Wednesday, October 17, 2012

On why I could totally be president and how to dress to impress.

I know this is going to come as a shock to you all, but this isn’t a political blog. It’s a sex blog, obviously. Duh.

So I don’t want any of what I’m about to say to be construed as me being anything close to resembling political. But I’m guessing that at least some of you watched the Presidential Debate last night and so I just have to say this:

They totally would’ve failed my debate class in high school.

Trend-setting in
the 90s. It was a tough
job, so obviously
someone else did it.
When I was a junior, I took Speech. I don’t know if that’s what it was actually called, but basically it was a class where you learn the art of public speaking in the form of being completely f’ing terrified to get up in front of your fellow classmates every 2-3 weeks to talk for 6 minutes. Also, let’s all keep in mind that I already had the art of dressing to impress down to a science, and so I just wanted to round out my whole image by really knocking it out of the park with my ability to convince people to side with me on all issues. So of course I chose the really controversial topic of turn signals. 

I know, right? I was always a trailblazer.

Look, there are very few things I remember about most classes I took in school, likely because I was busy socializing excessively in class. But there are definitely a few teachers and courses that really stuck out to me, and Speech was one of them. Why? Because I actually learned something useful that I could take into real life with me. Granted, when I speak publicly now for work I still want to vomit and get anxiety acne all across my chin. But the point is that everyone just thinks that’s how I always look and is super-impressed with my speaking and convincing abilities. Or so I tell myself as I apply the Proactive.

Regardless, I don’t know what speech-taking courses these politicians are taking, but they clearly didn’t go to Farmington High School because there was all kinds of learning going on up in that place.

They should take note:

  1. No put downs: this is a given, but it was no problem since everyone totally agreed with my notion that people should use their turn signals when they changed lanes because otherwise, that’s just rude.
  2. Team loses one point for each interruption: ok, so I didn’t have a team against my argument for using turn signals, but in some of the other debates, we did. And we absolutely got docked if we interrupted and it wasn’t our turn. I mean, those are just good Midwestern manners.
  3. In the first minute, you must lay out your argument clearly and concisely. People should use their turn signals when they’re changing lanes. BOOM. You’ve just been served.
  4. In the following three minutes, you must give specific examples with facts to back them up. My dad curses under his breath and sometimes puts his hands up in the air when someone cuts him off and they didn’t use their turn signal to let him know ahead of time that he was about to be all slowed down in the fast lane. Fact.
  5. Don’t be vague. Use clear and concise factual points to get your argument across. There are no two ways about it: people who don’t use their turn signals are suck-y drivers. 100% of non-suck-y drivers agree with this point.

Basically what I’m saying is this: vote for me and we’ll all be better drivers. I'm so sorry to have gotten so political but there are hot-button issues that just can't be ignored, people!  

Happy Hump Day! 

1 comment:

  1. I gotta admit that what passes for "Debate" is nothing but a cobbling of rules that both parties have argued for so that they have the easiest time making themselves look good rather than actually DEBATING the issues.

    I almost wish we'd nominated Gingrich ~just~ for the fact that he'd demand classic debating again.

    And a moon base. We ~so~ need a moon base.