Monday, September 8, 2014

How Marriage Turned Me Into a Monster

So, we got married. I realize that I’m sort of late to the game on this announcement, but apparently when you get married, you completely lose track of space and time and fly to foreign lands where blogging is overshadowed by flowery drinks and king sized beds.

ALSO! The king sized bed is the key to all happiness and renders you virtually unable to detect another human on the very other side of this enormous sleep heaven. It was win/win for my blossoming marriage and, upon returning to the reality of New Jersey, our sad queen had me suggesting to CB that “maybe you should go and sleep on the blow up air mattress in the living room.” To which I think he just told me how much he loved me and how happy he was that he’s legally bound to me for forever and ever. I mean, that was the gist.

Anyway, while thinking about what my very first “official” blog post would be as Mrs. CB, I realized that I could bore you with details about centerpieces and lacey dresses and having the best time ever. But that’s not why you come to this here blog now, is it? Besides, all of the beauty got overshadowed by marriage taking all of mine away within 48 hours, to the tune of CB waking up Monday morning and saying “what’s wrong with your face?”

Ahh, love.

You see, for a few days leading up to our wedding, I was having a hard time sleeping. And so, come Saturday, I was basically running on coffee, excitement, and love fumes that fueled me well into the wee hours of Sunday morning. Which found me wide-eyed and still awake into the less-wee hours of Sunday and right on into the dark hours of Sunday night when I started dry coughing, popping Advil, and low-moaning about why my body hated me.

And I’m sure that CB would’ve been a lot more sympathetic to my plight had he been awake and not snoring in the “listening to how sick you feel” position in bed. However, I figured a night of taking nighttime cold medicine, 18 cough drops, and lots of water would do the trick.

But the joke was on me and my excitement over hopping a 22 hour flight to my honeymoon the next day when I woke up to what I can only describe as “Sloth Face.” Except less charming? 
Not the look you want your
new husband to experience. At least not
'til Year Two. 

Apparently, my body responds poorly to stress, exhaustion, and intricate planning that depends upon nothing going wrong. And so, when I took a look in the mirror, all I saw was a severely puffy face and incredibly dark, “you got punched in both eyes” circles that accentuated the wrinkles I recently acquired along with my new last name.

Me: “What the f happened to my face?!?”
CB, being cautious and smart: “I think maybe you’re tired…”
Me, turning around to point at my face: “Tired?! Why is my face swollen and I have two black eyes and wrinkles??”
CB: “Yeah, I’m not sure what’s happening…”
Me: “I mean, maybe it’s sinuses? But I’ve had sinus infections before and it’s never looked like this.”
CB: “It definitely does look unique to anything I’ve seen before.”
Me: “We have to go to urgent care.”
CB: “And you should probably put on some sunglasses.”
Me: “I hate you.”

But he was right.

Fast forward to an hour later as I was sitting in the doctor’s office and explaining my symptoms.

Doctor: “I’m not quite sure what it is, but it’s likely viral. But let me check your ears first because, if you have an ear infection, you won’t be able to get on the plane.”

And then, without having to say any words, CB and I looked at each other and came to the understanding that, should said ear infection exist within my body, he would be experiencing Indonesia all on his own and we’d get over the horrible fight later that we would be having to lead to that decision.

Doctor: “No ear infection, so that’s good news.”
Me: “Oh thank God, I thought you might be going alone!”
CB: “I’m glad we were on the same page.”

Anyway, she prescribed some meds, sent me with a list of over-the-counters to buy at CVS, and wished us a happy, virus-free life together. And I’m happy to say that, by the time we landed in Bali, I was much less swollen, very well-rested, and ready for the adventure! And what an adventure it was……

….which I’ll tell you about next time! Happy Monday, everyone! 


  1. Oh man, "put on some sunglasses" and "I'm glad we were on the same page crack me up! I can totally hear that conversation and see your reactions. At least you always see things with a smile instead of 'poor me'. Love ya!