Just Call Me Ebenezer

It’s possible that I’m writing this while listening to the New Kids on the Block Christmas channel on Pandora. Don’t judge and try not to dance during “Funky Funky Christmas.” Can’t happen (yes it can, according to CB, but he lies).

Anyway, I’m about to be the Grinch, you guys, hunker down, there’s some Scrooge’ing going on in my brain and I can’t stop it. Nor do I really want to? Because I’m totally right and my judgment is warranted, is what I tell myself while trying to be merry.

Ok, so I’m a fan of animals. Dogs, cats, adorable bunnies – I’m good with all of them. I had a beloved cat for 13 years as and we had a dog and cats growing up. However, we’ve gone ‘round the bend and need to stop. It’s madness, you guys.

You see, I was at the gym today, listening to a conversation between two women discussing their upcoming holiday travel plans. It started out normal enough until one of the women began talking about what a pain it’s turning out to be to take her dog on holiday with them.

First, I object to this on principle: unless you’re moving and/or impaired in some way and require the assistance of a canine, don’t bring your dog on vacation. Nobody wants your dog on the plane, I promise. Listen, nobody wants my baby on the plane and she’s incredibly cute, wears festive hats, and has dimples. Also, nobody at your final destination wants your dog there, either. I promise. However, my overall objection to this is because the woman proved herself to be an insane person and I was disturbed that the other woman continued to discuss this with her as if it was at all normal. To the point that I started making counter-arguments in my head at her even though she wasn’t talking to me and also maybe I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping?

Whatever. The following things actually came out of the dog-owners mouth and I full-on stared at her while they did. I didn’t even try to hide the fact that I was judging her with my eyes and aggressively arguing with her in my brain.

She said….

·         I want her (the dog) with me because I don’t have as much fun if she’s not there. I feel like she will miss me.

Counter-point:

·         She’ll be fine. You won’t, but that’s beyond your dog’s problem.

She said….

·         She could stay with my brother, who lives on a few acres of land and they have two dogs themselves. But they just let their dogs outside to run around and my dog needs to be walked on a leash or she won’t go to the bathroom. She’s an indoor dog.

Counter-point:

·         OH MY GOD. There’s no such thing as an indoor dog. Good grief I dislike this lady a ton. She’s describing a somewhat awful experience of dragging her “indoor dog” onto a plane full of no other dogs so that she can have her in a hotel room at her final destination because the dog will miss her otherwise. OR, the dog could play with other dogs and run around like dogs love doing because GENETICS and not be put on a leash by her insane owner?

She said….

·         The only problem is that I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t spend $7500 and all of this time to have my dog on vacation with me.

Counter-point:

·         You shouldn’t. You’re just starting to think that? The fact that an actual sentence like this came out of your mouth tells me more about you than anything else I’ll ever hear from you ever while eavesdropping in the locker room.  

See? I’m totally Scrooge-y! Why am I so mean? These are ACTUAL thoughts I had while she was complaining about her dog struggles! It’s almost Christmas and I was all like “you are a ridiculous person.” What happened to having a charitable heart? My heart isn’t even in the same room with everyone else’s charitable ones! Oh no, you guys!