So yesterday, someone stole all of my money and then, in my mind, skipped all around their house as they purchased various electronic devices and pieces of stylish clothing online.
Also, it makes me jealous that someone who stole my money spent it on cooler stuff than I do. Like, I bought a bushel of grapes this morning. Thief with my money? Flat screen tv.
Anyway, after panic-calling my bank and the credit card company, I attempted to carry on professional work conversations while not throwing up all over my keyboard because of anxiety. And after an hour of that, I decided that I should go to the bank and make sure there wasn’t anything else I could do to make this not be happening.
So, a friend and I walked down to the bank to talk to the manager who, it should be noted, for sure took a course in active listening and reflective speech. I felt like I was getting banking advice and sitting in a therapists office all at the same time. Which was useful, because I needed both and so it felt good to be efficient.
Me: "I’m glad that it’ll hopefully just be a few days. Otherwise, you guys would see me sleeping outside of the bank making sad faces in the window."
Bank manager: "I can appreciate that this must be frustrating and it sounds like it could be a inconvenient for you for a few days."
Me: "Yeah. The reason I’d be sleeping outside of the bank is because I would have no money."
Bank manager: "I understand."
Me: "So ok, thanks for this information, I appreciate the help."
Bank manager: "You’re very welcome, and I’m sorry this is happening, it sounds like it must be frustrating for you."
Me: "Thanks. Also, could you do me a favor and just think really good banking thoughts for me for the next few days? We’ll be doing it (motioning to my friend) and I feel like the more people who think good banking thoughts, the better."
Bank manager, nervously laughing and looking uncomfortable.
Me: "I mean, you don’t have to devote all of your energy to it, but just a few good thoughts every hour or so would be awesome."
Bank manager, staring nervously because this wasn’t taught in Therapy Banking Class.
Me, to my friend as we walked away: "I think I just terrified him. They’re definitely changing the locks the moment we leave."
Friend: "One hundred percent."
|"Abracadabra...give me back my money."|
Anyway, as it turns out, good banking thoughts don’t go nearly as far as they used to, and so I decided that I needed to come up with another strategy.
And so I went to Oprah for advice. Obviously
Cut to: me listening to Oprah and Deepak Chopra talk about meditating for sixteen minutes while I nervously changed all of my passwords and put extra alerts on all of my accounts.
Turns out, Oprah and Deepak are doing a 21-Day Meditation Challenge and want me to join in. And they’re totally richer than me. So I’m definitely meditating.
The only problem is that I’m wildly unfocused when it comes to meditating, yoga, or sitting still, and so I think the word “challenge” will be the operative one here. I mean, I’m totally focused at work, when people aren’t taking my money. And I’m totally focused when I run on the treadmill, but that’s helped out by my Beyonce mix.
But when I’m sitting and listening to Oprah’s voice telling me about the journey to perfect health through meditation, all I can think about is the time that Oprah ran that marathon and totally beat my marathon time, which got me to thinking about how unfair it is that Oprah is both richer and faster than me.
And then I started thinking about how many times Oprah had to read this sixteen minute speech to me on her website, because I’ve heard that those things can take, like, days to get right when people are reading their books on tape. And so I was making bets with myself about how long it took her to get it right.
And then I started wondering whether Oprah makes Steadman do all of this stuff with her, or if he thinks it’s all hogwash, and then I had to Google where the word “hogwash” came from, and then the sixteen minutes were up and I had no idea what she’d said.
And then I realized that this 21 Day Challenge is going to be unbearable. So I ate a piece of pizza and counted the pennies in my wallet instead.
But what do you think? Should I take the challenge? It could make for some good blog material….
Happy Wednesday, everyone!