Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Adulthood 101: Just make it all up as you go.

Obviously, being an adult is the best time ever. I mean, you can totally go to bed at whatever time you see fit, even if you’re well aware that most adults your age make it past 9 o’clock. Plus, you get to choose your own clothes, make ALL of your own decisions, and do whatever you want, when and where you want.

Also, these are the precise reasons why being an adult totally blows at least a third of the time.

I mean, adults are just taller, older, hairier, more disgruntled versions of kids, with slightly more life experience and a broader vocabulary. So if we’re being honest with ourselves here, we’re all just sort of going through the motions at least half of the time.


Or is it just me?

Me: “I think I ate too much frosting.”
CB: “You did what?”
Me: “I just ate some frosting and I think I ate too much because now I have a stomach ache.”
CB: “For the record, any frosting is too much frosting.”
Me: “That’s just ridiculous.”

Moaning under my breath.

Me: “Why do I do this? I’m like a child with no self-control around frosting.”
CB: “It’s true.”
Me: “And I’m really good at other parts about being an adult.”
CB: “It’s actually impressive. You’re really good at some parts of being an adult, and then the other parts seem to elude you.”
Me, offended on principle: “Hey!”
CB: “What? I said they ‘elude you’ – it’s out of your control!”
Me: “Oh. Ok. That’s fair.”
But other than eating frosting for dessert and wearing pink pants to work (they’re festive, dude), I’m pretty sure we can all get on board regarding a few other “adult” things that we’re totally all just faking.

First of all, why did I ever think that adults were good at their jobs or knew what they were doing simply because they were adults? You know why? Because adults are in charge of EVERYTHING. And that should terrify all of us.

Think about it: next time you’re going in for, like, brain surgery or something, take a good hard look at Dr. McDreamy. Why? Because I guarantee you he has at least three friends who have some sort of dirt on him that would totally either (a) get him fired or (b) make you not want him messing around in your brain. But somehow, he totally aced chem lab in college, is a natural at test-taking, and scored above average on the narcissist quiz online, and so now he’s totally in charge of brain surgery at Major Hospital Where You’re a Patient.

And I really didn’t notice this phenomenon of everyone just faking it until they were making it until I got into the professional world myself and was all like “Oh man, I don’t know how to do X, I’m a new adult!” And then I’d go ask less new adults who had been there awhile and they were like “Yeah, I do it this way, but I’m not even sure if that’s how it’s supposed to be done, so just basically figure out what works for you.”

We should all be crippled with fear.  

To be fair, all of my friends and family members who are parents are kinda killing it. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret, kids. Every adult you see? Faking it. Mom and dad? Totally making up AT LEAST half of the stuff they tell you on a regular basis just so you’ll stop talking and they can have some peace and quiet and a glass of wine.

I mean, I was well into my teens before I saw a picture of my dad, riding a tricycle with a beanie on his head with a bunch of his friends. And no, he wasn’t five. He was twenty-two and about to graduate from a prestigious, non online university. Which got me to thinking: “Wait….dad was a person before he was my dad?” and it made my mind reel at the thought and so I likely just went back to watching “Melrose Place” and dreaming of Andrew Shue. Obviously.

But now, as is the cycle of life, the people I grew up doing stupid things with after sobriety had left the building are in charge of the leaders of tomorrow. And all I’d like to say now, as an adult child of parents who were totally people before I took their souls, is:


I bet my eyes totally wouldn’t have gotten stuck that way if I kept doing that, and I probably wouldn’t have puked all over the place if I’d hopped in the pool just after lunch. And you know what? I’ve jumped up and down on my bed a TON of times without it breaking, and so I call foul on that one, too!

Moving on.

I’d like to think that as I’ve gotten older, wiser, and less crazy, I’ve brought a level of maturity to my relationships that was lacking in the past.

Oh my God no, that’s obviously not true. I couldn’t even do that with a straight face.

When I grow up,
I hope I meet a boy
who digs these sorts
of hats on me. 
However, I actually have learned some things along the way and, through time, patience, and a lot of laughter, think CB and I have put something together that’s pretty darned good. Also, I let him watch baseball with very little complaining and he lets me watch Bravo shows and eat frosting on his couch, so we’re obviously made for each other.

I mean, it’s possible that it’s just me, but has the dance really changed all that much since we were younger? Do any of us really know what we’re doing when it comes to courtship of any kind?

When I grow up,
I hope I meet a girl
who loves plaid jackets
with elbow patches. 
Let me answer that question just in case you’ve never seen a reality tv program or haven't glanced at the cover of a tabloid magazine in the checkout line recently: No. No, we do not.

You see someone, you think they’re cute/ interesting/ funny/whatever floats your boat, you wonder if they find you cute/interesting/funny/whatever floats their boat, and then you both act like idiots for much longer than necessary before one or both of you fesses up and agrees to go get some coffee.

