Tuesday, October 9, 2012

And then there was the time that I ate out of the garbage.

I’m baaaaaaaaaack. So sorry to have ditched you for more than a week. I promise not to do that again! (until next time I have to go out of town on business).

Anyway, I have to admit that I’m still coming down off of the last week of various travels and so my brain isn’t working in its normal, obviously high functioning way. Also, to give you an example of how high functioning my mind typically is, this conversation happened between CB’s mom and me this weekend while we were in the Poconos Mountains:

Me: It’s so beautiful here, all the leaves changing, the mountains…..
CBM: It really is, it’s so peaceful.
Me: So what mountains are those, anyway?
CBM, staring at me because I’m an idiot: Uh, the Poconos Mountains…you know, because that’s where we are.
Me: Oh yeah, that totally makes sense!

In my defense, this could be anywhere
beautiful. With mountains. 
 And then she immediately sent CB a secret text message asking him to please break up with me so that we wouldn’t potentially have stupid children with sparkle shoes some day.

Whatever, I blame it on the fact that I was still delirious from my travels earlier in the week and so my ability to understand geography and how things are named totally went right into the garbage. And speaking of garbage, I had to eat my breakfast out of the trash on Sunday morning because CB hibernates like a bear in the winter time.

I know, right? Our pretend kids would totally have it made.

Let me explain. On Saturday, CB’s cousin and I drove over together and decided that we absolutely had to have car snacks. I mean, we were going to be traveling for nearly two hours, and if I’m in the car longer than about 20 minutes, you best have some treats or I might get cranky! So we got some goldfish crackers and did our best to make it to the bottom of the bag in 120 minutes or less. Unfortunately, it was a narrow miss and so I brought the remainder up to the room and threw the bag in the garbage.

Fast forward to the following morning when CB decided to sleep as long as humanly possible.

The first two hours were bearable. I took pictures of the sun rising over the Poconos MOUNTAINS, read a bit, and even laid in bed and tried to will myself back to sleep. There were a few times that I decided to interrupt CB’s snoring to ask him if he was “ready to eat yet?” and then got secretly annoyed with him for not understanding that my question had absolutely nothing to do with him or his food needs and everything to do with mine.

However, after my very obvious attempts at distracting myself and selflessly offering to help nourish my boyfriend in his sleepy time of need, my stomach started screaming at me because it doesn’t like to go without sustenance almost immediately upon waking up.

And that’s when I started to get desperate.

I dug around at the bottom of my bag to see if I’d forgotten about any plane treats from my earlier trip that were just sitting there begging to be eaten. I found a lint-y mint, but it tasted like keys and I have my standards, so that was a no-go.

So then I contemplated going downstairs by myself to eat breakfast, but then had visions of his family all thinking I was a selfish a-hole who couldn’t wait for the rest of them, which would obviously lead to them all sending CB more secret texts about our stupid and selfish pretend future kids. So that was a no-go, too.

Then finally, it hit me. Garbage Goldfish.

The scene of the crime. 
I’m not saying it was my proudest moment, but I’d also be lying if I said it was one of my worst.

Like an Olympic athlete sprinting to the finish line, I ran over to the garbage, saw the golden goodness staring back at me….and dug right in. But of course this is when CB decides to wake up, look over and say “Are you eating out of the garbage?”

I chose not to answer because my mouth was full, and so I just waved him back to sleep and went into the closet to eat in peace. And while in said closet, I decided to text my friends to get a reading on just how weird this actually was. I mean, sitting in a closet eating goldfish crackers for breakfast at a hotel doesn’t seem that bad, but again, my brain wasn’t at its most high-functioning, so I wanted some back-up.

And this is what I got:

Friend #1: “You missed one meal and now you’re apparently living like a homeless person! I always pack emergency snacks in my suitcase for just such occasions.”
Friend #2: “You ate the garbage goldfish?! Sweet Lord. I really hope (CB) appreciates the treasure he’s found in you. You’re like a helpless child. Go get yourself some coffee. If they sleep like normal people, you’ve got about another half hour to wait, so you might want to find some nourishment from somewhere other than the garbage. Put pants on, run out for coffee, come back, and I can promise either no one will notice or they’ll be grateful you can fend for yourself.”

Judge’s ruling on how we feel about my friends knowing full well that I hate pants and so, most likely, I was eating Garbage Goldfish pants-less in the closet?

Also, if you’re at all related to CB: I’m sorry he didn't fall for someone normal.

Happy Tuesday, everyone! So happy to be back!


  1. To quote: "I found a lint-y mint but it tasted like keys and I have my standards, so that was a no-go." LOL! It was apparently a "go" because you KNEW that the lint-y mint taste like keys!


  2. So is CB his actual name/initials, or does it stand for ”Cute (or Cool, or Cuddly,or...) Boyfriend”?

  3. Haha no, CB's not his real name, it's just something he came up with months ago - character boyfriend because he says that who I describe him as is just a characature of himself....I've never used his real name to spare him - I put enough of our business onto the blog as is :-)

  4. Hilarious!!! Visiting from SITS.

    1. Welcome!!! Thanks for reading! I'm going to go check you out now!

  5. Anybody who thinks this is weird or wrong has never lived in our perfectly normal brains. Listen, kid. I've done this more than once - most recently one week ago with pizza. No judgement zone. People suggest leaving my hotel room ALONE and got get coffee??? Do I want to be murder killed and left in a dumpster/forget which room - not to mention hotel I am staying in/interact with other humans/put on clothing? NO. NO. NO. You made the right decision. I won't even go get ice alone in a hotel for fear of ending up on a Law & Order:SVU episode. (Although it might be worth it to meet Ice-T!)

    1. Thank you!!! You understand my mind! (which should scare everyone).