Monday, March 17, 2014

Conversations from Cohabitation

While getting ready for work the other morning:

CB: “You’re looking good this morning.”
Me: “What can I say, I’m a looker.”
CB: “All that working out is paying off!”
Me: “It’s keeping me very fit and youthful, it’s true.”
CB: “Yeah, you look great for 37.”
Silence and a death stare from me.
Me: “I will punch you in the face.”
CB, laughing too hard to speak.
Me: “I hate you so much.”
CB: “Well, it’s not that far off.”
Me: “OH MY GOD. I’m not going to be 37 until the end of the year! Quit aging me! I look good for 36!”
CB, wiping away tears from laughter: “And you look even better for 37!”
Me: “We’re pre-divorcing.”


Me: “I think I pulled a butt muscle today. Is that a thing?”
CB: “Butt muscles? Yeah, your glutes.”
Me: “Well I think I pulled my glute today on the treadmill. It’s making me walk funny.”


Me: “Will you massage it?”
CB: “Your glutes?”
Me: “Yes. I realize it sounds like I’m asking you to rub my butt muscle, but…”
CB: “But you’re asking me to rub your butt muscle.”
Me: “Pretty much, yeah. But don’t get the wrong idea.”
CB: “What idea am I supposed to get?”
Me: “I’m just saying, we still have a few more episodes of ‘House of Cards’ to watch tonight so I’m not trying to pull a fast one on you. I just need a butt massage.”
CB: “Nothing has ever been less enticing than this conversation.”
Me: “Ooooh baby baby. Now come rub my butt.”
CB: “Oh Lord, it’s going to be a long life.”

Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone!!


  1. CB should be excited, many more conversations like that last one and you are essentially granting him immortality.

  2. This afternoon, my youngest daughter sat on her daddy's knee. Within a couple of minutes he told her to get off, because her butt was too bony. "But you let mummy sit on your knee", she complained. His response? "Yes, but your mother has lots of padding on her butt".

    You know what else has lots of padding? The sofa - which is where he will be sleeping tonight.