Conversations from Cohabitation

While prepping a hospital gift bag for a friend who just had a baby.

Me: “Thank you so much for getting the junk magazines for her to read. Which ones did you find?”
CB: “I think I got People and U.S. Weekly.”
Me, laughing: “U.S. weekly?”
CB: “What, isn’t that what it’s called?”
Me, still laughing: “No, it’s called ‘US’ weekly.”
CB: “Oh. Well, how would I know that?”
Me: “Everyone knows that.”
CB: “I can honestly say I’ve never read that magazine before. You don’t read that stuff, so how would I know?”
Me: “Right, and I’ve never read The Economist, but I still know what it’s called.”
CB: “Not the same thing.”
Me, holding up the People magazine: “It’s like saying ‘Oh, I got the Pea-o-play magazine you asked for.”
CB: “Um, I know the word ‘people.’”
Me: “But you don’t know the word ‘us’?”
CB: “It’s different! The U and the S are different sizes!”
Me: “You are my all-time favorite person for so many reasons, but one is because you’re 87 years old at all times. Please never change.”
CB: “I stand by it. US is a dumb name for a magazine.”
Me: “But U.S. Weekly would be flying off the shelves.”
CB: “Conversation over.”
Me: “Shh, quiet. I have to go read my Pea-o-play magazine.”

***

While going through a magazine mailer CB got on wedding suits and tuxes.

Me: “It’s creepy to me how all of these companies know that we’re getting married even though we don’t sign up for this stuff.”
CB, silently reading the cover of the magazine and making a face.
Me: “What?”
CB, holding up the magazine: “It says ‘9 trends grooms are into now.’ I’m not gonna’ lie, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be into these 9 trends.”
Me: “How do you know?”
CB, getting very passionate: “Have you seen some of the styles on guys these days? I don’t know who decides what’s fashionable-“
Me: “-fashion designers…”
CB: “-but I gotta’ tell ya, they’re living in an alternate universe.”
Me: “You’re very passionate about this.”
CB: “Seriously, you know what doesn’t look good? Your thighs being the same size as your calves. Who finds that sexy?! But they walk around with these super tight pants on and I’m like ‘you’re a guy. Nobody wants to see your chicken legs.’”
Me: “So no skinny suits for you?”
CB: “I wouldn’t be caught dead in a skinny suit.”
Me: “At least you know what you don’t want, that’s a start.”
CB, flipping through the magazine and holding up a picture of a skinny suit: “I mean, really.”
Me: “I know, grandpa. I know.”