Monday, January 7, 2013

If Downton Abbey included physical challenges and a hot gay trainer, I'd make the switch for sure.

There seems to be a great divide going on in this country at the moment and I must say that it’s making me really uncomfortable. In these troubling times I think it’s more important than ever that we are united over a common interest.

And that common interest is that we can finally, yet again, watch a group of people on the "Biggest Loser" come together with the goal of weight loss in a really inspirational and powerful way that makes you proud to be an American.

No, just kidding, it doesn’t do any of those things. At least not in the first few weeks when you watch grown men cry as they fall off a treadmill for the third time in 15 minutes and utter ridiculous phrases such as “I’m on a ‘me’ mission.”

You see, last night, a third of the greater American public was watching football, another third was watching British aristocrats doing devilish things in old timey clothing, and yet a final third were watching obese adults and children workout, faint, puke, and weigh themselves on national television.

It's a fair point, though, that I
totally look like someone who would
enjoy the drama of "Downton Abbey."
Oh, and then there’s the group of people not even included in my math who were, like, reading or spending time with their families crafting and stuff. But my math doesn’t include those people because I already started the above paragraph talking in thirds, and it made my head hurt to try to come up with another fraction.

Also, if you’re one of the first two thirds, you clearly don’t have your priorities in order. And you probably hate America.

You see, for a few years now I got sucked into the powerful weight-loss machine that is “The Biggest Loser.” I sit on my couch for two hours a week to watch my obese countrymen try to lose weight by working out, eating right, and manipulating their way through physical challenges and secret alliances to stay on the show and win money.

Also, I may or may not stock up on snacks like chocolate chip cookies and gummy worms each week so that I can up my risk of diabetes and heart disease while I watch others get into better physical shape and change their lives. And then I text my other friends who watch it so we can decide who we’re rooting for and potentially secure our seats firmly in hell.

For example, here’s an actual text exchange from last night:

Me: I don’t care what team he plays for, I would do bad, un-nameable things to Bob.
Friend: Word.
Me: Um….also to Dolvett.
Friend: Friday, at the gym, some of the women I work out with were like “Bob isn’t gay, is he? He just can’t be!”
Me: They’re hanging onto a dream. Like me and Sam Champion.
Friend: I love Dolvett, but put a real shirt on, dude.
Me: How are we friends? He should have his shirt off at all times.

Also, CB understands these loves of mine and really wishes I'd stop talking about them with him so that he could watch football in peace. 

But something that you should probably know about me is that, while I’m physically active now, I spent years, like, not moving. And those years are basically called “college” and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Because if there was a camera on me back then, some pretty judge-y texts would’ve likely been sent had they been witness to the Great Dune Climb of Summer 1999. And no, I will not be going into it here and you may or may not be able to bribe me into telling you about it at some point in the future.

Anyway, my point is that I feel a kinship to the people on the show and actually do root for most of them. Unless they’re whiny or shady or really creepy, like the lady last night who kept winking at everyone and said “I love you” to a fellow contestant after 24 hours.

She clearly doesn’t have normal social boundaries and so I obviously hope she makes it to the end so that Mary and I can eat our cookie dough and judge someone who’s trying to make their life better.

I mean, isn’t that what being an American is all about?

Anyway, happy Monday, everyone! Also, can someone please explain the allure of "Downton Abbey" to me once and for all? 


  1. I can't help but love TBL. At least it's something positive on TV for once!

  2. I've never really watched the Biggest Loser because I don't have cable and I always forget that it exists. But I may have to start watching it. I did watch that show "I Used to be Fat" on MTV, and that was good times. I like when people puke from working out. Is that strange?

    Instead, I've been marathoning Homeland, since you spoke so highly of it. Holy cow, Clare Danes is still awesome, and, woah, you're right, it's a pretty intense show. So I was one of the missing fraction who was not watching Football or Downton Abbey OR the Biggest Loser, but I'm also not American so this could be the reason.

    1. I'm glad you tried it! I suggest you try "Biggest Loser" next. I mean, if nothing else, it'll give you two hours to sit there and eat junk food.

  3. "...can someone please explain the allure of "Downton Abbey" to me once and for all? "
    Two words: Maggie Smith
    Her zingers are hilarious:
    She could carry the show all by herself.
    Also, the time period is a fascinating point in history, before, during and after World War I when Europe's class system really began to change. It's one of my favorite shows! (OK, that was more than two words, but I started out with good intentions)

    1. Haha I like your dedication. Hmmm....MAYBE I'll give it a shot on Sunday, since Biggest Loser will be on Monday. I've clearly got my priorities in order.

    2. Ha, yeah I may or may not be entirely too excited about Downton Abbey (I must say the name loudly with enthusiasm while punching the air every time, much to my husband’s chagrin). But then I love historical fiction, especially about England. It's best to start from the beginning, since it's on season 3 now. If you're an Amazon Prime member you can watch the first two seasons for free on Amazon. Netflix has the first season too. Enjoy!

  4. I somehow missed this blog. How? It made me laugh for numerous reasons (which is amazing because I'm laid out on the couch sick wondering how I'm going to make it to pick my son up from swim practice in 40 minutes, but I digress) because Courtney was talking about Downton Abbey and TBL it must have been this night on Facebook. I was one of the outsiders, but I was watching Chopped. What can I say? I enjoy watching chefs struggle with impossible ingredients. I WILL watch TBL but I hate the first few weeks when everyone is falling and crying. I also skip the end when they all cry when they vote someone off. I mean get a backbone, it's a contest! AND I used to purposefully eat ice cream while I watched it every week. :) But now I quit sugar, so ice cream is out. (for the record I quit bc someone suggested it might help with my migraines, which is has, the bonus is I've lost 10 pounds doing nothing else. yes!)

    1. Oh! You're friends with Courtney! Love it. Also, I'm kind of loving this whole quitting sugar and losing 10 pounds thing, but only in the abstract b/c I'm pretty sure I could never quit sugar. But congrats!

      Ugh, I'm so sorry you're sick - feel better soon!! I was like that earlier in the week and it's NO fun.