Wednesday, April 23, 2014

What I know for sure is that I might not be a grown up.

So, I hate to shock you, but I’m pretty sure that I am only marginally qualified to be an adult.

You see, it occurred to me recently that I spend several moments of nearly each day wondering how on earth I have become what regular society considers grown up. I mean, let’s get real – the fact that it’s not state-mandated that I be consistently supervised by someone more adult-like is sort of a marvel, and also speaks to broader issues facing our nation today. To be fair, though, I have CB in our home to help out with things that require any semblance of patience or reading directions. But then he lets me go off to work on my own and my bosses trust me to do stuff related to my job! It’s nuts.

Also, we talk about having kids one day, which not only mildly terrifies us both, but also terrifies my wilting, geriatric eggs (thanks, science!) into being like ‘Please don’t pick me.’ Which they should know by now just makes me want to pick them out of spite.

I’m going to be a terrific mom.

But then I got to thinking: is it just me or is part of being a grown up simply pretending to be a grown up? Also, when do you start to feel like one? Do you have to sign up for a class or something or are these moments I’m experiencing on a near-daily basis just part of the grand master plan to trick kids into listening and following directions so our world doesn’t completely implode?  

Here are a few examples:

-The other day I found myself wandering around my apartment looking for my phone, even going so far as to open the refrigerator just in case (it’s been known to happen.) And after about three frantic minutes of being like “My phone ran away!”, which seemed like a pretty reasonable assumption, I realized that it was in my hand that was waving around in panic. And then I looked around and started laughing to myself like a crazy person because these are the things that will get me put into the home in fifty years when my resentful kids are sick of my “quirks."

-I have no problem eating an entire sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies while binge-watching old episodes of a show I’ve already seen just because I can. Which I must admit is a pretty awesome bi-product of adulthood, but also sort of maybe negates what an adult is? To be fair, I don’t have good boundaries with food and so I typically just don’t have stuff I like in the house. Otherwise, I’ll literally eat until my stomach hurts and then CB is like “No seriously, one human person shouldn’t consume that much non-food in one sitting.” And then I get mad at him for letting me eat an entire bag of jelly beans because he knows I can’t stop on my own. 

This is more or less how I
feel at any given moment in a day.
Not surprisingly, these are similar conversations I used to have with my parents when they’d find wrappers strategically hidden under my bed because I was bored-eating while reading the Babysitters Club series out loud to my pretend classroom. What?

-Even though I’ve been performing the act of shaving my legs for more than two decades now, I am physically unable to not cut myself on that one spot behind my knee and also on the side of my ankle. Was there a class on shaving that I missed? Are these parts of your bodies that, for evolutionary reasons, should be fuzzy to, like, keep me warm? Because I’m pretty sure the skin that exists in those two spots is baby skin that keeps having to grow in every week or two when I’m like “Oh, I’ve totally got this” and then a little trickle of blood runs down my leg and I’m like “I do not have this” and curse in the shower and then wince as the hot water hits the cut. And then do that exact same thing the following week. Am I doing shaving wrong? Isn’t this something that should’ve kicked in by now? 

-I have pretend conversations with Oprah in the mirror. Like, I’ll be doing my hair in the morning as I get ready for work, and in the middle of blow-drying I’ll start to imagine what sorts of questions she would ask me if I were a celebrity. I mean, it gets involved, you guys.  

Until I realize that, um, grown-ups don’t play pretend? Also, I’m completely making this one up unless you guys can relate. In which case, I’ve got the answer to her patented “What do you know for sure?” question nailed, if you need tips. 

***


So is it just me, or is this just part of being a grown-up? Does anyone feel like an adult out there? 

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

17 comments:

  1. Same here. I'm almost 40, and I feel like I'm 12. Of course, it doesn't help that vitamins for adults are now available in gummies, and the mother on Awkward acts like a 15 year old. Everything around me seems to be saying "Keep being immature, if you can't be young."

