Wednesday, May 20, 2015

What I Learned by Stalking Rich People

So every day I walk by a bunch of galleries and high-end furniture stores on my way to work in NYC. I glance into the windows and wonder who actually shops there, since everything as far as the eye can see costs more than my month’s salary, I’m pretty sure. But it’s all so perfectly decorated and laid out that I gaze longingly, though I’m clearly not their target audience. I’m pretty sure these places are catering to a class of people who wouldn’t want to hang with me unless they were doing a charity outreach program to people who shop at Target and consider Pottery Barn “a little rich for my blood.”

But as I longingly peer into the lives of people much richer than I will ever dream of being, I also think to myself: Super Rich people are weird.

Because, as you’re about to see on the visual virtual tour of my walk to work every day, super rich people like some wacky stuff, you guys. I mean, this isn't a scientific study, I suppose, but I'm pretty sure the seven pictures I'm about to show you sum up ALL SUPER RICH PEOPLE. Because that's how science and opinions work.  


Let’s proceed: 

1. This terrifies me every day. It's the ad for an art exhibit about a block from my office and it makes me happy that my unborn baby can't see through my skin. 

The exhibit is called "Enchanted Space." However, this photo always gives me "Horrific Nightmares." 

What is happening here? I don't get art and I kind of don't care? I really, really, really hate art exhibits. Like, to the point that I think maybe there's something wrong with me. Because the last thing I ever in my life will ever want to do is go look at art - pretty much any kind. I mean, if you're my friend and you've done something artsy and I'm coming to support you? Cool. But I'm banking on free champagne and hor duerves to get me through the event, and we should both know that going in. 

Even "good" art, which I deem as anything not "modern" and/or made during the Baroque period. I'm pretty sure the last time I went to an art exhibit and spent any sort of real time there is when I was visiting a hot guy I was in love with who lived in Vienna and he thought it'd be "fun" to take me to a super-boring Viennese art exhibit. I woud've preferred just going to have coffee and looking at his face, but instead, we looked at a bunch of paintings of people who looked depressed sitting perfectly still and sometimes eating fruit.

I mean, I just don't get it, and I don't really care if I ever do. And stuff like this just confuses me instead of enchants me. I'm so uncouth! (also, I realize that you don't have to be rich to appreciate art. However, this art exhibit looks so fancy that I'm pretty sure you have to dress up to go inside. Sort of like those stores in Beverly Hills from "Pretty Woman" where she wasn't dressed well enough and so they wouldn't even serve her. I'm guessing it's the non-prostitute version of that.) 


2. This is the first of many random animals that rich people supposedly like to decorate their homes with. This, I think? is a cheetah. Or a house cat on steroids. Or some exotic rich cat found in the wild on safaris that I've never been on. 

It also looks like it's thinking of eating me and so I'm struggling to reason why you'd want this in your living room. 

Do super rich people like to be scared in their homes and/or while enjoying leisure time? Because between the art exhibit and this, I'm deducing that the answer is yes. 

I should have a PhD in sociology, you guys. 




3. It took me a minute to figure out what this was, but it's, duh, giant grapes on a table. 

Super Rich people love giant things! 

But seriously. Where do you put this? Is this, like, instead of flowers as your centerpiece? I'm guessing it goes on a table since the display has it on a table, but then...is it just a grape display table? Because you can't really functionally use that table to, like, work from home or eat a snack. Right? 

And when you visit someone with giant fruit on their table, are you obliged to acknowledge it? Like "Hey, where did you get your giant gold grapes? I've wanted something to complement my enormous bowl of peaches for a while and just haven't quite been able to find the right accent piece." Oh, also, rich people say "accent piece," not sure if you knew that. 


4. Now, to be fair, I'm guessing a super rich person with taste wouldn't have ALL of these things in their home at the same time. Maybe, like, the giant grapes and the cheetah go in your primary home, and the horse heads and the snail (below) go to your lake house? Because that would be too many oversized animals/food products in one place, right? 

But this just creates more questions than answers for me. Is the snail a garden piece? Would you be foolish to have this in your foyer (pronounced "foyAY" if you're fancy) and your other friends would all talk about you behind your back after the cocktail party and be like "Wow, Elaine really has no eye for where that giant bronzed snail should go. How could she NOT know that it belongs in her atrium?" 

And AHHHHHH! Where do the three giant sheep go??? This is getting out of control!!!!

What if you can't afford all three? Is it just not done to have one sheep? Or two? Are they for counting at night? Are these bedroom sheep? I need answers about the giant sheep, you guys! Plus, do you have to buy the sheep pedestal that the one king sheep is on in the display? Do rich people just know these things?? This is so stressful!!!! 


5. And finally, if you're looking for a luxury condo to put all of your giant animals in, look no further than a place that apparently doesn't discriminate against 18th century people, 18th century people who don't wear tops, and the shockingly buff tattoo artist who kind of gives you the creeps because he lives in the garage behind the shop but also is sort of artsy and aloof in that way that college girls really like? They'll totally take all of those people! I really need to get a wig and/or more tattoos. It'll be my key to success. 

Or so I'm guessing based upon this very specific advertisement that just has the website for the condo building and pictures of these people on it. You must just know what to do if you're Super Rich and like to wear corsets while staring at your giant grapes and petting your massive flock of sheep. But I know for sure that they probably definitely like terrifying art exhibits

Is this what rich people in SoHo look like? I'm learning so much on my way to work, you guys! Thanks for taking the tour with me. 

Happy Wednesday! 




6 comments:

  1. I like to think there is some starving artist giving a giant evil laugh that stupid rich people are buying this stuff. Especially the sheep. If I had that in my house, my daughter would be riding it all the time. Hey, maybe I need a giant sheep!

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    1. To be fair, if I had those sheep in my apartment, I'D totally be riding them, too!

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  2. Pictures 1 and 2 scare the crap out of me! I do like the snail though. I could never afford it though, but if I could, I don't have anywhere to put it except for outside, then I'd just be ruining all the money I wasted on it. #nowinsituation I think you could get away without buying the pedestal for the King Sheep, I think probably one or two would do as well, no one NEEDS three sheep. Right? ---Amanda

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    1. Does anyone NEED one sheep?

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    2. Right? lol ---Amanda

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  3. Okay, I'm not going to lie. I kind of want that snail. Or those sheep. But not in a rich, decorative kind of way, but more in a lets-put-these-in-the-living-room-and-greet-them-by-name-when-new-guests-come-over kind of way.

    "Hubert, lovely to see you again."

    "Gerald, you're looking quite dashing. Did you just get your wool styled?"

    And then your house guests will be all "I don't know what is happening here, but I LOVE IT."

    And that's how you make more friends.

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