Conversations from Cohabitation

The other night, while watching a show where someone got stung by a jellyfish:

Me: “I’ve heard that’s awful. This is yet another reason not to ever go in the ocean.”
CB: “Yeah, getting stung hurts like nothing else.”
Me: “You say that like you’ve gotten stung before.”
CB: “Yeah, I’m sure I have.”
Me: “Wait. You’ve gotten stung by a jellyfish?”
CB: “Sure.”
Me: “Sure? You are being very casual about being stung by an ocean predator.”
CB, laughing: “I mean, it’s pretty common.”
Me: “In what universe is it common to get stung by a jellyfish?”
CB: “At the Jersey Shore it happens all the time!”
Me: “First of all, I don’t hear of it happening all the time because that’s insane. Second of all, when was it that you got stung by a jellyfish?”
CB: “I don’t know, but I’m sure I have.”
Me: “Um, I feel like you’re lying without even realizing it. Nobody is this nonchalant about getting stung by a jellyfish. I mean, I got stung by a bee once and I’ve told you that story at least a dozen times in a variety of contexts. If I got stung by a jellyfish, you’d never hear me talk about anything else.”
CB: “I know.”
Me: “But seriously. How are you just casually assuming you got stung? That’s not normal.”
CB: “I don’t know, Beck, but it’s just not a big deal. I don’t know why we’re even still talking about this.”
Me: “I will never stop bringing this up until I get to the bottom of it. Either you’re casually assuming you got stung but don’t actually remember it, which makes you a crazy person, or you did get stung and you are being so casual I’m worried what other terrible things have happened to you that you haven’t shared yet.”
CB: “This conversation is getting to the top of my list at the moment.”
Me: “So goes the story of your life.”

***

Me, looking out our bedroom window at three men on a roof a few streets away.

Me: “There are more guys on the roof!”
CB, not looking: “The same roof?”
Me: “How do I know if it’s the same roof? It’s in the same general area as that one guy we saw shoveling snow off his roof a few months ago. But I don’t know if it’s the exact same house.”
CB, looking out the window: “I don’t see any guys.”
Me, pointing: “Right there!”
CB, continuing to look: “Are you hallucinating?”
Me: “Right there.”
CB, finally seeing the men: “Oh wow, how on earth did you see that far away?”
Me: “ It’s like three blocks. It’s not that far.”
CB: “What do you have, like, Superman eyesight?”
Me: “Is that a thing?”
CB: “What?”
Me: “Superman eyesight. Did he have really good eyesight or something?”
CB, looking at me in shock and disgust: “It’s Superman! He had incredible everything!”
Me: “But, like, was eyesight something that was highlighted?”
CB: “Oh my God, how do you not know who Superman is?”
Me: “Of course I know who Superman is. I just didn’t know he was known for having 20/20 vision.”
CB: “Beck, he’s Superman.”
Me: “You keep saying that like it should mean something to me. Have we met?”
CB: “I literally think you live in a bubble.”
Me: “It’s the only way I survive.”

Happy Monday, everyone!