Wednesday, January 23, 2013

On how being a woman is WAY better and why CB sometimes drinks whiskey during the week.

So this morning I woke up to a scribbled note by the bedside that read “Mean to men?” and the word “pillow” written next to it, which lead me to conclude the following:  1, I really shouldn’t be allowed to sleep around potentially sharp objects like a pen because I might lose an eye and 2, I’m much nicer in my sleep thoughts towards CB than in my awake thoughts.

Let me explain.

You see, CB has a number of incredible qualities: he’s kind, funny, smart, honest. But he has one quality that has made me contemplate smothering him with a pillow every night of our lives for more than a year now: he snores louder than a fog horn.

And instead of doing the rational, reasonable thing and purchasing nose strips for him or ear plugs for me, I’ve gone down a slightly different route that includes nudging him, rolling him over, and inadudibly yelling his name angrily from the other side of the bed to make sure that he wakes up as much as I’m waking up.

CB: You know, when I snore it means I’m sleeping soundly.
Me: Uh, yeah, but I’m not.
CB: Ok, but does that mean that both of us have to not get a good night’s sleep?
Me: Um, yes. And duh.

Keep in mind that this conversation happens weekly, usually when we’re both really not grumpy at all, and everyone in Hudson County can feel the love.

But the other night, out of the blue, I had an “Eureka!” moment and woke him up from a dead, snoring sleep to tell him my exciting new idea.

Me: I’ve got it! It’s the pillows!
CB: grumble grumble grumble
Me: It’s the pillows! Give me that pillow (yanking the second pillow from under his head)
CB: Um…..
Me: I think you’re snoring because you’re too propped up all night! The nights that you don’t snore are when I have all of the pillows and you just have one. So that’s it! You’ll just sleep with one pillow from now on.
CB: Um…..
Me: Goodnight!

And then he didn’t snore and I was totally right.

However, what I failed to do, is, um, ask him if this was at all comfortable. But because he’s nicer than me in just a general way, he rolled over, went to sleep, and realized that that was probably easier than having this conversation with me for 5 more seconds.

Cut to: last night. We’re going on day three or four of the no snoring phenomenon and it’s working out quite well for me, I must say. But last night, I woke up around 3am and CB was wide awake because he couldn’t sleep, and suddenly I was struck with an enormous amount of guilt.

I'm not an actual witch.
I just play one in my sleep, sometimes.
Me: Do you want a second pillow?
CB: No, this is comfortable, it’s not that. I just keep tossing and turning.
Me: Are you sure it’s not the pillow?
CB: It’s not the pillow.

And then I got up and scribbled the note about being mean because I knew my real-life mind would just forget all about this and I’d never know that I had a moment of pure clarity about how mean us ladies can be sometimes.  

Also, by “us ladies,” it’s possible that I just mean me. But I’m going out on a limb here to say that I’m not alone in this camp?

And I realize that I might get hate mail from people screaming about equality and our oppression over centuries and blah blah blah (bring it). I’m with you, I’ve got it, and if I hadn’t spent too much money on my bra, I’d burn it right there along side of you.

But in light of the fact that every ridiculous sit-com on television depicting a married couple shows the guy as a babbling idiot who can barely tie his own shoes while the woman runs circles around him, I think it’s important for both parties to acknowledge when we’re being slightly less than totally fair to the other. Also, those sit-coms make me sad for a world like that and Tim Allen and Homer Simpson really should have more respect for themselves.  

But I think we’d be remiss not to at least acknowledge some of the stuff we ask of/expect our hairier halves to do.

In no particular order, and on any given day, I will:

  • Ask (sort of?) CB to move over so I can take up most of the couch and be cozy while he occupies the square inch in the corner and becomes a human pillow
  • Take the pillow from under his head while he’s sleeping (this has already been established)
  • Make him either open or close a window, turn on the heat or the a/c, depending on my body temperature, not his
  • Ask him (again, sort of) to lift things that I can lift because I’m lazy
  • Answer the door when the pizza guy comes because it gives me anxiety (but I totally call every time, so let’s call it a draw)
  • Be moody and contradictory when there’s no beer in the house
  • Watch anything on Bravo, the WE channel, or the Oprah Network ever

And that’s just the beginning, ladies, trust me. I’ll sleep with a pen again tonight and write down stuff that my conscious mind is way too ashamed to remember while I’m awake.

But am I alone here or do we sometimes take advantage of being the fairer sex? And guys (the whole 3 of you who read this blog) – what do you think?

Happy Wednesday, everyone! 


  1. Yes, you crazy people absolutely take advantage of us. But most of the time we don't care enough to argue. It's the Art of Picking Your Battles.

    Dude Who Occasionally Didn't Wear Socks With Dress Shoes

    1. Haha and this is why it works. I suppose we all pick our battles, and I'm just glad that CB's battles are different than mine!

  2. Okay, so I'm totally sending this post to Dragon, because I have a feeling I am just as spoiled and guilty as you are. Thankfully, Dragon isn't much of a snorer, but on the rare occasion that he does, I have no hesitation when it comes to hitting him in the arm and kicking his shins.

    There may or may not be a problem here.

    1. Haha I'm glad I'm not the only one! I feel really bad in the morning, but in the moment in my half-sleep, I just want it to stooooooooooop. Hence, taking the pillow.

