So when I was in college, my friends affectionately dubbed me “Captain Oblivion” because I’d often find myself in situations where the most obvious things were happening around me yet I was completely unaware of any of them.
Cute guy hitting on me? Missed it. Car nearly ran me over? Didn’t even know I was in the road. Obviously it’s a blessing and a curse, but mainly it’s just endlessly entertaining for those around me.
|I've been preparing for this|
moment my whole life.
Also, it's possible that
candy canes are my kryptonite.
However, after this weekend I’m pretty sure I will officially become Knighted or Superhero’d or whatever it’s called as the official Captain Oblivion, which I’m guessing comes with some amazing perks? Like the ability to perhaps fly, wear a glitter cape, and maybe get me a movie deal? I’m just assuming here, I’m flexible and open to negotiating the official terms of the agreement.
But I think I’ve gotten ahead of myself, so let me bring you back to where this all began…..
Last Friday, CB took me out to dinner for a belated birthday celebration. I was 100% on board with the one week delay since we did some pretty awesome celebrating on the day of my actual birth and everyone who knows me is aware of how much I like to stretch out the festivities as long a possible.
So I basically let the excitement build all week as we got closer and closer to the moment where I could finally partake in some pomegranate margaritas, the best guacamole you’ve ever tasted, and date night with the Smitten Kitten himself.
And let’s get real: if the entire night hinged on those three things, it would’ve been an outstanding success. Making my night when it comes to an evening out is a pretty low bar to clear. I mean, it’s not Shop Rite, but it’ll do.
However, we’d already decided that after dinner we’d grab a drink in the city before heading home, and so we walked about 15 minutes to some bar CB insisted we had to check out.
Me: But I’m cold and I have to go to the bathroom. Can’t we just stop at any of these other bars we’re passing?
CB: No, it’s not that much further.
Me: Or we could pop into one of these places for a drink, I could go to the bathroom, and then we could go to this other bar?
CB: No, just keep walking, it’s not that much further.
Also, sometimes CB likes to pretend he’s the boss of me.
But since I was still glowing (and walking slightly slower) from our rich, delicious meal and feeling all kinds of lucky that I got to celebrate my birthday twice, I didn’t fight it too much. Plus, he kept reminding me that the bar had a New Orleans theme, which meant Hurricanes, which meant CB would be carrying me back to New Jersey by 10:30 pm.
I was sold.
|"Hands off, bitc...Kate,|
is that you?"
So we finally got to the bar and I was endlessly pleased to get carded. It’s the little things in life as you make your way through your 30s, and so when the doors opened I was focused on two things: Looking young enough to get carded and finding the bathroom.
It’s the ying and yang of being 35.
It’s the ying and yang of being 35.
Anyway, as I made my way through the dark crowds, I felt someone grab my arm, looked up, and I swear to God this person was the spitting image of my friend Kate. But before I could get mad that a stranger was touching me, “Stranger Kate” became my actual friend Kate and I’m pretty sure I stared at her and muttered “What the…..” as I began to make my way through the sea of faces that all belonged to me!
Cut to: a lot of hugging, a lot of laughing, and a lot of me burying my face into CB’s chest so nobody would see me crying! I mean, this wasn’t like one of those cute cries you see people do in chick flicks where a drop glistens onto their cheek and sits there for the perfect amount of time while the camera focuses in on their flawless skin and perfectly applied eye makeup.
This was the Ugly Cry.
But I couldn’t help it. When it finally occurred to me that my and CB’s friends were all there for me and not just some random alternate universe where all of these people hang out without me at a random bar in the East Village, it was overwhelming in the best way possible.
Also, CB totally wins the Boyfriend of the Year award. Obviously. Sorry guys, you’ll have to re-apply next year.To be fair, though, he clearly had a leg up with the judges because he’s dating a Superhero and we have all kinds of mad pull when it comes to that stuff.
Anyway, the rest of the night was an amazing combination of laughing, drinking, dancing, and constantly pinching myself to make sure this was all real*.
Also, that’s how I check to see if maybe I’ve had too much to drink, but whatever.
Additionally, I think we may have found the only bar in New York that may as well have been reserved directly for us since we were the only people in it until 1 am when we left. We had our very own DJ, a bartender, a popcorn machine, and a pool table. It was like your parent's basement in high school but with infinitely better hair. It was eerie but awesome and we decided not to question it too much.
However, there may have been some sort of dungeon downstairs where they take all of the patrons after hours and make them do all kinds of depraved deeds, but as far as I could tell they just made popcorn by the boatloads and played killer music with tasty beverages.
Also, when I say “killer music" I mean that I went up to the DJ and said “Will you play Beyonce, Jay-Z, Eminem and J-Lo?” and he literally laughed in my face. And then played every last one of ‘em.
BOOM. And that’s how you roll when you’re a Superhero.
(*Confidential to the following: Beth, Kate, Drew, Natalie, Becky, James, Caitlin, Cousin Nikki, Jen Wig, Trip, Brandi and CB – YEAR. MADE.)