Wednesday, February 4, 2015

It's Weird, you guys.

So I haven’t done a lot of blogging about this whole baby thing, and that's been intentional. Mainly because you guys didn’t start coming here to read all about BABIES, because I know from experience that, if babies aren’t actually in your body’s wheelhouse at this very moment…who cares?

But then I started hearing from some of you that you’re either pregnant, a new mom, or hoping to be soon – and I realized that I needed to stop censoring myself and just write. Because this here blog isn’t just about my underpants; it’s about my life. Which, as we all know, usually includes my underpants, though now they’re slightly bigger.  And right now, frankly, my life has been taken over by a sassy, onion-sized person that is only 5 inches long and world’s stronger than my soul.

Because…well, baby.

And boy is it weird, you guys. I mean, beautiful, sure. I guess. But only in the abstract? (mother of the year).

Don’t get me wrong:  I'm beyond excited to be pregnant and become a mom - more than I could explain. And I am truly amazed each time I think of the fact that I’m, like, building a person right now. While also typing? And talking to people normally? And by just, you know, being me everyday? That’s INSANE. It’s NUTS. It’s actually a bit overwhelming, which is probably why I have 9 months (it’s 10 months, you liars) to let it sink in. But I’m guessing just as it does, a person comes out of me and I’m like ‘I’VE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN’ and then it’s a whole new set of things to get used to.

Which I’m thinking is pregnancy preparing me for parenthood. Just basic preparation for never understanding again what the f is going on ever, for forever.

However, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant, which is beautiful and terrifying and exciting, one billion questions come at you that DEMAND ANSWERS NOW OH MY GOD. And it's a little overwhelming. 

What are you eating?
What are you drinking?
Don’t eat that.
Don’t drink that.

How are you sleeping?
When do you exercise?
You need to do it more (and you’ll want to).
You need to do it more (and will not want to).

Are you taking vitamins?
Have you made your first doctor’s appointment?
Are you getting your nails done?
Don’t get your nails done!
Do you color your hair?
Don't color your hair! 
Are you eating deli meat?
Did you know you should have a doula?
Did you know that it hurts so much?
Are you over the moon?
How do you feel?
Why do you hate eggs all of a sudden?
Why are you crying because you can’t find your slippers?
Is your stomach growing?
Why is it so big so early?
Why isn’t it bigger yet?
What size fruit is your baby this week?
Is your hair shinier?
Do you have names picked out?
Do you know the gender?
Why aren’t you finding out the gender?
Do you realize ALL of your stuff from NOW ON will only be green, yellow, and orange? DO YOU?
Have you registered?
Where are you registering?
When’s your shower?
Why is it so late?
Isn’t that too early?
How’s your husband feeling?
Are you being nice to him?
Did you know he’s experiencing changes too?
Are you sleepy?
Are you pukey?
Are you getting genetic testing done?
Why?
Why not?
Did you know that your vagina will never be the same?
Did you know that if you have a C-section it’ll take even longer to recover?
Do you know what you’re bringing to the hospital?
Do you know why you’re crying while I’m talking to you about paint colors?
Do you know that you’ll never sleep again?
Do you know it’s the best hardest job you’ll ever have?
Do you have a 529 set up?
Do you know how much childcare costs??
Did you know that you should sleep now because you will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN?
Will you go back to work?
Do you want to go back to work?
Do you know what day it is?
Can you find where you last left your purse?
Do you know why you’re crying over running out of shampoo?

Well…DO YOU?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s weirdly incredible. But it’s still WEIRD, you guys. It’s weird to have a person inside your person. It’s weird to be touched by a lot of strangers, only some of whom are doctors or nurses. It’s weird to talk about your vagina with other women who have also had people come out of there. It’s weird to feel your hips and legs and body grow in ways you’ve never felt before. It’s weird to feel completely maternal and completely un-feminine, all at the same time. It’s weird to know that you’re being insane and just not being able to stop. It’s weird to want to be recognized for all you’re going through while also being seen as attractive by your partner. It’s weird to puke every day and consider it "normal." It’s weird to hate food you’ve loved for decades and crave stuff you’ve never had. It’s weird to feel completely excited and ready, and completely ill-prepared and terrified.

IT’S WEIRD, you guys.

Which is why I haven’t written about it until now. Because honestly, every time I went to write something, I wasn’t quite sure what I was trying to say. I mean, if you say it’s weird or you’re scared, people might look at you and be like “the state should definitely take her baby away.” And if you walk around in a blissful, joyful haze, feeling nothing but complete connection to the growing child inside of you, you’re lying. (sorry)

Which isn’t to say that I’m not feeling connected. I’ve actually never felt so connected to someone I’ve never met (except Ryan Gosling) and SO protective of someone I've yet to lay eyes on.

And I guess that’s what being a mom is, at the end of the day. If I’m learning anything, that is. Which I’m probably not. Because of baby brain. Did you know about baby brain? Yeah, me either.

So what I'm saying is, it’s weird, you guys. And it’s wonderful. And sometimes it’s those things all at the same time.

