Basically, the whole world of people can be summed up into about five groups. More or less. I mean, it’s not a scientific study or anything, but it’s something I observed while commuting to work this morning, and so I’d feel pretty confident in spreading this theory around with little to no additional research needed. To be fair, I’m talking about five groups in mild-to-moderately stressful and/or annoying situations. Which, if we’re being fair, is when you see our true colors anyway.
You see, this morning I got down to the subway station to find a crowd of about 50-60 people crammed into the vestibule, blocked by a police officer who wasn’t allowing anyone through the turnstiles. Turns out there was a problem with some other trains and so everyone was getting diverted through this station and there were too many people on the platform for all of us to fit. So, they were holding us off until they cleared that all up. Fine. No problem. It’s Monday morning, after all, what’s the rush?
And while this only took about 10-15 additional minutes of our time, it became pretty clear that the natives would be getting restless after about 17 seconds of any type of holdup. So I decided to become a sociological observer and jot this all down into my phone while passing the time judging others from my high horse in the sky. Obviously.
Let’s take a look, shall we?
The guy who goes ahead anyway. This guy can be found in pretty much any group of people. And you’ll know him because he’ll spend a good deal of time pushing past the enormous group all stopped for a reason he has yet to become privy to and/or has zero interest in hearing. He’s got places to go and people to see, and so when he gets to the front he is STUNNED to find that he, too, is disallowed from entering the station. Without fail, this guy will legitimately be surprised that the swarms of people he pushed through to get to this point did not all have a collective stroke and were, instead, actually not moving ahead for a reason.
This is my least favorite guy. Mainly because I’ve been him before and you’re basically the worst.
The person who yells for information every few minutes. This person can be both helpful and a hindrance to the group all at once. You see, this person starts off being incredibly helpful.
“Can you tell us what’s going on?”
I mean, this is a valid question that likely got answered 30 seconds before we got down there. However, if nobody has decided that an explanatory loop on a loud speaker is required, this poor Port Authority police officer will need to reiterate this information approximately every 45-92 seconds. Sorry, guy.
However, once this person gets us all some valuable information, the rest of us sink into the knowledge that we’ll be standing here until we don’t anymore. I mean, this isn’t “Braveheart,” we’re not likely to charge the turnstiles and declare our freedom from the tyranny of the Port Authority Police Department.
Except this guy. This guy is like (insert exasperation here) “How much longer?” to no avail because everyone from parents driving a car to this poor policeman in the PATH station is like “oh my God I’m turning this car around if you ask me that one more time.”
And sometimes - depending on a variety of factors that include how much sleep they’ve gotten, how cold/hot it is, and whether they’re fighting with their girlfriend or boss – this person will become the next guy on this list after just a few short minutes.
The guy who randomly yells in exasperation. This guy is tied for my favorite. Basically because I’d never have the upbringing or the balls to just randomly yell at and around strangers about my displeasure over a situation. I’m guessing that this person is that kid in the grocery store whose parents gave him cookies right out of the shopping cart just to shut him up, so he learned early and often that being a dick would get him far in life.
However, I must admit that I’m mildly humored by the fact that they will just start yelling random things into the ether about any feeling they may be experiencing.
“It’s f’ing cold, man, let us in.”
“This is bullsh*t man, BULLsh*t.” (indeed)
“Is this for real?” (seems like a question that doesn’t expect an answer, right?)
“I have to get to work, dude, HOW much longer?”
Also, sometimes they are speaking your truth – albeit with a few thrown in expletives here and there – and so you secretly are like “I’m really glad your parents failed at the manners aspect of your upbringing because this is a glorious and slightly uncomfortable moment for us all now.”
Which leads me to the most annoying person to enter the room….
The guy talking loudly on their phone. First of all, this person bugs me because they have a better phone carrier than I do. My phone never works underground, and so how are you able to call your boss, best friend, AND your mom all while I’m re-listening to old podcasts because my phone stopped updating the new ones the moment I entered the station? Worst.
However, you are also kind of annoying because you’re on your phone and we can all hear you telling them an exaggerated version of what’s going on.
“I’ve been down here for, like, twenty minutes and it looks like there’s no end in sight.” (boss)
“I don’t know, I was running late and so this actually kind of comes in handy so I have an excuse to tell my boss.” (best friend)
“I know, I’m worried I’m going to get sick again, too. It’s so cold down here!” (mom)
And now, the tie for my favorite….
The guy who is loving life while singing along to his music. Now while it might seem like this guy would be up there with the most annoying person in the world, he is actually the best. And this is because you simply cannot hate on someone who is either so oblivious or so content in their current place in life that they will quietly-to-audibly rap and/or sing and/or stomp their feet along to whatever amazing jam they’ve got working in their headset. This guys is loving his life.
Granted, you may be trying to figure out why he or she lacks such social norms or properly balanced medication, but let’s face it – you’re also trying to figure out if he’s listening to Beyonce’s new album just by the rhythm of his foot tapping and head nodding.
You, my happy, musical friend, are Zen-like and amazing and I hope you never stop singing. Unless I have to sit next to you on a 7 minute train ride and you become nearly impossible to ignore OR I can hear your terrible music through your cheaply made headphones and it becomes distracting to me while I try to find my own Zen-like state during my morning commute.
But mainly you’re just the best.
Happy Monday, everyone!