Conversations from Cohabitation

The other night, CB and I were driving home from a party about an hour away. One of us went to the bathroom before leaving.

CB: “I’m dying. Can you please hurry.”
Me, laughing: “I don’t understand why you didn’t go before we left.”
CB: “I didn’t have to go before we left.”

Me, driving, hitting a bump. CB, being dramatic.

Me: “I realize this makes me a terrible human being and wife, but I’m getting pleasure out of your pain. You’re really dramatic about this.”
CB: “I’m not dramatic, I’m in physical pain! I think I’m doing actual damage!”

Finally, we arrived home, he sprinted into the bathroom, and then we had this conversation.

Me: “You’re very dramatic when you have to go to the bathroom.”
CB: “Yes, I’m the dramatic one in this relationship.”

Silence.

CB: “That was really rough, I was this close to peeing in one of the cups from our iced coffees earlier.”
Me: “I don’t know why you didn’t.”
CB: “I didn’t want you to watch me pee.”
Me: “Why would I watch you pee, I was driving! And I still don’t understand why you didn’t just pre-go before we left the restaurant.”
CB: “Because I didn’t have to go then and I almost never have to go. The last time I went to the bathroom was this morning.”
Me, staring at him: “Wait. You only peed twice today?!”
CB, laughing: “Yeah. I usually only go once in the morning and once at night.”
Me: “That’s unhealthy, something’s wrong with your kidneys. I go, like, every hour or hour and a half.”
CB: “Yeah but you’re constantly drinking water.”
Me: “Correct. I’m properly hydrated.”
CB: “I just don’t need the hydration you do.”
Me: “That’s not normal.”

Silence.

Me: “If we were in a desert, I’d for sure be the first to die from dehydration, and at least part of it would be your fault.”
CB: “How would that be my fault?”
Me: “Because I couldn’t even drink your pee to stay alive.”
CB: “That’s gross.”
Me: “It’s true. It’s sterile.”
CB: “That doesn’t make it less gross.”