Wednesday, February 6, 2013

And I may or may not have eaten my keys while trying to shove my Trapper Keeper into my purse.

So today somebody called me old while thinking they were complimenting me. It was a weird moment that made us all feel awkward until  I started mumbling about Caboodles and Garbage Pail Kids and then changed the subject so we could talk about eating pennies and keys.

It hasn’t been a normal morning.

The trifecta of awesome. 
But the weird part is that the conversation started out with my confident declaration that Trapper Keepers were making a comeback and I was feeling pretty good about the fact that I got in on the ground floor of that invention back in the 80s. Obviously. 

But then some child who snuck into the office and started pretend-working said “What’s a Trapper Keeper?” And then the world gasped and he was shunned.

OR, three other people then looked at me and asked me the same thing and so I tried to shame them with my knowledge of loose-leaf binders with Velcro closures and awesome cats or tv shows on them.

Child: Wow, you went to school in the 80s? I thought you were my age. You don’t look that old!

And then I gave him a half-smile while trying to murder him with my eyes.

However, after that enriching moment, I decided that perhaps I needed to start re-thinking my conversational skills because, while shock and/or confusion overcome many who have decided to converse with me about pretty much anything, I’m starting to notice a pattern of behavior on my part where I think that my thoughts and actions are totally normal. And then I say them out loud. And then I am wrong.

A good example of this is a chat I had with CB and Cousin Nikki recently where I talked about eating keys.

Let me explain.

After our “fun”adventure to Soul Cycle this weekend, some people grabbed healthy wheatgrass or kale or tumbleweed shakes to re-fuel. I, however, decided to save room for a burger and fries later because I obviously know what my body needs to work at its peak performance level.

Anyway, on the train ride home, Cousin Nikki was talking about how the wheatgrass shots tasted like grass clippings.

Me: How do you know what grass clippings taste like?
Cousin Nikki: Everybody knows what grass clipping taste like. I mean, didn’t you eat grass as a kid?
Me, pausing to think about the likelihood of this: Yeah, I guess that’s true. Everyone kind of just knows what grass tastes like.


Me: Sort of like how everyone knows what their keys taste like.
Cousin Nikki and CB stare at each other.
Me: I mean, not like you’ve actually eaten your keys, but you totally know what keys taste like if you eat a mint that’s been at the bottom of your purse, and when you put it in your mouth you’re like ‘Huh, this kind of tastes like my keys.’
Cousin Nikki: Um, people don’t do that.
CB: You eat your keys?
Me: No! But wait! Ok, so you know how you just sort of know what pennies taste like? Well that’s what your keys taste like. It’s basically the same thing.
CB: Wait, why are you eating pennies?
Cousin Nikki, to CB: Um, your girlfriend fully eats keys and pennies. We might want to re-think this whole thing.
Me: I don’t eat keys and pennies, just mints that taste like keys and pennies. Also, you guys eat grass!
Cousin Nikki: But everyone has eaten grass!
Me: I totally took your side on that! I can’t believe you haven’t eaten key mints before.
CB: Please stop talking.

Whatever. This is one of those times that I’m going to take a change and put it out there because that’s how I roll. And there’s a not-so-small part of me that thinks that the lovely, devoted readers of this blog will back me up on this one. So c’mon, people, key mints! Who’s with me?

Publishing note: While I typically don’t post on Thursday’s, tomorrow will be an exception. However, it will not be written by me, lovely readers, but rather by a guest blogger who has a slightly different take on the SoulCycle post from earlier this week. So, tune in tomorrow for my first ever GUEST BLOGGER! 


  1. I think you are my Siamese twin separated at birth. While I no longer have a Trapper Keeper or Caboodle I am proud to say that my Garbage Pail Kids cards are in mint condition. I even have the VHS of their movie.

    And while I don't eat the mints, I know what keys taste like. Sometimes you run out of hands and need to hold things in your mouth, right?

    1. See, I KNEW someone would come to my rescue on this!! However, no one has admitted to eating purse mints, which is starting to worry me about, well, me.

      VHS of the movie. Best.

  2. I teach high school.

    If you want to go blow for blow with "how people say things to make us feel old," I'm quite ready to throw down, sistah.

    I mean, some of us had Disco Mickey Mouse as our first LP.

    And yes... that is LOADED with age...

    1. I give you a lot of credit, I can't even imagine.

      Also, I totally know what Disco Mickey Mouse is! And it may or may not have been my first LP. So....perhaps we're equally super-old?

    2. My fav was this exchange:
      Student: why does everyone hate in One Direction?
      Me: Well, your mom's can't give you a hard time, they screamed like that for the Beatles.
      Student: Mine didn't. My Grandma did.....

  3. Duh! I have never eaten grass (or keys or pennies) and totally know what they all taste like! I have taken wheat grass shots, and they totally taste like the underside of a lawnmower-even though I have never licked the underside of the lawn mower!

    Plus, keys and pennies are weird metals that just permeate every surface-such as mints! You are not crazy. CB and Cousin Nikki are totes crazy.

    1. Right?? I couldn't agree with you more. See, THIS is (one of the many reasons why) I love my blog readers! (and agreed - CB and Cousin Nikki are for sure crazy. Obviously.)

  4. So none of these people have ever put their keys in their mouth when their hands were full? They are the crazy ones, not you :) Also, I pretty much know I'm older than you, because I know your friend and I'm older than her, but not sure by how much. It's enough for me to say that I never had Garbage Pail kids or Caboodles. And I often call my 13 year old's binder a trapper isn't a true trapper keeper but it zips up all around and "traps" everything in. Obviously a trapper keeper. (ish).

    1. Right?? I totally agree, they're OBVIOUSLY the crazy ones. :-)

  5. When I was teaching (about 10 years ago) all the supply lists used to ask for "a three-ring binder--NO TRAPPER KEEPERS!" They don't say that anymore and I think, sadly, it is because no one knows what a trapper keeper is these days. That makes me feel sad and old too. BUT WE'RE NOT OLD!!

    PS My word verification just now involved the numbers 90210--I kid you not!

    1. Yes! Totally not old. Agreed.

      Also, that's the best word verification EVER. It's like it knew!

  6. I would like you to know that GARBAGE PAIL KIDS ARE BACK!!! I found them at a store the other day, and while they will never be as great as the originals, they no longer come with a stick of unedible gum, they only come 4 cards to a back, and they now cost $1 for a lousy 4 cards and no gum, I had to buy a pack for every child of the 80's who I come into contact with on a regular basis. And every single one of those children of the 80's had to pick their jaws up off the ground before they thanked me with tears in their eyes. Good times...

    1. YESSSSSSSSSS! Best. News. Ever. Though I'm pretty sure if I showed up with a bunch of Garbage Pail kids to CB's place he'd reconsider this whole thing... (though, to be fair, he probably reconsiders it all the time as it is...)

    2. What did it do to my name up there???

    3. I thought that was weird, too! I was like "who is THIS person?" Whew, so glad it was you! :-)

  7. Dang! Now I want my two childhood Caboodles back!

  8. By the time I left school I had about 10 Trapper Keepers sitting around. Complete with the cool side flap folders. Also, a stack of Garbage Pail Kid cards and about 7 Caboodles. (My grandmother kept buying them for me. Thanks, Gramma!!! :D ) Also, my current makeup case is Caboodle brand. sadly it doesn't have the little swing-y out atorage areas.

    And who HASN'T put their keys in their mouths at some point when they had no spare hands??? I call shenanigans on your friends/family.

    Key mints are icky.

  9. how do they NOT know what keys, pennies or key-mints taste like? EVERYBODY knows what those taste like!!! Seriously tho, don't they??