So you guys, I think I’m going to start a new series on this blog called “Things I Don’t Understand.” Because the list is plentiful. And nearly every day I think to myself “wait, what? I don't understand.” and then try to figure out what the f is going on. Usually this happens on my way to or from work because those are the hours where I’m among other adults who are doing or saying or liking things that make no sense to me.
Let’s get started.
Sneezing and not covering your mouth. This is something I plan on teaching my daughter not to do as soon as she figures out that, while adorable, her sneezes are grody to others who didn’t birth her. Which I believe comes right after her figuring out that it’s easier to grab things if her hands aren’t clenched into fist form. So, you know, a few more months from now.
But this morning a guy, like, non-adorably sneezed into the subway air and I wanted to wear a Michael Jackson mask forever. I gave him my glaring-est glare, but it didn’t seem to have much of an impact. Especially since I looked for support from my other commuter comrades and they were all busy not caring about dying of typhoid. Or whatever is transmitted via sneeze. I just don’t understand.
Wearing an untied bowtie around your neck. There was a guy wearing a normal outfit with an untied polka-dot bowtie around his neck this morning, you guys. I did a quick assessment to see if he was doing a walk of shame from a fancy night-before, but he had too much product in his hair and a t-shirt on for that to be the case. If it was a walk of shame he’d just take the dumb un-tied bowtie off, no? And you certainly don't do your hair. You're getting the heck outta there (from what I've heard.)
Which leads me to believe it was on purpose. And so I don’t understand. So I googled it when I got to work, as any normal grownup with a life would do, and found this.
And while I've been known to adopt awful, awful trends like rooster hair and pegging of the pants, I was THIRTEEN. Thirteen-year-old people, as a rule, are dumb. With awful taste in trends. I mean, I also thought I would be marrying Jordan Knight so, you know, having rooster hair went with the territory.
I just don’t understand.
The song “Can’t Feel My Face.” Can someone with ears please explain this to me? I was listening to the radio the other day and the DJ said that this was the song of the summer. So then, of course, I realized that it was September and I’d never heard the song because I live in a cave of my own self-protection.
So I texted CB about how I couldn’t believe I’d never heard the song of the summer but also that I couldn’t believe it was the song of the summer because it was awful. He responded that we’re old and should just listen to old-timey music for the rest of our lives because only old people have these conversations. Or something.
But stay with me here for a minute, let’s unpack this one: the band/person’s name is “The Weeknd.” No, I didn’t forget the “e,” they/he did. Why? It’s only one letter, you’re not really saving time and, if anything, are just confusing poor old people who don’t understand spelling things wrong by one letter. It makes my brain hurt.
Also, is this the name of the person singing the song or is it a band? I don’t understand if The Weeknd is a person or multiple people. So I YouTube’d the song and I think he’s just one guy. Who also has rooster hair. Full circle.
But really, I simply don’t understand. Why can’t you feel your face when you’re with me? Did you just come from the dentist? Have I drugged you or immobilized your senses in some way? In which case, you really shouldn’t hang out with me anymore. Don’t love me, The Weeknd! I’m bad for your face!
I just don’t understand.