Wednesday, December 5, 2012

And then there's the time I took Snoop Dogg's advice and almost got shived on New Jersey Transit.


I sometimes mistake myself for someone who’s gangsta. Like when I’ve had too much to drink and I start singing and dancing along to a Jay-Z song like every other white girl in America? Totally gangsta. I mean, I make the gangsta face and everything just so that people will know how hood I am. Or like when random, vaguely trendy phrases come out of my mouth like “true ‘dat” or “for shizzle?” Totally gangsta.

No that’s not gangsta at all? You are correct. But in my defense, I only say those ironically. Except for the time I actually said “true dat” to Courtney in college because I thought it was cool and she still randomly texts that to me to this day and is like “Hey, remember when you aren’t cool?”

And so there’s that.

Practicing for my
thug life at an
early age. 
But then there are other moments in my life where the hood rat in me comes out full force, but instead of being all gangsta and threatening, it just comes across vaguely frustrated, repressed, and slightly school marm-y. 

Example: This commuting thing since the hurricane has really sort of sucked. But in the first few weeks post-Sandy, we all came together as a community, were accommodating and patient, and overall just behaved like civilized adults.

And then we got over it.

As weeks three, four, and five hit, people started cursing and pushing again and all was right with the world. Except instead of dealing with the hundreds of people per day you deal with during a normal commute, you’ve tripled the amount of people all using the same form of public transit and so it gets a bit dicey.

Which basically is to say that now all hell is breaking loose in very low level, passive aggressive ways that really grate on your nerves day after day. Like, someone throws an elbow to get ahead, you throw one back (subtly and very ladylike, of course). Tit for tat.

But where I draw the line is with the very clear, unspoken rules of humanity that say when you see a line of people waiting for a train that should only fit 100 people per car yet allows 256 people to get on, you wait your turn. It’s the law of the land. It’s how we operate and function without getting into fistfights on a daily basis. So when you cross that line, all bets are off.

Case in point: yesterday I was waiting on the platform with about 654 other people, conservatively, and we were all standing in self-imposed lines that indicated we’ve done this before and know how to properly push our way onto a crowded train in an organized fashion. And as the train approached, some woman around my age decided that the rules didn’t apply to her and that she shouldn’t have to wait in the 15 minute line behind us of people who got there before her.

So when the doors opened, she preceded to shove her way to the front of the line to get on the train.

Uh, homie don’t play that. Also, are the kids still saying that? No they’re not and never did? My mistake, let’s move on.

Me: Hey! Excuse me, you need to get to the back of the line.
Rude Lady rolls her eyes at me.
Me: No, excuse me, but do you see all of these people?
Motioning to the defeated people standing behind me.
Me: Yeah, they’ve been waiting for 15 minutes. You need to wait your turn.
Rude Lady: Whatever, bitch.

And then she went to get on the train and I went outside of my mind.

Me: Excuse me? What planet are you from where you think you don’t have to wait?
Rude Lady: What are you, the train police?
Me: No! I’m someone who’s been waiting here with all of these other people while two trains passed us by.

“Ding dong – stand clear of the closing doors”

She gets on the train. I get on next to her and all of the blood has rushed to my head because I don’t know how to process emotions properly.

Rude Lady: Too late now.
Me: You’re a terrible person.
Rude Lady: I’ll just have to live with that.
Me, ignoring her because now I don’t know what to say since that was the most I’d ever been confrontational with a stranger.
Rude Lady: Oh, you’ve got nothing to say now?
Me: Seriously? Who are you? You’re the reason people hate New Yorkers.
Rude Lady: I’m from New Jersey.
Me: That’s too bad.
Rude Lady: Why is that?
Me: Because I know a lot of people from New Jersey who are great, but you’re the reason everyone thinks New Jersey is just like the Jersey Shore.

Also, let’s keep in mind here that EVERYONE on the train is having to suffer through this mildly annoying confrontation between two crazy, stressed out 30-something’s. Also, I may or may not have been wearing my glitter shoes.

Rude Lady: You need to relax.
Me: You need manners.
Rude Lady: I’m fine.
Me: I’m just saying what everyone else on this train is thinking.
Rude Lady looks up at the guy squished up next to her who patiently waited in line: Is that true?
Squished Guy: Kind of, yeah. You should’ve waited your turn.
Rude Lady: You’re all f*cked.
Me: Nice. There are kids on this train.
Rude Lady: Go f yourself.
Me, turning around to face the other way while she mumbled vaguely threatening things about what she was going to do to me when I got off the train. And then I started to panic-sweat that I was going to get shived.

The good news? I totally didn’t get shived! The bad news? She walked behind me way too closely for, like, 30 seconds before I took a fake phone call from my mom.

You know, because talking to your mom on the phone for pretend is obviously the thug life thing to do. For shizzle.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! 

