Monday, April 28, 2014

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other night, while watching a show where someone got stung by a jellyfish:

Me: “I’ve heard that’s awful. This is yet another reason not to ever go in the ocean.”
CB: “Yeah, getting stung hurts like nothing else.”
Me: “You say that like you’ve gotten stung before.”
CB: “Yeah, I’m sure I have.”
Me: “Wait. You’ve gotten stung by a jellyfish?”
CB: “Sure.”
Me: “Sure? You are being very casual about being stung by an ocean predator.”
CB, laughing: “I mean, it’s pretty common.”
Me: “In what universe is it common to get stung by a jellyfish?”
CB: “At the Jersey Shore it happens all the time!”
Me: “First of all, I don’t hear of it happening all the time because that’s insane. Second of all, when was it that you got stung by a jellyfish?”
CB: “I don’t know, but I’m sure I have.”
Me: “Um, I feel like you’re lying without even realizing it. Nobody is this nonchalant about getting stung by a jellyfish. I mean, I got stung by a bee once and I’ve told you that story at least a dozen times in a variety of contexts. If I got stung by a jellyfish, you’d never hear me talk about anything else.”
CB: “I know.”
Me: “But seriously. How are you just casually assuming you got stung? That’s not normal.”
CB: “I don’t know, Beck, but it’s just not a big deal. I don’t know why we’re even still talking about this.”
Me: “I will never stop bringing this up until I get to the bottom of it. Either you’re casually assuming you got stung but don’t actually remember it, which makes you a crazy person, or you did get stung and you are being so casual I’m worried what other terrible things have happened to you that you haven’t shared yet.”
CB: “This conversation is getting to the top of my list at the moment.”
Me: “So goes the story of your life.”


Me, looking out our bedroom window at three men on a roof a few streets away.

Me: “There are more guys on the roof!”
CB, not looking: “The same roof?”
Me: “How do I know if it’s the same roof? It’s in the same general area as that one guy we saw shoveling snow off his roof a few months ago. But I don’t know if it’s the exact same house.”
CB, looking out the window: “I don’t see any guys.”
Me, pointing: “Right there!”
CB, continuing to look: “Are you hallucinating?”
Me: “Right there.”
CB, finally seeing the men: “Oh wow, how on earth did you see that far away?”
Me: “ It’s like three blocks. It’s not that far.”
CB: “What do you have, like, Superman eyesight?”
Me: “Is that a thing?”
CB: “What?”
Me: “Superman eyesight. Did he have really good eyesight or something?”
CB, looking at me in shock and disgust: “It’s Superman! He had incredible everything!”
Me: “But, like, was eyesight something that was highlighted?”
CB: “Oh my God, how do you not know who Superman is?”
Me: “Of course I know who Superman is. I just didn’t know he was known for having 20/20 vision.”
CB: “Beck, he’s Superman.”
Me: “You keep saying that like it should mean something to me. Have we met?”
CB: “I literally think you live in a bubble.”
Me: “It’s the only way I survive.”

Happy Monday, everyone!


  1. Superman has x-ray vision, so he could see those guys' underpants.

  2. I've gotten, like, 5 emails from people saying "Superman has xray vision!!" Um, apparently I'm the only one in the dark?
    Love that you incorporated underpants into your comment. Best.

  3. Maybe it was Superman on the roof, shovelling snow. Clark Kent needs to do something now that print media is on the way out.