Thursday, July 10, 2014

Well played, karma. Well played.

I know, all people who stalk me online, I did not post yesterday. Know why? Because I can’t read a calendar. And also I forgot.


Now I'm starting to re-think all fashion
ensembles. Though I'm pretty sure
matching plaid and awesome bangs never
go out of style. 
So do you guys remember that time that I accidentally offered my seat on the subway to a non-pregnant pregnant-looking person and then I got all sweaty and awkward and pointed at her non-pregnant stomach in a panic explanation as to why I was standing and forcing her to sit? Yeah, that was a low point.

But not as low as being that woman, which I was yesterday and I was all flattered before being confused and then a little bit offended. All in six minutes. Because I’m amazing and also, perhaps, emotionally unstable. And not pregnant.

Also, I hate when I think I’ve made a good fashion choice and then it turns on me and goes rogue and makes me look pregnant from certain angles. (Yes, it’s the dress. No, it’s not the fudge I ate the other night.) 

So I get on the subway last night, and it’s pretty crowded, no seats left. Not, like, shoulder-to-shoulder crowded, but I did the quick scan, saw that there weren’t any seats, and shimmied on over to a place firmly in the middle of the train.

Which is when a polite, tattooed gentleman with a leather bracelet looked up at me, stood up immediately as the train was moving, and motioned for me to sit. I said “Oh no, that’s fine, I can stand.” And he insisted and said “No, please, you sit.”

And then he kind of looked at me as I sat down, likely assessing (hopefully?) that I wasn’t, in fact, pregnant and it’s just that weird stitching near my abdomen that sort of poofs out in a stylish-yet-confusing way! I’m so sorry, Tattooed Bracelet Guy, I probably would've thought I was pregnant, too.

So then I just sat there with my purse covering my stomach because I got self-conscious and also was trying to half-act like maybe I was in early onset pregnancy (is that a thing?) and that’s what pregnant people maybe do? I was panicking!

But then I admitted to myself that I was grateful for the seat because, much against my father’s wishes, I was wearing flats without much arch support and it was quite lovely to give the dogs a break.

So when I got home, I immediately informed CB.

Me: “So I think maybe I shouldn’t wear this dress anymore?
CB: “Why? You look nice.”
Me: “Thanks. But I think a guy mistook me for a pregnant person today on the train. He offered me his seat and sort of insisted, even after I told him I was fine.”
CB: “Maybe he was just being a gentleman?”
Me: “No, that never happens.”
CB: “I do it."
Me: “You’re different. Plus, this dress does kind of poof out a little bit.”
CB: “You’re crazy. Why would you assume he thought you were pregnant and wasn’t just being polite because you were a woman?”
Me: “Because there were women around me standing that he didn’t offer his seat to. And I had plenty of time to check them out while I was sitting and at least two of them were attractive. So if he was just being polite, he’d offer it to them.”
CB: “You’ve given this a lot of thought.”
Me: “I had all of this time on my hands just sitting on the train.”


Me: “So you think he thought I was pregnant, right?”
CB: “I’m not going to say anything because there’s no possible way for me to win here.”
Me: “Spoken like a true gentleman.”

Happy Thursday, everyone! 


  1. Ha CB has figured out already the secret to a good marriage is just figuring out when not to speak!

  2. Ugh, I hate pregnancy-inducing-looking clothes. There have been a few times this summer where I've walked past a mirror and gone "I could EASILY be four months pregnant, that's how fat I look in this."

    What if you belt the dress? Or is it too poof-inducing?

    1. It's not really the kind of dress I can belt, unfortunately. So I guess I'll just have to play it to the max and, like, hold my stomach when I wear it and I'm on the train so I can get a seat every time. Go big or go home, right?

  3. John needs to take some tips from CB. The other day he told me that I looked a little "big around the middle area". Not helpful...

    1. Hahahahahaha! I think John and CB would get along quite well...