So now that we’ve entered yet another new year, I think it’s
only appropriate that I share with you my non-exercise-related resolutions. And
basically the only reason I’m not sharing my exercise-related resolutions with
you is because that’s boring and also I don’t want to be held accountable when
I decide that “exercise” is best described as “eating the leftover Christmas
chocolate in the refrigerator.”
Some of these will be harder than others, but I figure if I
put it out into the blogesphere - which is well known for holding people
accountable and also talking about whether Kim Kardashian waxes her baby’s
eyebrows – I might have a fighting chance at keeping a few. So here we go.
Resolution #1: Possibly stop reading
Ok, so last night I decided that, instead of reading the
book I borrowed from my parents that has me re-reading several pages in a row
because I get distracted easily, I’d read the O Magazine
that I bought and didn’t read on my plane ride to and
from my trip home over the holiday. So I’m thumbing through the articles and
happen upon a section that’s all about, like, improving yourself in the new
year and stuff and started reading a blurb about how to describe your online
Or I think that’s what it was about. It was only about 150
words but I read just the middle to last part of it because it was basically
talking about accurately describing yourself for your Twitter profile and not
stressing about it and I was confused that this was a thing.
However, I then read the next part:
“Reveal your job, then toss in a personal throwaway about
loving bacon or jazz. It shows you’re human.”
Wait, am I’m supposed to tell someone what I do for a living
and then be like “I also like bacon! I’m a human not a robot!”? And then I got stressed
that I’m doing human interacting wrong, even when online.
So I moved on to the next piece of advice. Obviously.
THIS one was about helping to feel less stressed, which of
course we can all benefit from and so I jumped right on board! Especially since
the last tidbit about describing my human qualities stressed me out.
“When you’re feeling frazzled, adopt an attitude of
acceptance,” suggests meditation expert and psychotherapist Tara Brach: “Notice
what’s going on inside you and mentally whisper ‘yes’ to the experience; ‘yes’
to the anxiety, ‘yes’ to the tension, ‘yes’ to the irritation. With each yes,
you give space for the experience to unfold.”
So, ok, I have a few questions here. First of all, is it
just me, or do others not want to give space to their anxiety and tension? Or
wait, am I doing anxiety and tension wrong? See, this is why I can’t do yoga
and also clearly don’t visit a psychotherapist on a regular basis. Also, I
already have trouble keeping thoughts on the inside, according to CB, and I
sometimes talk out loud my thoughts without realizing it. So what will happen
if I am just sitting at my desk at work and am like ‘Yes’ every time a
stressful email comes through? Is this a thing?
Ok, Oprah, you are rich and powerful and have infinitely
better skin at 60 than I do at 36, so I’ll give it a go. Yes, yes, yes! But
also I might stop reading your magazine.
Resolution #2: Focus less on your
Well, this might change now that I’m supposed to just yes my
stress and tension into and out of my life. And if I yes them into my life I
will at least solve the problem of looking randomly surprised on the subway and
at my desk when I do my exercise to stretch away the lines. Which obviously has
been scientifically proven to work.
|Very important to note that this is my|
forehead at rest. I'm not actively
scowling and/or mad at you.
I honestly didn’t notice until someone
brought it up a few years ago that I could use some Botox on my forehead lines. And then I said no
thank you because I would for sure be the one in million person to get Stroke
Face from my Botox-gone-wrong vanity party for one.
So, I decided that I'd (a) embrace them and (b) stretch them.
|Do I have cross eyes? |
This is me when I’m looking surprised and stretching the
lines so they don’t get too comfy. I’m not a well woman. And yes, this is a
real thing I do. And yes, I took a picture just for you guys.
Resolution #3: I will continue not
Resolution #4: I will attempt to
stop saying “Ooooh this is an easy one” or “Ooooh this is hard” before reading
Trivial Pursuit questions while playing with my friends.
Because apparently this is super annoying?
Resolution #5: Will try not to roll
my eyes as much and/or tune out CB when he talks about golf, golfers, or things
related to either.
Actually, scratch that. I need to set attainable goals.
#6: Will try to be less ‘bad
Have we talked about this before? I can’t remember, but just
to recap, I have a theory that there’s good crazy and bad crazy. And as much as
I try to tell CB that I’m obviously the good crazy, he reminds me that “crazy
is crazy and maybe just try not to be either one?” But of course that’s a silly
suggestion because, have we met?
Example of good crazy
: Doing the surprised face in public
and not realizing people might be seeing you. OR being cool, calm, and collected while
describing to your significant other why leaving the cabinet doors open after
taking a glass out is something that should cause everyone extreme amounts of
anxiety and REALLY PLEASE JUST DON’T DO IT.
|And then they do this to prove to you that they love you and|
you are good crazy and won't freak out.
Example of bad crazy: Talk-crying through an explanation of
why you were totally fine that your significant other wanted to watch “American
Horror Story” while you wanted to watch “When Harry Met Sally” and that you
only were upset that you thought he wanted to watch “When Harry Met Sally”,
too. Which obviously is a reason to start quiet-crying on the couch during a
IT HAPPENED MONTHS AGO, BUT I NEEDED AN EXAMPLE. (also I'm putting in our wedding vows that he can commit me if I do this again
So ok, I’ve shared with you, now you share with me! Did you
guys make resolutions that you can share?