13 comments:

  1. The state should definitely take her baby away. Ha ha ha! Pregnancy to me sounds super scary. Terrifying.I'm sure everything that you just expressed here is totally normal. And I love that you make it funny at the same time. I hope you stop puking though. Man that has to be awful. Hopefully it goes away soon! Enjoy the coming months, and I bet the next time around all of these questions and new feelings will be out the window! I consider anyone who ever has a baby a champ! Cause I never will. So here's to you lady! ----Amanda

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    1. Thank you! Yeah, I think people sometimes gloss over or make it sound even WORSE than it needs to be - or maybe not. Depends on my mood ;-) But thankfully the puking stopped about two weeks ago (yay!), so that's one huge hurdle I'm hopefully past!
      Well, I appreciate it - it's definitely different, though not having children doesn't make you not a champ. It's life - we're all champs! :-)

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  2. Oh my friggen god, Becky - you've NAILED it.

    When people talk to me about my pregnancy (which is pretty much all anyone talks to me about, since there doesn't seem to be anything which is interesting about me in the slightest aside from there being a baby inside me), I feel like I'm repeating, over and over again: "It's so weird!" or "It's crazy!"

    Of course we are excited, and of course I love this baby - seriously - we have a person inside us who we haven't met yet, who we will love more than anyone or anything in the entire world - that's a crazy thought. But it's friggen weird, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, I cry more often than ever before, I obsess over my weight, and I get mad when people give me any words of wisdom when I haven't asked for them (and I'm sure you know - there are many words of wisdom).

    I have this alter ego named "Sassy Patti" who comes out (only, I'd thought) when I'm drinking. Well! It turns out she also exists when I'm pregnant. All the time. So I get all "oh no you di-ent" and finger snappy when my mother in law berates me for not updating my registry to include an ear thermometer in the three days since she last spoke to me.

    This is going to be a test in patience, my friend. Both for us, and for those in our lives.

    YAYAYAYAYA but also.. this is fucking weird.

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    1. I'm so glad I wrote about this, because just reading your comment made me both laugh out loud in solidarity, and nod my head in furious agreement over everything. YES. I like Sassy Patti! See, I keep blaming the baby (one the perks!) and calling him/her sassy, but maybe it's secretly me. :-) I really try to be understanding with the unsolicited advice, because 99% it comes from a great place. But there are days when I just don't care where it comes from, I want it to stop. :-)
      We're a good time.
      SO glad I wrote this - thank you for understanding, and yes, we're in this together!

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  3. I know the feeling. I have 3 weeks left to go and abandonded my blog for the time being because all I have going on in my life are doctor appointments and this weird wonderful alien inside me that is so hard to explain. And then I just had lamaze classes where other women are talking about how weird it is for them, too. Pregnancy is a weird, scary, completely awrsome thing!

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    1. Congratulations!!! And thank you, it feels good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings! Can't wait to hear about your new baby in a few weeks!!!

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  4. Yes! I am so glad to hear your thoughts on this. I've wanted you to write about pregnancy because you'll be REAL about it. This was so fun to read; it's exactly how I imagine it to be. We've just started trying and I'm super excited about it all, but simultaneously so nervous and weirded out by the whole thing, too. It's just WEIRD. Thanks for un-censoring yourself. Please keep un-censoring so I can live vicariously through you and try and "prepare" to be pregnant. :)

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    1. Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it and that you're living vicariously......and I'm sorry? :-) Good luck on the baby-making! The worst advice I got was "relax, don't worry about it" - um, guess what. Telling me to relax has rarely helped me to relax. So, I'll just say have fun and can't wait to hear your stories!

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  5. Becky, I'm going to share this with every pregnant woman I know from now until I die. Brilliant.

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    1. Oh thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

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  6. This was awesome! You just summed up the earlier parts of pregnancy perfectly. I've got some good AND bad news for you though -- you're definitely not alone in your thoughts and feelings (that's the good news), but it doesn't stop. None of it. The baby brain, the questions, the unsolicited "advice," the strange thoughts, all of the feels that come out of nowhere and kick you in the tear ducts, the food aversions and cravings, feeling SUPER stabby because somebody two aisles over in the grocery store sneezed or because a stranger decides it's perfectly okay to rub your belly like you're one of those troll dolls that grant wishes for Satan...

    It's all normal, and will happen each and every time you grow a human. I've got three of those amazingly wonderful fund-sucking crotchfruit, and it never ceased to amaze me that my body had not become immune to the crazy that comes with being pregnant.

    Being a new mom isn't that hard though. It's almost magical how things just come to you once you have that little person in your arms. It can be overwhelming sometimes, but it's also the best thing you'll ever do with your time. Especially once the minion starts smiling. It really is the best. Just don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Even if it's just so you can shower and/or sleep.

    You've got this, lady!

    Oh, and I'd be a total bunghole if I didn't warn you that at some point you'll feel like a walrus that swallowed two fully grown elephants whole. Just when you think that you can't possibly get bigger, your belly will grow and you'll want to be done. That's normal too, and didn't last forever. (Told you the unsolicited stuff doesn't stop!)

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    1. Hahaha I'm very much looking forward to the Walrus stage! I wonder if Baby Center will refer to it that way, too? :-) Thank you! Thank you for making me feel normal (and for warning me....)

      I love my blog readers. Best.

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  7. I never realized how this whole circle of life and having a baby grow inside of you was so weird until I went through it. It IS weird! And then the baby is born and you're like "You were just inside of me, and now you're here!" and then it's really weird. And awesome. So you're totally normal for having these thoughts, and the more people write about the weirdness of it all the less people will be to admit these feelings. :-)

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