33 comments:

  1. Fight the power!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Its too bad you didn't get a photo of her to post so everyone knows they can cut in line in front of her whenever they want because apparently she is exempt from polite society. Is there a People Shaming version of Dog Shaming? That "ho" is lucky she didn't get "clocked" by your "gangsta" style.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good for you for saying something (and for not being shived). I'm always the one who just glares and sighs loudly instead of saying something. I'm all about the passive-agressive. Unless I'm in the car, then I will totally call people all sorts of names because they can't hear me. True 'dat. Yeah, it doesn't sound cool when I say it either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm usually just like you, too! I don't know what came over me - probably a combination of exhaustion and frustration mixed in with a little east coast finally rubbing off on me after more than a decade.

      Delete
  4. I'm also one of those people that generally doesn't say anything, but that's usually because I'm focused solely on holding myself back from pushing people like her in front of the oncoming train. Good job not getting shived OR going to jail :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks! I thought it was quite an accomplishment, too. :-)

      Delete
  5. You are my hero!! I am always confronting people who try to act like the rules of humanity don't apply to them, and Brian is constantly telling me I am going to get myself shot or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha CB read the post last night and said "You need to be careful. You're not actually a gangster." And he's kind of right, but I get it in my head that I need to stand up for the greater good! It might end up getting me shived, but so far, so good!

      Delete
    2. My guy tells me I need to stop, because when I do it in his presence, it immediately involves him, and one day someone's going to shiv him, since they can't hit girls (I'm most mouthy with men). Poor guy. He must live in fear every time we leave the house.

      (Not that I'm naturally confrontational. It's just that once I get a drink or two into me, I get self-righteous and sassy. I call that persona "Sassy Patti" and I get "Oh no you di'n't!"

      I'm sorry - I'm commenting a lot. Just happen to adore this post!

      Delete
    3. Don't apologize, I adore your comments!!!!

      Delete
  6. The only way to deal with people like that is to out crazy them. Best work on your eye twitch!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha good thinking!!! I'll have to practice. ;-)

      Delete
    2. Barking is also useful at times like these.

      Delete
  7. I would love to compare Chicago's "subway" to New York's - it sounds disturbingly similar. And good for you for saying something - I'm fine with tourists breaking the rules because they don't know better - but anyone who's had to wait for the train/bus knows better - you don't cut in line. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly!! Especially right now when we're all so stressed out and over-tired from the extra commuting because of the storm. No bueno!

      Delete
  8. I think she knew better than to mess with someone wearing glitter shoes! Do you think anyone messed with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? No! Why? THE SHOES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my God, excellent point!!!!! You're totally right.

      Delete
    2. Dude, that is so totally the answer. If I saw some crazy chick yelling on a train I'd be all "Wow. that is one crazy chick." However, when I see some crazy chick yelling at some lady whilst wearing glitter shoes? That's when I'm all "Holy shitballs, that crazy chick is my hero. She can do no wrong. And f that lady she's yelling at. I don't even care what she did."

      In short, you're my hero.

      Delete
    3. Hahaha excellent! I've always wanted to be someone's hero!!! Who knew glitter shoes would get me so far?!

      Delete
  9. Wow. I be totally gangsta, too. In muh mind. All da time.

    Dat story be whacked! I be impressed wit yo desahe ta speak yo mind and for 'fronttin' that shiznat! Bitch be steppin'! If it weren't fo yo kind, dat'd result in anarchizzle. Y'as a true hero. No jokes, dawg.

    Loving the glitter shoes. Makes you like a fairy of awesome, sprinkling manners around New York.

    - aww yea. Werd.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahahaha I just laughed out loud! That, my friend, is awesome.

      Delete
  10. This was great! I usually hold it in because I'm convinced crazy people are all carrying concealed weapons. I've undoubtedly missed out on some wonderful opportunities to seize the moment! You rock... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, CB was like 'Um, please don't do that often. People will for real cut you."

      Delete
  11. I love the guy who agreed! Solidarity!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Crying with laughter!! I mean serious, actual tears streaming down my face! This is just so DAMN awesome! Fo' reals! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I *adore* this post. I would have just murdered her with my eyes. Which, alas, isn't very effective. I would have gotten the nervous sweats the second the thought of even saying something mildly confrontational to her. I am unbelievably impressed you managed to keep up the confrontation for so long - my mind conveniently empties out at times like that. Kudos!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you!!!! Mine usually does, too, which is why it was sort of a miracle that I held it together that long!

      Delete
  14. If this isn't the funniest post I've read all morning, then I don't know what is!!! You could've gotten beat up listening to "gangsta rap" and attempting to imitate what you've heard. Goodness...lol. Visiting from SITS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!! And thanks for visiting from SITS, that's great!!!

      Delete