On how being a woman is WAY better and why CB sometimes drinks whiskey during the week.

So this morning I woke up to a scribbled note by the bedside that read “Mean to men?” and the word “pillow” written next to it, which lead me to conclude the following:  1, I really shouldn’t be allowed to sleep around potentially sharp objects like a pen because I might lose an eye and 2, I’m much nicer in my sleep thoughts towards CB than in my awake thoughts.

Let me explain.

You see, CB has a number of incredible qualities: he’s kind, funny, smart, honest. But he has one quality that has made me contemplate smothering him with a pillow every night of our lives for more than a year now: he snores louder than a fog horn.

And instead of doing the rational, reasonable thing and purchasing nose strips for him or ear plugs for me, I’ve gone down a slightly different route that includes nudging him, rolling him over, and inadudibly yelling his name angrily from the other side of the bed to make sure that he wakes up as much as I’m waking up.

CB: You know, when I snore it means I’m sleeping soundly.
Me: Uh, yeah, but I’m not.
CB: Ok, but does that mean that both of us have to not get a good night’s sleep?
Me: Um, yes. And duh.

Keep in mind that this conversation happens weekly, usually when we’re both really not grumpy at all, and everyone in Hudson County can feel the love.

But the other night, out of the blue, I had an “Eureka!” moment and woke him up from a dead, snoring sleep to tell him my exciting new idea.

Me: I’ve got it! It’s the pillows!
CB: grumble grumble grumble
Me: It’s the pillows! Give me that pillow (yanking the second pillow from under his head)
CB: Um…..
Me: I think you’re snoring because you’re too propped up all night! The nights that you don’t snore are when I have all of the pillows and you just have one. So that’s it! You’ll just sleep with one pillow from now on.
CB: Um…..
Me: Goodnight!

And then he didn’t snore and I was totally right.

However, what I failed to do, is, um, ask him if this was at all comfortable. But because he’s nicer than me in just a general way, he rolled over, went to sleep, and realized that that was probably easier than having this conversation with me for 5 more seconds.

Cut to: last night. We’re going on day three or four of the no snoring phenomenon and it’s working out quite well for me, I must say. But last night, I woke up around 3am and CB was wide awake because he couldn’t sleep, and suddenly I was struck with an enormous amount of guilt.

I'm not an actual witch.
I just play one in my sleep, sometimes.

Me: Do you want a second pillow?
CB: No, this is comfortable, it’s not that. I just keep tossing and turning.
Me: Are you sure it’s not the pillow?
CB: It’s not the pillow.

And then I got up and scribbled the note about being mean because I knew my real-life mind would just forget all about this and I’d never know that I had a moment of pure clarity about how mean us ladies can be sometimes.  

Also, by “us ladies,” it’s possible that I just mean me. But I’m going out on a limb here to say that I’m not alone in this camp?

And I realize that I might get hate mail from people screaming about equality and our oppression over centuries and blah blah blah (bring it). I’m with you, I’ve got it, and if I hadn’t spent too much money on my bra, I’d burn it right there along side of you.

But in light of the fact that every ridiculous sit-com on television depicting a married couple shows the guy as a babbling idiot who can barely tie his own shoes while the woman runs circles around him, I think it’s important for both parties to acknowledge when we’re being slightly less than totally fair to the other. Also, those sit-coms make me sad for a world like that and Tim Allen and Homer Simpson really should have more respect for themselves.  

But I think we’d be remiss not to at least acknowledge some of the stuff we ask of/expect our hairier halves to do.

In no particular order, and on any given day, I will:

• Ask (sort of?) CB to move over so I can take up most of the couch and be cozy while he occupies the square inch in the corner and becomes a human pillow
• Take the pillow from under his head while he’s sleeping (this has already been established)
• Make him either open or close a window, turn on the heat or the a/c, depending on my body temperature, not his
• Ask him (again, sort of) to lift things that I can lift because I’m lazy
• Answer the door when the pizza guy comes because it gives me anxiety (but I totally call every time, so let’s call it a draw)
• Be moody and contradictory when there’s no beer in the house
• Watch anything on Bravo, the WE channel, or the Oprah Network ever

And that’s just the beginning, ladies, trust me. I’ll sleep with a pen again tonight and write down stuff that my conscious mind is way too ashamed to remember while I’m awake.

But am I alone here or do we sometimes take advantage of being the fairer sex? And guys (the whole 3 of you who read this blog) – what do you think?

Happy Wednesday, everyone!