And then I became the sixth or seventh Kardashian.

So last night was my hair and makeup trial for the wedding, you guys, and apparently I’ve been doing hair and makeup wrong for pretty much, well, my whole life? Or at least from late teens onward. Before then, I think I pretty much nailed it.

Exhibit A. I rest my case.

Anyway, I learned quite a few tips and tricks, some that I’ll share with you all now because I’m altruistic like that.

Here we go:

Blonde people can do things with their hair that brunettes/lesser people cannot.

Ok, so one of the tips the hairdresser sent leading up to the trial was to pick hairstyles matching the same hair color as my own. I was like “huh?” and then took a poll of about 7 people randomly to be like “Do blonde people have different hair than me? Why do they get hair styles that I don’t?” Which really struck people on the street as odd, and so then I asked some friends and co-workers because I’m never a distraction in the office and always the consummate professional.

The consensus was the same: this was dumb and I almost knee-jerk picked a bunch of Carrie Underwood/blonde celebrity photos just to be a rule-breaker. But then, of course, that gave me anxiety and so I literally googled “brunette hair styles” and called it a day.

However, when we got to the trial last night, I had to know - inquiring minds and what have you.  I’m like a regular Hardy Boy (the brunette one).

Me: “So, I have a weird question for you about hair.”
Stylist: “Sure.”
Me: “Why did I have to bring photos of only people with my hair color? Do blonde people have different hair?”
Stylist, laughing: “No, but the style will look different on you than on someone with lighter hair. Typically, styles with braids and twists show up better on people with lighter hair because you can just plain see it better.”
Me: “Oooooooooooh. That makes total sense!”

Light bulb moment. (Oprah)

Don’t talk about “The Golden Girls” to people under 70.

First of all, I need to say that I’m pretty sure the makeup artist wanted to be best friends with us because she spent the hour of makeup application laughing and telling us about astrology. (more later) However, I made a few comments that revealed far too much about who my inside self is to perhaps give her pause on actually showing up on the wedding day.

For example, while talking about makeup application and foundation, as ladies are prone to do in these situations, Beth asked if there’s ever a need to apply makeup below the jaw line so things match more evenly. Katie, the makeup artist with a tool-belt of brushes, was like “No, I just match the jawline to the neckline. Though sometimes older women in their 80s or so will ask me to  apply it down to their chest, which is always a bad idea.”

So, first of all, I’m pretty sure Katie is getting hit on by 80 year olds and doesn’t know it. However secondly, and more importantly, I then said “Yeah, on the Golden Girls you could always tell that they had makeup on down to their collar line.” And then Beth mouthed “You just said that out loud.” And then I was like “oh crap, an inside thought got out” and Katie pretended like I didn’t just talk about Blanche and Dorothy as if they were people I hung out with (wishes could come true).

Don’t drool while in public/near a stranger/when you’re not sleeping.

So the anxiety dreams I was having leading up to this evening were basically firmly planted in the idea that I would lose an eye and/or somehow eye-seizure my way right out of being able to have mascara or eyeliner applied anywhere near my face. Which really is quite challenging if you know anything about proper makeup application.

Anyway, I felt it necessary to warn poor Katie that I have a habit of eye-seizuring (that rapid blinking and squirming thing you do when someone comes into the room with a liquid liner) and sometimes panic-closing my eyes when I’m supposed to “look up and to the side.” But Katie – who basically acted as my personal makeup counselor/therapist all evening – was like “Oh, that’s totally normal” and would then say “you’re doing great” after every time I didn’t close my eye or start to cry as she applied mascara to the bottom lashes. It was like having a labor coach for eye makeup, which I highly recommend.

However, what I was unaware of is that sometimes, when people who aren’t you are applying lip liner and then lipstick and then lip gloss to your lips - and your mouth is at that half-mast thing they make you do so they can find your narrow lip line – you start drooling.

I couldn’t help it, you guys, it was taking forever and I started awake-dozing!

The problem, though, was less with the fact that a little drool escaped and more that I was like “Oh sorry, I just drooled a little” and then Beth was like “Seriously? You just said that out loud.”

And then Katie laughed and talked more about water signs.

My love is not as stable as I thought it was.

This has less to do with makeup/hair tips and more to do with the fact that poor CB is in for a long, hard life with me.

So Katie was asking about CB and I mentioned that our wedding day is the day before his birthday. Immediately, Psychic Katie was like “Oh, he’s a Leo?” And then I paused, looked at Beth, and was like “sure?”

I have no idea.

So then she started telling me all about Leo qualities and then was like “What are you?” And when I said “Sagittarius” there was a half-second where it looked like maybe her expression was saying that a Sagittarius and a Leo should never be in the same room together.

However, she reassured me that it actually was pretty good, and after breathing a sigh of relief, I explained to Katie that we were all lucky she saved that one because I’d have to go home and tell CB that we were doomed and to just end it now. The upside is that I learned a lot about CB, especially because Beth was like “Yeah, that sounds like him” and I was like “It does?” and at one point Katie was like “Have you met your fiancé before?”

Details.

Don’t hide who you are.

This is the final tip I learned, and probably the most important one. Because let’s be honest – for those of us mildly-to-moderately-to-excessively interested in presenting ourselves to the world in a way that seems socially acceptable (no time to debate all this, Gloria Steinem, that’s for another day), the main goal is: “I want to look like I’m not wearing makeup while wearing makeup so I look glow-y and natural.”  Which may have been verbatim how I described the “look” I was going for and then I whipped my hand in the air like a wand and said “Go Katie, create magic!” and she laughed nervously because usually people who do that are crazy.  

However, the first round proved that, when in doubt, let your true colors shine through. You see, Katie thought maybe we’d “even out” my skin tone by applying a slightly heavier foundation to my rosy Irish completion, which basically just made me look like I was getting ready for a stage play where the closest audience member was a football field away and wouldn’t know that I wasn’t naturally kind of tan.

Katie: “I don’t think this is quite right for your skin.”
Me, relieved: “Yeah, I’m ok with my natural skin tone coming out. I want to look like me. Nobody will buy that I’m the sixth Kardashian anyway. CB’s seen me when I wake up, so any of this will be an improvement, rosy complexion and all.”

Cut to: 20 minutes later, a lot of makeup remover, and new, lighter foundation and BOOM. There she is, ladies and gentleman, Rosy Becky with shimmery cheeks and eyes!

So obviously I picked up the picture of Hayden Panettiere and her “dewy” makeup look that I’d brought for inspiration and said (not at all like a crazy person): “It’s like looking in the mirror.”

And then Katie laughed some more and didn’t respond because she was raised right.

But honestly, you guys, it was kind of way more fun than I expected, I looked like myself “just way better” (goal achieved), and Beth took notes on the tools she will need to curl our eyelashes and apply mascara with a brush instead of a wand.

Me: “I don’t think they sell that at the Dollar General.”
Beth: “I bet they do.”
Katie: “Well….these are M.A.C. brushes, so….”

Sorry, Katie. We’re new here.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Go let your true colors shine! (but bring a pressed powder compact with you just in case).