Wedding Vows That Didn't Make the Cut.

So remember a few weeks ago when I tried to work on my vows and instead did 14 other things that had nothing to do with vows? Well, I wanted to let you all know that I did, in fact, finish them. And, I might add, I totally finished before CB. It was a contest. He didn’t know that it was a contest, but then I guess that just goes to show that he doesn’t know his almost-wife nearly as well as he thinks he does, because of course it was a race to the finish line.

Unless he finished first, in which case it would’ve just been that I took more care and time to really be thoughtful and he rushed through them because everything is always a competition, CB, ugh.

Anyway, this morning I muttered loudly under my breath that he must be incapable of closing his dresser drawers all the way because they are always half-open. Which you’d think would not affect me in the least, but then apparently none of you know me that well, either, because of course it affects me. Because I have eyes and it’s an assault on all of my senses that see that things are almost closed, but not quite.

(yes, I’ve heard there’s medication for this. No time.)

So then he mentioned that he could have “way worse traits than leaving my dresser drawers open,” to which I failed to see how that was true, and then we went along our merry way being somehow simultaneously a perfect match and unbelievably opposite.

Which got me to thinking that there were a ton of things that I left out of my vows, mainly for the sake of time. However, we’ve got all the time in the world on this here blog, so I thought I’d jot down a few that I totally left out and will certainly include in the sequel should we ever decide to punish our friends and renew our vows a decade from now when nobody even cares.

So here we go, CB:

• I promise to try to tell stories a little bit faster so that you don’t get bored during the parts when I start to ramble. Which is pretty much all of the parts. But if I didn’t tell stories in our household, nobody would, since you don’t tell any stories until months later and I have to find out that you had an entire 20 minute dog-chase escapade in Weehawken that included other people and a fake dog leash while casually driving down the street where this all happened weeks ago. I can’t believe you didn’t immediately tell me about that, weirdo. But I still do promise to try to ramble less. 

• I promise to not only invite you to come “sit next to me on the couch” so that you can scratch my head until I fall asleep while watching a tv show you didn’t even want to watch. I do love just sitting next to you, but it’s just that you’re so good at scratching my head that it just seems like killing two birds with one stone…. 

• I promise to try and not ask you to move to the other side of the counter when you’re helping cut vegetables for dinner even though 30 seconds ago I asked you to stand there because otherwise you were in my way. I DON’T KNOW WHY I ALWAYS DO THAT. I swear it’s not on purpose and I totally sense your annoyance when it happens every time, mainly because you tell me how annoying it is. But I promise I’ll try to anticipate my cooking needs better so that you’re not standing in the middle of the kitchen holding a cutting board and sharp knife in confusion. Because also that may prove to be dangerous to me as time goes on…

• I promise not to recite all of the lines to the Karate Kid Parts I and II when I excitedly find and watch it on ABC Family. I realize you’re barely keeping it together in the first place by sitting through these classics, and so when I start reciting the lines in the voices and inflections so that it’s just right, it’s probably not your most favorite thing. I realize I did this a lot yesterday – both while watching Karate Kid and also The Bodyguard. Oh, and I promise not to say “movie kiss!” and then try to fake movie kiss you like Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston do at the end when you’re just trying to kiss me hello. I know it makes you want to maybe never kiss me, but sometimes it’s fun and surprisingly difficult to fake-kiss! 

• And finally, I promise to try not to be so evil when I sleep. I don’t know why I always do that. It’s my subconscious demon-half coming through and I have no idea why I sleep hit you all night and angrily mutter that you’re being too shaky in the bed. But you do flop a lot and you weigh, like, almost 200 pounds. So for a dainty lady like me, it feels like I’m being tossed around on a life raft and it’s terrifying. Partly because I have an eye mask on and ear plugs in and am vulnerable to my surroundings in that moment. But also because I’m a super-grumpy sleeper and I realize I’m the worst.

Anyway…..

12 days, you guys! Happy Monday!