I'm a sleep magician.

Let’s get real: if we’ve been paying attention over the last few years, we can pretty much all come to an agreement that CB is vying for some sort of Sainthood medal or really believes that martyrdom is his ticket into the pearly gates or something. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a total catch – but I’m also kind of a handful sometimes if you don’t quite know what to make of me.

Luckily for all involved parties, CB totally gets it. And had lots of practice years before our courtship to figure it all out so that he could come to the obvious conclusion: “I want me some more of that.” So, when he sometimes rolls his eyes and/or grumbles under his breath as I make a simple request like “Scoot over to the corner of the couch so I can lay on your lap,”  I do not feel all that bad – I mean, he had to see this one coming.

However, I must admit that, day-to-day, I find a number of reasons to be thankful that CB signed on up – from waking up to find that he’s already fed the cat so I can sleep an extra five minutes, to a Beyonce-themed, home-cooked dinner that I was surprised with last week.

You've gotta admit, the kid is good. 

But whatever, he doesn’t have it too badly, either, so let’s just slow our roll. I cook, I clean, I leave him sticky notes with love-y notes and smiley faces on the mirror for him to wake up to, and I haven’t broken up with him even though his giant boots are in front of the door every single day just waiting for me to trip over and break my neck. And I never, ever bring that up to him because I pick and choose my battles like any good partner does.  

Um, but then this morning he totally won. (and yes, of course marriage and partnership is a contest. No duh.)

And how, you ask, did he win?

Because the other day I was laughing about how every single morning I wake up to find that I’ve somehow removed the pillow case from the pillow I put between my knees while I sleep. I mean, if I tried to do this with just my legs during my waking hours, I’d totally fail. However, when I fall asleep, I apparently become a magician with powers greater than any of us can comprehend. I wouldn’t be surprised if a rabbit emerged from that pillowcase while we’re all sleeping.

I’m just saying.

But then CB dropped a bomb on me that blew my mind:

CB: “You also do that scratching thing in your sleep. You’re a very active sleeper.”
Me: “Wait, what scratching thing?”
CB: “A few times a week, at least, you’ll go to roll over and just start scratching your arms for a minute or two and then stop.”
Me: “Wait, WHAT? I scratch myself in my sleep?”
CB, laughing: “Yep, all the time.”
Me: “That can’t be true.”
CB: “It’s true! The first few times you did it, I thought you were awake. But then I’d talk to you and you were totally out and I finally realized that it’s just one of your sleeping rituals.”
Me: “I don’t know how that’s possible.”
CB: “I swear! Next time you do it, I’ll videotape you.”

Cut to:

This morning. I woke up, checked my phone, and saw that I had a text message from CB that was sent to me last night at 10:38pm. I’d been asleep for an hour.

Oh my God, you guys!

Me: “This is the most insane thing I’ve ever seen!”
CB: “I told you.”
Me: “I’m like one of those people who sleep-eats. But I sleep-scratch!”
CB: “Yep. All the time.”
Me: “Oh my God. I don’t know how you go to sleep with me every night. Between the sleep scratching and that eye mask, what on earth are you thinking?”
CB, laughing: “You’re a keeper.”

No, CB, you’re a keeper. You win.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!