That’s pretty much it. That’s dating. The routine, the tumble, the dismount. Rinse,

Until, you know, you find someone who’s ok with your glitter shoes and whose laugh you like a lot and realize that people have gotten together over a lot less, and so you go for gold.  And then you make brand new people, tell them a bunch of stuff you made up that sounds believable, and go to your job to make decisions that may or may not be correct.

BOOM. Adulthood.

Am I alone here? What do you guys think?

Happy Wednesday!  


  1. Haha I love this post! Being an adult totally blows at least a third of the time! Bills, having to buy groceries (what is up with that?!) jobs, being responsible (or attempting to). It sucks.

    And relationships are hard work. I think most people are just winging it. At least I am....

    But finding someone who lets you eat frosting on their couch is totally a keeper.

    1. Thanks!
      And right? Eating frosting on the couch? Win.

      But I agree! the responsibilities suck sometimes!

  2. Right there with you on these. I ate too many Girl Scout cookies last night and could only blame myself. Boo :(

    1. Is it strange that I'm totally jealous that you got to eat Girl Scout Cookies last night??

  3. Completely agree - pretty much every time I have to do the laundry, dishes, or work when the rest of the office has left for the night, I curse being an adult. And then I get drunk, stay up way too late, or make delicious food (or eat frosting on the couch) and realize I guess it's not THAT bad...

    Also, I like how your work is like yeah we don't know what we're doing either. I need to get into your line of work. My work is happy to tell me how everything I'm doing is wrong ;)

    1. Oh, don't get me wrong - they're happy to tell me when I'm not doing something right! But it's more like once you peel back the layers your realize kind of everyone is winging it. :-) I want a glass of wine and some frosting!

  4. As I sit here at my job ignoring work I must agree with you completely. I had carrot cake for dinner last night (the carrots and raisins make it healthy) and wear glitter whenever possible be it shoes or make-up. But having a job means I can afford to plan another trip to Disney because it really is the happiest place on earth :)

    1. I love that you also wear glitter whenever possible. I'm a little disappointed with myself that nothing on my sparkles at the moment. But my pants ARE pink, so that has to count for something.

  5. "Until, you know, you find someone who’s ok with your glitter shoes and whose laugh you like a lot and realize that people have gotten together over a lot less, and so you go for gold. And then you make brand new people, tell them a bunch of stuff you made up that sounds believable, and go to your job to make decisions that may or may not be correct."

    Best description of adulthood ever. Also, glittery stuff rules. As does eating frosting on the couch.

    And I was TOTALLY winging it at my job today. I got asked a million questions and just... winged my way through nearly all of them. (I don't KNOW what plants work best in a "sort of shady but sort of really sunny but totally sheltered but floods when it rains" area, okay??? I'm sorry!!!)

    1. Haha, I loved that you winged yourself through your job today!! I'm glad I"m not the only one on some days. :-)

    2. It's really comforting knowing that other people wing it, too. And are just as confused about this whole "adulthood thing". I mean, I'm 34. When do I get to stop feeling like a fraud when I'm treated as an equal by other adults???

  6. Love it! It occurred to me the other day as I ate baked potato soup for the fourth night running at 11PM in the front of the TV, hey, this is awesome! I can eat whatever I want and eat dinner as late as I want! And then I ran out of money and ate ramen noodles for the next two and realized that I should probably work on ALL parts of being an adult, not just the "Hey, there's no one here to tell me what to do so I'll do stupid stuff!" portion. Great post!

    1. BEST. Mmmm...baked potato soup. I see nothing wrong with that.

  7. True. If you think people are making it all up now, wait until a hospital hands you a baby, says congratulations, and you realize you have NO idea what to do with this thing. That is when the "we are all making this up" thing hit me! (and it is possible that I would eat too much frosting too)

    1. Haha I've heard that! My friends are like 'Wait, you're just handing me this baby and I go home? That doesn't seem right.' Ahhh...parenthood. :-)

  8. This is actually a pretty decent summary of how life is. And it's funny. Which makes it even better. :D

  9. Haha I loved that your dad had a Beanie at 22 and you realized he was a person before a dad! My girls are always laughing at me in high school and realizing I was a person too.
    I think it took me to turn 40 to realize and feel like one of those adults who had tons of wisdom! and so etimes i still wonder! And yes half the time we are making up our parenting stuff!
    Visiting from sits!

    1. Thank you for visiting, I hope you come back!!

  10. I am so bad with eating little "dessert" snacks before dinner and it drives my husband crazy because the kids will see! And my dad ate (yes, ate) a flower my mom was wearing when she was going out with his roommate. I have a feeling there is an interesting story there that extends beyond what I've been told.

    1. Um, there's DEFINITELY a story there! We need it!!

  11. I love your thoughts on relationships. Made me laugh but it's all soo true! And eating frosting by the spoonful is amazing!
    Visiting from SITS!

    1. Thanks so much for visiting! Hope you come again!