Monday, January 6, 2014

You Say You Want a Resolution....

So now that we’ve entered yet another new year, I think it’s only appropriate that I share with you my non-exercise-related resolutions. And basically the only reason I’m not sharing my exercise-related resolutions with you is because that’s boring and also I don’t want to be held accountable when I decide that “exercise” is best described as “eating the leftover Christmas chocolate in the refrigerator.”

Anyway.

Some of these will be harder than others, but I figure if I put it out into the blogesphere - which is well known for holding people accountable and also talking about whether Kim Kardashian waxes her baby’s eyebrows – I might have a fighting chance at keeping a few. So here we go.

Resolution #1: Possibly stop reading Oprah articles
Ok, so last night I decided that, instead of reading the book I borrowed from my parents that has me re-reading several pages in a row because I get distracted easily, I’d read the O Magazine that I bought and didn’t read on my plane ride to and from my trip home over the holiday. So I’m thumbing through the articles and happen upon a section that’s all about, like, improving yourself in the new year and stuff and started reading a blurb about how to describe your online self better.  

Or I think that’s what it was about. It was only about 150 words but I read just the middle to last part of it because it was basically talking about accurately describing yourself for your Twitter profile and not stressing about it and I was confused that this was a thing.

However, I then read the next part:

“Reveal your job, then toss in a personal throwaway about loving bacon or jazz. It shows you’re human.”

Wait, am I’m supposed to tell someone what I do for a living and then be like “I also like bacon! I’m a human not a robot!”? And then I got stressed that I’m doing human interacting wrong, even when online.

So I moved on to the next piece of advice. Obviously.

THIS one was about helping to feel less stressed, which of course we can all benefit from and so I jumped right on board! Especially since the last tidbit about describing my human qualities stressed me out.

“When you’re feeling frazzled, adopt an attitude of acceptance,” suggests meditation expert and psychotherapist Tara Brach: “Notice what’s going on inside you and mentally whisper ‘yes’ to the experience; ‘yes’ to the anxiety, ‘yes’ to the tension, ‘yes’ to the irritation. With each yes, you give space for the experience to unfold.”

So, ok, I have a few questions here. First of all, is it just me, or do others not want to give space to their anxiety and tension? Or wait, am I doing anxiety and tension wrong? See, this is why I can’t do yoga and also clearly don’t visit a psychotherapist on a regular basis. Also, I already have trouble keeping thoughts on the inside, according to CB, and I sometimes talk out loud my thoughts without realizing it. So what will happen if I am just sitting at my desk at work and am like ‘Yes’ every time a stressful email comes through? Is this a thing?

Ok, Oprah, you are rich and powerful and have infinitely better skin at 60 than I do at 36, so I’ll give it a go. Yes, yes, yes! But also I might stop reading your magazine.

Resolution #2:  Focus less on your forehead lines.
Well, this might change now that I’m supposed to just yes my stress and tension into and out of my life. And if I yes them into my life I will at least solve the problem of looking randomly surprised on the subway and at my desk when I do my exercise to stretch away the lines. Which obviously has been scientifically proven to work.

Very important to note that this is my
forehead at rest. I'm not actively 

scowling and/or mad at you.

I honestly didn’t notice until someone brought it up a few years ago that I could use some Botox on my forehead lines. And then I said no thank you because I would for sure be the one in million person to get Stroke Face from my Botox-gone-wrong vanity party for one.

So, I decided that I'd (a) embrace them and (b) stretch them. 


Do I have cross eyes? 

This is me when I’m looking surprised and stretching the lines so they don’t get too comfy. I’m not a well woman. And yes, this is a real thing I do. And yes, I took a picture just for you guys. 

Resolution #3: I will continue not saying “totes.”
You’re welcome.


Resolution #4: I will attempt to stop saying “Ooooh this is an easy one” or “Ooooh this is hard” before reading Trivial Pursuit questions while playing with my friends.
Because apparently this is super annoying?

Resolution #5: Will try not to roll my eyes as much and/or tune out CB when he talks about golf, golfers, or things related to either.
Actually, scratch that. I need to set attainable goals.

And finally….Resolution #6: Will try to be less ‘bad crazy.’
Have we talked about this before? I can’t remember, but just to recap, I have a theory that there’s good crazy and bad crazy. And as much as I try to tell CB that I’m obviously the good crazy, he reminds me that “crazy is crazy and maybe just try not to be either one?” But of course that’s a silly suggestion because, have we met?

Example of good crazy: Doing the surprised face in public and not realizing people might be seeing you. OR being cool, calm, and collected while describing to your significant other why leaving the cabinet doors open after taking a glass out is something that should cause everyone extreme amounts of anxiety and REALLY PLEASE JUST DON’T DO IT.

And then they do this to prove to you that they love you and
you are good crazy and won't freak out. 

Example of bad crazy: Talk-crying through an explanation of why you were totally fine that your significant other wanted to watch “American Horror Story” while you wanted to watch “When Harry Met Sally” and that you only were upset that you thought he wanted to watch “When Harry Met Sally”, too. Which obviously is a reason to start quiet-crying on the couch during a commercial.

IT HAPPENED MONTHS AGO, BUT I NEEDED AN EXAMPLE. (also I'm putting in our wedding vows that he can commit me if I do this again). 


So ok, I’ve shared with you, now you share with me! Did you guys make resolutions that you can share? 

9 comments:

  1. "I would for sure be the one in million person to get Stroke Face from my Botox-gone-wrong vanity party for one."

    I'm totally worried about this happening to me as well. It is the ONLY reason I haven't pulled the trigger. I CANNOT STOP FOCUSING ON THE 11s!!!! It also doesn't help when the boyfriend says every morning, "Why are you scowling?" when I'm really just looking at Facebook on my phone. Face at rest. Or, so I though. Sigh.

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    1. Yes! You understand exactly where I'm coming from!

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  2. These cracked me up, but I nodded my head along with a lot of them for myself for 2014! Hopefully totes will go away forever in 2014! :D

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  3. Ok "bad crazy" so there, of course I am also there with the "good crazy" so clearly although loathe to admit, perhaps I need to work on my "crazy / crazy" for the New Year? Hmmm perhaps I shall file that away for one of those days in June when I have nothing to do. Wait no getting married in June, perhaps July? No there is the fourth of July clearly that will take up the whole month. Hmmm surely there is a day some time this New Year, that I can work on this... perhaps not. :)

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  4. Gah, I'm obsessed with my forehead lines too!! It's why I have bangs.

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  5. Having leftover Christmas chocolate is bad crazy.

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  6. Were you in my kitchen taking pictures, because this is exactly how my cupboards look after my husband is home all day. Apparently this has been an issue since childhood, but his mother was never really able to fix it.
    I tend not to say whether a question is easy or hard. Instead, I make weird noises indicating this. It's probably way more annoying. :(

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