Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Doctors and Nurses: You're on Notice.

There are times in life when you’re truly tested. For me, nearly all of them have occurred while growing a human being inside of my body and trying not to completely f it up.

For example: While pregnant, I’ve tried to make sure that I’m eating enough fruits and vegetables on a daily basis. I mean, this is not my go-to move. But also, let’s get real, most adults don’t do this on their best day, let alone when all their body-that-isn’t-their-own-anymore wants to do is eat a bag full of Sour Patch Kids (fruit flavored!) with a side of hamburger pickles. Or so I’ve been told.

But you look up the daily suggestions for intake, add two of each more to your day, and consider yourself light years ahead of the women who birthed babies back in the days when smoking cigarettes on their break from drinking whiskey was considered standard practice. However, I call foul on the doctors who have decided that part of this mom-test is checking to see if your alien body can tolerate sugar by basically putting you in a medically induced, low-level torture situation that involves orange soda, all of your blood, and no food.

You guys.

I mean, to be fair, this isn’t how it starts. They start by letting you eat like a normal (pregnant) person, giving you the sugar soda, making you wait an hour, not letting you pee, and then taking your blood. The torture test is only for those of us who under-achieve and fail the test so that the poor nurse has to call and talk to you in a soothing tone about the “next steps.”

Which I’ll be taking on Friday morning.

Let me set the scene for you: You’re 25 weeks pregnant (do the math), not allowed to eat or drink for 8-9 hours leading up to the test, and are then handed over to a friendly, sadist nurse who draws your blood, sets 8 oz of orange soda with three extra tablespoons of sugar added to it in front of you, and tells you to drink it in 5 minutes or less. AND YOU CAN’T PEE. Or throw it up. Or, I’m pretty sure, stab the nurse, but I'll double-check all of the rules on Friday.

And then you wait for an hour until they draw your blood again. And then wait another hour so that they can draw more blood. And then wait one more hour so that they can take whatever is left of your sugar-blood and then probably also remind you of your name, address, and the fact that there’s a baby person inside of you that is causing all of this chaos in your life. (Mother of the Year).

Which obviously I’m looking forward to and not at all being dramatic about. Except that doesn’t sound anything like me, so let’s just assume I’ve already jumped ahead to the days that I’ll have to say no to cake and prick my finger once a day as a reminder of what a mom-failure I am and how my sugary ways almost hurt the baby and made it forty-five times bigger than average upon birth or something (I only skimmed the article).

Which is why I’m baking two desserts for Easter this weekend and making sure I consume whatever I want on Sunday because I feel like it’s my last time to enjoy sugar until sometime in July. Which is also why I already gave the baby a pep talk about bucking up this weekend and not kicking me every time I eat a jellybean, BABY. I’m doing this for US.

Wish me luck! (and won’t be blogging Friday because I probably won’t even know what a blog is by then since I’ll be on hour 12 of my forced starvation and trying to eat my own sweater.)

Happy Wednesday! 


  1. Reason number 6254105840321 of why I'll never get pregnant. This is PURE EVIL. Major torture in my book. I have given blood to the Red Cross and almost passed out. But they let me have a cookie and some juice. And I'm not even pregnant. I know this is "all for the good of the baby" blah blah blah but it sounds AWFUL for you. I hope someone is there to drive you home since you'll basically be drained of blood. Good luck, you'll both be fine and bake your heart out for easter! Have a great weekend! And of course, GO GREEN!! GO WHITE!! ---Amanda

    1. Hahaha the most important part of this comment: GO GREEN! GO WHITE!!

  2. Wait until you have been told that they think you have too much protein in your urine and you have to save up approx 25 gallons of pee that you have to keep in the refrigerator next to the food that you eat. Then you have to take the 25 gallons of pee to the lab and slosh up to the counter with everyone in the lab staring at your huge pee jug. Boy, that was fun. Go Green! Go White!

    1. Yes! The Pee Jug! B/c I had chronic high blood pressure prior to getting pregnant, I had to do the pee jug test to check for protein in my urine the first trimester. And I "get" to do it again at week 30 to see if there are any changes! I'm super, super excited.

  3. I had to do with with my last baby. They did let me drink water, and go to the bathroom. The stabs in both arms I could do without, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world.
    Bring a snack - you will be hungry, weak, anxious and out of it when it is over. You need peanut butter or ice cream or jelly beans or something with protein before you try to do anything requiring much thought. And bring the trashiest magazines, tv shows, etc. to keep you company.
    You'll be fine, the baby is fine, and it will all work out. My test came out fine. and yours will too!!!

    1. Thank you so much for the advice, I'll definitely bring snacks and reading material to keep me occupied! And I'm really glad to hear that you were fine - gives me hope!

  4. Ugh, my sister had to do this. Good luck.

    I mean... You're gonna be just fine!!