So, when I was getting dressed for work today I realized that this whole time I’ve been wearing drastically inappropriate clothing for my workplace. For years I’ve been donning pants, sweaters, and flats without noticing that this is totally wrong! Why didn’t anyone tell me? I’m so ashamed.
|I need to get myself one of these|
outfits for my next business trip.
What I’m supposed to be doing, from what I can tell, is dressing like the “slutty book editor” that I so clearly am. Thankfully, though, Halloween costumes are teaching me a thing or two about being a woman. And a really hot corporate employee to boot!
While the workplace dress code handbook tells me that I can’t wear flip flops, it does not say that I can’t wear 5 inch heels and a skirt that just barely covers my hoo-ha. I mean, maybe it’s implied, but I’m pretty sure they’d be totally down with a ruffle top cut down to my cleavage and tied around my mid-section. Also, that’s totally what they mean when they say “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have”, right? I’m just guessing here.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with people dressing up for Halloween however they want. But let’s all just at least get on the same page about a few things, shall we?
- If you’re over thirty, please don’t wear these costumes. Unless you’re Heidi Klum or Madonna. And if you’re Madonna and reading this? I’ve totally won the blogging lottery. But don’t get me wrong – I’m over thirty and I think you can be in your dirty thirties and still rock it out (or your flirty forties and nifty fifties….). But can we also agree that sometimes you might not know you’ve gone ‘round the bend and everyone feels too embarrassed for you to tell you? And now you just look kind of slutty for no reason when all you really want is to be wearing sweats. Are we in agreement here?
- If you’re under thirty and see me at the bar or a party during the Halloween season and you’re dressed as a slutty construction worker and I’m dressed as the Log Lady, let’s just pretend we don’t see each other, m’kay? And you have my permission to chat up CB when I’m over getting more crackers, too. It’ll make his night and then I don’t have to feel bad that I’ve just asked him 20 times when we can go home and watch “The Golden Girls.” Win/win.
- If you’re a guy, could you do us ladies a solid and at least try? No, we don’t want you to be slutty because almost nobody looks good in a Speedo. But could you maybe try a little harder than writing “World’s Sexiest Man” across you’re ratty old under shirt in black Sharpie marker? I mean, you literally gave that no effort while us ladies have been dieting for 5 weeks and can’t even wear Spanx because the outfit we have on is too skimpy. I mean, throw us a bone.
- If you’re anyone and you see a slutty hockey player leaving the bar unable to walk or hold up her own puck, please help her out so that the “World’s Sexiest Man” doesn’t get to her first. Deal? This happens every year and then I end up being the sober Log Lady barrel rolling some chick home who decided that being a Perky Peacock this year was a good idea. It’s never pretty by 1am and usually I end up with puke on my flannel.
- If you have a child and she’s 13 years or younger, please don’t let her dress up like a slutty anything. Please. If not for her and her childhood, do it for me and my childhood. Know why? Because one year I went as a California Raisin and it was awesome. My dad made the costume (BOOM, that’s right! Dad rocks.) and I even wore his too-big-for-me (just barely) Converse sneakers. It was rad, I was rad, and nobody got scarred for life wondering if I was 13 or 21. Childhood doesn’t last long and so, while it might not be hip, it’s certainly worth preserving for as long as possible. Also, I promise I’m not some weird “Footloose”-type crazy who hates dancing and fun. I just sometimes get nervous when I see a little girl walking around in a half-shirt, freezing her patootie off because she thinks being a slutty cheerleader is the way to get extra Reeses. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not a bad trick. But I’m just going to put it out there right now that if you come to my door and you’re under 13 and dressed like a sleeping bag or something, you’re totally getting extra candy. I’m just sayin’.
|Clearly my parents|
went the Slutty Clown route. Hey, those
were the '70s for ya!
Anyway, I’m glad we cleared that up so now we can all go and costume shop fully armed with all of this knowledge.
So….what do you think I should be for Halloween this year? I’m open to suggestions, but CB’s already going as Honey Boo Boo, so that’s taken. J
If CB truly dresses up as Honey Boo Boo for Halloween and you don'y post any pictures...epic FAIL. Just sayin'.ReplyDelete
Haha he's just going to be THRILLED with me for putting that out into the universe. Trust me, if I could EVER get him to dress up as Honey Boo Boo, there'd not only be photos, there'd be video. Fingers crossed! :-)Delete
Well my old standby costume is to grab an old bridesmaid dress out of the closet, a tiara, and make a sash with my title, usually something like "Miss Demeanor or Miss Conduct". Or I have the red dress to go as Lydia from Beetlejuice.ReplyDelete
Ooh that's a great idea! Thanks!Delete
I'm going as a bag of jelly beans - super easy: wear a clear garbage bag full of balloons! Feel free to borrow the idea! :)ReplyDelete
What a clever idea - thanks!Delete
I guess I'm missing out here. My friends never have Halloween parties, the last time I dressed up was when I was 20 (oh hell, that was 10 years ago!!) in college and went as a (non slutty) cowgirl. Jeans, boots, hat and a tied at the belly flannel. I guess I'll settle for grilling steaks, drinking beer and eating an orange pumpkin shaped cake on the back deck with our group of friends.ReplyDelete
Very funny post! i agree with you, I think, totally. Although, I would never be a log lady for Halloween. Found you on SITS.ReplyDelete
Thanks! Though, in my defense, I was a Log Lady when I was, like, 12. Is that better? :-) Welcome from SITS! Going to check you out now!Delete
Better, yes. And at 12, I was a flat-chested Marilyn Monroe.Delete
We have won three Halloween costume contests in a row and I've never been slutty. Year one was me as Sarah Palin, with gun, suit, and hunting vest. Husband was a moose I was hunting....year two we were Popeye and Olive Oyl, next year we were Kiss (with two friends) and we always make everything (by we I mean me) and very by the cheap a$$ costumes in the stores. They turn out much better that way. No party this year :( So I'm concentrating on my sons Dark Knight Joker costume. . .ReplyDelete
You're creative, I might steal one of those!Delete
Hubs is going to be a mad scientist (I'm only pissed I didn't think of it first) and I'm going to be a random camo-clad girl with a canteen full of vodka and an ammo belt full of shot glasses.ReplyDelete
Keepin' it classy.
And now I understand why my blog might be appealing to you: we're the same person. That. Is. AWESOME.Delete
All of this is worth saying. I just roll my eyes at slutty anything. It's a little to forced for me. I can't imagine the bar scene on Halloween.ReplyDelete
The hubby and I almost always do something together and none of it has been slutty. I don't want to see him in lingerie but this year, I wanted him to be Rumpel....(oh i don't know how to spell that) and I wanted to be the evil queen from Once upon a time but I think we'd settle for being new Floridians who just want to get drunk at any Halloween party. lolReplyDelete
Hahaha I'm with you on that one!!Delete
After this week's debate, I'm decorating a large piece of cardboard, folding it around me, and going as a binder full of woman.ReplyDelete
I'll probably be extraordinarily unpopular among the republicans in the area.
Haha well played.Delete