    ReplyDelete
  2. You will find me comfortably seated in the Peter Pan Club. I am gainfully employed, pay my bills on time, and live on my own which I think makes me an adult. But I also enjoy going to see G-rated movies, recently discovered comic books, and enjoy dressing in costume on days that are not Halloween. And open bags of candy don't last long around me either. I can also make a giant bowl of popcorn and call that dinner. So no, you're not the only one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha I, too, have called a bowl of popcorn dinner on occasion! It's nice to be understood :-)

      Delete
  3. I have called popcorn dinner. I have called ice cream dinner. I too, wonder why my bosses think I'm able to handles things.... I'm going to be 39 in Aug and even though I'm married, employed full time, have a mortgage, both of my cars are paid off, I feel 25. I think my deal is that maybe my friends professions feel more important than mine. They are attorneys, teachers and police. I don't know. But it sure is fun to boss around my nieces and nephews and mayyybeee they think I'm an adult! At least someone does!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha well if it helps at all, I have friends who I see as having more important jobs than mine, and they're just as clueless (sorry, those friends!). I'm really comforted knowing that we're all completely clueless. Also slightly terrified.

      Delete
  4. I just had a baby and thought *for sure* I would feel like an adult after that. Verdict: not so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Good to know for the future.....

      Delete
  5. I am 40...and I couldn't be less adult like. People always say you seem so much younger..for a bit I assumed it was my plump cheeks..then I realized (as in a friend said so) its because I behave so "childish"...um whatev..dorks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my God that happens to me, too! I always thought it was my youthful good looks (obviously) but slowly I'm realizing it's my youthful personality. I prefer "youthful" to childish. Also, your friend is just obviously jealous, pay no mind.

      Delete
  6. I am 30, and had my son when I was much younger (21). Somedays I honestly look at him and think 'Holy crap I'm his mom' like I just can't even believe I've made it this far. Most of the time I think people probably believe we are siblings, but not because of my looks, but because of the way we act together! I also get upset when he doesn't want to go see the latest Disney movie with me, things like that, because I enjoy them so much!
    Also last night I ate chips and guacamole for dinner. So there's that. Plus my son's easter candy won't last long around me!
    Love your blog, first comment for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always figured kids would make me feel that way, too, but what you've said is similar to what friends with kids have told me. Who knew our parents were just faking it that whole time? Such a scam!

      Thanks for reading AND commenting! I love comments, so hopefully I'll see your name pop up again! :-)

      Delete
  7. This post cracked me up. I am 27, married, have a mortgage, 2 paid off cars, and a steady full time job, but most of the time I still prefer to sit at the kids table at family gatherings and am often dancing around my house in my underware simply because I can!! It's weird how as a kid you invision adulthood being so much different. I have been reading your blog for several months now and I love it! Sometimes I think the conversations you and CB have are stolen from my husband and I. Thanks for sharing your life adventures with us and making me feel a little more normal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for reading! You know, you're not the first person to tell me that our conversations remind someone of their relationship....which is both comforting and slightly terrifying for the state of romance? :-) Thanks for reading (and commenting!). Also, at nearly 10 years younger, you are (at least on paper) WAY more of an adult than me. So well done!

      Delete
  8. How to tell if you're an adult:

    1 - You order the salad instead of fries at restaurants. When you get home, you eat an entire bag of chips to compensate.
    2 - Nobody asks you for I.D at the liquor store. When you get home, you drink the entire bottle of wine to celebrate.
    3 - When it's cold outside, you wear a jumper. When you get home, you change into your tutu and gumboots, because they're so comfortable.
    4 - If you're talking to younger relatives, you start your funniest stories with "When I was your age....". When you get home, you marvel that the cousin you used to babysit now has a drivers license.
    5 - You blush whenever anyone mentions Granny Pants, because you're wearing them. When you get home, you change into a lacy g-string - before realising that it doesn't look so good under the tutu, so you change back into the Granny Pants.
    6 - You take naps because you want to, not because you have to.
    7 - You try not to laugh when someone farts at an office meeting. Especially if it was you.
    8 - You actually like carrots now.
    9 - You know who the president is without looking it up on Google.
    10 - You have worked out that a sleeve of cookies or a box of Milk Duds is a single serve, and therefore should be eaten in a single sitting.

    I really mean it about number 10. If we weren't meant to eat that many cookies, they'd make the packets smaller.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You just had me laughing out loud! #6 is a must and #7 JUST HAPPENED the other day and I almost lost it. This was a perfect list!

      Delete
  9. I'm 35. My daughter will be 15 in 3 months. I'm living with my longtime boyfriend. My bills are paid on time every month.

    And I still don't feel like an adult. At all. I feel like a total adult fraud. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Also, I just had 2 rows of cookies from the Chips Ahoy package and a diet Dew for breakfast. It was tasty.

    ReplyDelete