And then I became a doctor.

So last night, CB was filling out a litany of forms for an upcoming sleep study his ENT has recommended. This is something he’s incredibly excited about and doesn’t blame me for at all. I mean, just because I was the one who hounded him about making an ENT appointment for a year, sent him the ENT’s phone number and address, and then cheered when he made the appointment, doesn’t mean that I really had that much to do with it at all, nor can I be blamed if the sleep study makes him hate life.

Anyway, since I’ve woken up one too many times wondering whether CB was still breathing, only to be startled into complete awake mode when he gasp-snores his way back to the light, we collectively decided he should go get it checked out.

So, in a valiant effort to make sure he gets or stays healthy, he let the ENT do all sorts of fun things with tubes and his nose. This was followed by a referral to a Sleep Clinic, hence, the forms he’s now having to fill out and the joy he feels about our relationship with every passing day.

An added bonus to all of this, of course, is that I was proven 100% correct and, I think, may have actually earned my M.D. last night by sheer correctness.

You see, CB likes to tease me at times because I’m what some might call…kind of lame. I like to go to bed early, wake up early, nap if possible, and be cozy and sleepy on the couch in the interim. Wait, scratch that – I don’t like to go to bed early, it’s just that I must go to bed early so I can function as a semi-normal human person during my waking hours. Because, inexplicably, if I go to bed at 9pm or 3am, my body still wakes up at 7am like clockwork.

However, without even realizing it, turns out I’m a Champion Sleeper. See below.

(This is from one of the pamphlets provided in the sleep study packet about attaining an optimal night’s sleep):

Stick to a Sleep Schedule

Go to bed and get up at the same time every day, even on weekends, holidays and days off. Being consistent reinforces your body's sleep-wake cycle and helps promote better sleep at night.

Me: “See!”
CB: “Ok, but you don’t so much stick to a sleep schedule as you do just wake up at the same time every day.”
Me: “Um, that’s a schedule.”
CB: “But it’s not by choice. Your body just does it because you’re a freak.”
Me: “I just think my body is ahead of normal human science and intuitively knows that it’s doing me a favor.”
CB: “Yeah, that sounds likely.”

Create a bedtime ritual

Do the same things each night to tell your body it's time to wind down. This might include taking a warm bath or shower, reading a book, or listening to soothing music — preferably with the lights dimmed. Relaxing activities can promote better sleep by easing the transition between wakefulness and drowsiness.

Every night before bed, I half-doze on the couch while we watch the Mets, finally get up around 9-9:15 to go to the bed, put my eye mask on my forehead, perhaps read a chapter or two of my book, insert my ear plugs because of the gasp-snores, turn off the light, pull down the eye mask, and go to bed. BOOM. Bedtime ritual. I’m a genius.

Also, CB can hardly contain himself on a nightly basis when he sees the beauty that is my nighttime ritual.

It's a welcoming site.

Get comfortable

Create a room that's ideal for sleeping. Often, this means cool, dark and quiet. Consider using room-darkening shades, earplugs, a fan or other devices to create an environment that suits your needs.

I mean, it’s like I wrote this stuff myself. 

Me: “This is uncanny. I knew all of this without even knowing that I was doing it right. I told you the air conditioning helps us sleep!”
CB: “It helps me sleep because then you’re not complaining about how hot it is.”
Me: “See? It works for us both. Plus, the eye mask? Darkness. The quiet? Ear plugs! Seriously, I’m sort of in awe at how spot on this is.”
CB: “I’m sort of in awe of the fact that somehow, even if we’re doing it all right, I’m still doing this sleep study.”
Me: “Because you might have sleep apnea.”
CB: “But I’m never tired, I don’t nap, and if anything, all of the things on the list of questions about how my sleep apnea might  affect me doesn’t apply to me, they apply to you.”
Me: “Exactly. Your sleep apnea is affecting my sleep, hence, you have to do the sleep study to fix it.”
CB: “There’s something wrong with this picture.” 

Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear that I obviously missed my calling as a physician, especially in light of the discovery years ago that I did not, in fact, miss my calling in criminal justice.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!