  3. My hubby is "in charge" of snow removal and turning on the cars in the morning. Especially when it's -4 like it was the past two mornings. Usually, I claim ignorance of how to do something (like plumbing), but in this instance it's sheer selfishness of not wanting to go outside when it's cold. We did get him an awesome snow blower, so that kind of equals...ok no, when it's -4 it's not equal.

    1. That's a good husband right there. And I think CB would do the same thing. And I'm glad to hear I'm not alone! (poor guys)

  4. Things My Husband Does:
    1. Order and pick-up all take away because I have anxiety about calling, answering the door, leaving the house and putting on a bra to do any of those things.
    2. Doing all of the recycling, garbage, snow removal, lawn care.
    3. Doing all of the car and bicycle maintenance.
    4. Watching EVERY Masterpiece Classic ever made. Also watching Ice Loves Coco, Law & Order:SVU and Downtown Abbey.
    5. Fixes everything.

    Things I do:
    1. Light things in the house on fire (has only happened three times).
    2. Maintain and foster friendships with other human beings.
    3. Do most of the cooking - no meat.
    4. Exist.
    5. Have huge plumpies.

    Seems fair.

    The. Snoring. I cannot take it. I've found if my husband is on his side, he doesn't snore so I use his right arm to forcibly turn him over (facing away from me because he breaths loud). He sleeps like the dead. I could literally be murder-rape-kidnapped (in any order - your choice) and he would not even notice. I sleep like someone who wakes at the drop of a pin. I have to have my white noise, three pillows, blackout sleep mask and Ambien and/or Xanax. What?

    1. Hahahaha this is great!!! You're awesome. Also, YES! I sleep like someone who wakes at the drop of a pink, too! I have my white noise, three pillows (two under my legs, one in between my legs for back support - normal?) and a sleep mask! I've never taken Ambien or anything, but basically one glass of wine would do the trick if needed, so I'm all set. See, this is why we get each other. :-)

  5. After 23 years of marriage you realize you aren't taking advantage because you each have things you are responsible for. He does go get all of the carry out. always. shovel (most of the time), mow the lawn. always. (but now we have a 12 year old and he's taking over. and my favorite, clean out the refrigerator and usually the closets. But he has also not done more than 3 loads of laundry in 23 years, he hasn't cooked in about 16 years and he certainly hasn't cleaned a bathroom in 23 years. In all honesty I would get all of the take out from now on if I never had to clean a bathroom again....most of these haven't been discussed. He just started cleaning out the refrigerator because I hate it and frankly rarely do it. He figured he better or awful things would start happening...

    1. I love the way you think! First, CONGRATULATIONS on 23 years of marriage, that's amazing! And obviously you guys know the art of compromise and that's part of what makes it work, I'd guess.

      And you're right - I do 99% of the cooking (though he's a great sous chef) and, if we actually lived together, I'd probably end up cleaning the bathroom since I've been known to scrub his toilet and I don't even live there!

      Again, I LOVE your take on this. Thanks!

    2. oh yes. And the reason I love him so. I'm terrible in the morning. TERRIBLE. Despite this, every day I get up he has coffee made for me. He is leaving for work, I don't talk I'm super grumpy, but he still brews that coffee. Awesome.

    3. That's a good man right there!

  6. Ha love this post. I recognise the great things Hubby does for me:

    - defrosts the car every morning and turns the engine on as I moan I am cold in the car
    - gets my Christmas decorations out of the attic and puts them back even though he is petrified a spider is going to fall on his head
    - stands in the garden to cool down when it is too hot in house as I have the thermostat turned way up high and am reguarly sat under a blanket at the same time
    - gives me the bed cover in his sleep if he thinks subconsciously thinks I need it (since my operation I am way to warm in bed so it wakes me up so I can give it him back but I am soooo not going to call him on it as he is just too cute)
    - wakes up if he turns over in his sleep to give me a hug and I am not there and comes downstairs to check if I am alright (in 7 years I have never not been 'alright'; I am just an early riser
    - asks me every day which TV I would like to watch as I record programmes on 2 and will watch his sport on whichever I don't need
    - all the ironing as my slipped disc dictates I can't without being in agony (hey, maybe he does it to prevent more moaning....)

    Things I do for him:
    - mostly get him coffee and crumpets in bed every day (as he didn't get them today he has been jokingly telling me for an hour this morning that I did promise to get them him - I probably did but I can't remember so have denied all knowledge of the conversation)
    - Make him lunch every work day
    - do most cleaning (despite having a rota which only lasted 2 weeks as Hubby and Beautiful B generally ignore it as I will just take the cleaning over until I have a mini meltdown about every 6 months and the cycle starts again)
    - drive him everywhere as he is 'too old to learn to drive' - he is 39!!!
    - drive all the way across town and back to take his mum shopping every week (Girl time!).
    - manage the money because he is useless at it
    - keep him entertained with 'ribenaisms', general scattiness, forgetfulness and weird dreams

    So I think it's pretty fair.

  7. Yes, running errands like going to the supermarket when I just don't want to...guilty!

    And many more..
    My husband snores too and it is so annoying...especially since I'm a light sleeper. The trick for him not to eat late and go to bed at a decent time but does he listen? NOOOOOOOOOOO! So that's when I get mad.

    BTW, I'm hosting a cute Valentine's day giveaway on my blog.Please visit and pass the word around.