    1. Hahaha yeah, that's probably the most LOGICAL explanation...but what fun is logic?

  2. I'm so grateful I found your blog all those months ago. If CB really doesn't want to listen, you can tell me. I promise to keep the incredulous facial expressions to a minimum.

    1. Hahaha thank you! Might take you up on that!

  3. I wear spandex shorts under my dresses because I have thighs that rub together and it's embarrassing to get thigh chafing. Also, if the wind ever picks the bottom of my dress up I'm covered so I'm not flashing anyone.

  4. I loved this post! I really wish I could share some of my butt with you; I really wouldn't miss it at all!

  5. Love this blog and you can always make me laugh when I should be working. I say wear suspenders under all your clothes. Ha, Ha, Ha

    1. Thanks! Happy to be a work distraction. :-)
      And I'm sure CB would totally be down with me wearing suspenders!

  6. Are you German? I am, and most of my family have the flat butt. All my pants are poofy in the back and a little tight in the waist. I would def go for the muffin top to keep the undies up. That's what I do!

    1. Among other nationalities, yes! Hmmm, maybe that's it! Haha muffin top it is! (but then do I have to change the name of the blog?) ;-)

  7. I wish I could share your pain but my behind would make J.Lo proud. And maybe this is too over the top for you but since you share stories about your underwear...what about thongs? I'm a big proponent of them...especially in skirts / dresses. And I always feel like they fit tighter plus, they dont give you a muffin top :) sorry that this is so intrusive but I feel like it's okay...

  8. I am so right there with you! Okay, not with the underpants because I have found a pair that work and just buy tons (Victoria's Secret) but I have NO ass, and my pants fall down all the time and my crack shows and it's horrible. Also, I hate swimsuits. And then if I buy tight pants giving me a "hot ass" I also get a muffin top. I think I'm supposed to do squats and work my ass, but really I just stick with yoga pants, dealing with my crack showing, and being annoyed.

  9. Oh my gosh. I am so sorry you have to go through that! Underwear companies should get their act together! I love the conversation you had with your other half. Some people just don't understand! hehe

  10. I have gone through this practically all my life and I'm only 20!! Even though I wear about 4x clothing, I discovered that even X-Large slides down constantly, but Large is too small. Not only that, but once I get to an X-large underwear, there's not enough fabric to cover my entire front, if that makes sense! Ugh! I guess I'll just forever pull my underwear up.

  11. This is TOTALLY my world! I can either wear the bra high granny breifs there by allowing the belt on my pants to secure them, or I spend the day trying to get from descrete location to location where I can hitch them back up. Because heaven forbid they slip past my hips and then hang by the crotch of my pants until I can get to the restroom. I go full spandex volleyball shorts under dresses and skirts, just can risk them dropping to my ankles in public ;-)