Wednesday, March 20, 2013

No Money, Mo' Problems.

So yesterday, someone stole all of my money and then, in my mind, skipped all around their house as they purchased various electronic devices and pieces of stylish clothing online.

Also, it makes me jealous that someone who stole my money spent it on cooler stuff than I do. Like, I bought a bushel of grapes this morning. Thief with my money? Flat screen tv.

Anyway, after panic-calling my bank and the credit card company, I attempted to carry on professional work conversations while not throwing up all over my keyboard because of anxiety. And after an hour of that,  I decided that I should go to the bank and make sure there wasn’t anything else I could do to make this not be happening.

So, a friend and I walked down to the bank to talk to the manager who, it should be noted, for sure took a course in active listening and reflective speech. I felt like I was getting banking advice and sitting in a therapists office all at the same time. Which was useful, because I needed both and so it felt good to be efficient.

Me: "I’m glad that it’ll hopefully just be a few days. Otherwise, you guys would see me sleeping outside of the bank making sad faces in the window." 
Bank manager: "I can appreciate that this must be frustrating and it sounds like it could be a inconvenient for you for a few days." 
Me: "Yeah. The reason I’d be sleeping outside of the bank is because I would have no money." 
Bank manager: "I understand."  
Me: "So ok, thanks for this information, I appreciate the help."  
Bank manager: "You’re very welcome, and I’m sorry this is happening, it sounds like it must be frustrating for you."  
Me: "Thanks. Also, could you do me a favor and just think really good banking thoughts for me for the next few days? We’ll be doing it (motioning to my friend) and I feel like the more people who think good banking thoughts, the better."  
Bank manager, nervously laughing and looking uncomfortable.  
Me: "I mean, you don’t have to devote all of your energy to it, but just a few good thoughts every hour or so would be awesome."  
Bank manager, staring nervously because this wasn’t taught in Therapy Banking Class. 
Me, to my friend as we walked away: "I think I just terrified him. They’re definitely changing the locks the moment we leave."
Friend: "One hundred percent."

"Abracadabra...give me back my money."
Anyway, as it turns out, good banking thoughts don’t go nearly as far as they used to, and so I decided that I needed to come up with another strategy. 

And so I went to Oprah for advice. Obviously

Cut to: me listening to Oprah and Deepak Chopra talk about meditating for sixteen minutes while I nervously changed all of my passwords and put extra alerts on all of my accounts.

Turns out, Oprah and Deepak are doing a 21-Day Meditation Challenge and want me to join in. And they’re totally richer than me. So I’m definitely meditating.

The only problem is that I’m wildly unfocused when it comes to meditating, yoga, or sitting still, and so I think the word “challenge” will be the operative one here. I mean, I’m totally focused at work, when people aren’t taking my money. And I’m totally focused when I run on the treadmill, but that’s helped out by my Beyonce mix.

But when I’m sitting and listening to Oprah’s voice telling me about the journey to perfect health through meditation, all I can think about is the time that Oprah ran that marathon and totally beat my marathon time, which got me to thinking about how unfair it is that Oprah is both richer and faster than me.

And then I started thinking about how many times Oprah had to read this sixteen minute speech to me on her website, because I’ve heard that those things can take, like, days to get right when people are reading their books on tape. And so I was making bets with myself about how long it took her to get it right.

And then I started wondering whether Oprah makes Steadman do all of this stuff with her, or if he thinks it’s all hogwash, and then I had to Google where the word “hogwash” came from, and then the sixteen minutes were up and I had no idea what she’d said.

And then I realized that this 21 Day Challenge is going to be unbearable. So I ate a piece of pizza and counted the pennies in my wallet instead.

But what do you think? Should I take the challenge? It could make for some good blog material….

Happy Wednesday, everyone! 


  1. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm definitely sending good banking thoughts your way. I'm not a banker, but still...good thoughts are GREAT thoughts! I think you should go for the 21-day challenge. What's the worst that could happen? Like you said, it could make great blogging material and the rest of us might learn something from your 21-day experience, or laugh about it. After all, laughter is the best medicine. No charge for that advice. ;-)

  2. Sending happy banking wishes your way! And today is my birthday so I feel like my wishes should be granted right?!

    I absolutely hate when that happens and then you're cut off for a week without any cash! Especially frustrating when you know someone else got a lot of cool stuff :( sorry...

    Also selfishly think you should take the challenge because I'm going to get the pleasure of reading :)

  3. I have yet to try meditation, because basically the thoughts going through my head would be pretty much the same ones going through yours. Ok, maybe not quite those thoughts, but my mind would definitely wander (which also makes it hard to fall asleep sometimes).

    And that stinks about your money. I've been there, it's so stressful :-/ Sending positive banking vibes your way!

    1. Thanks so much for the positive banking vibes! They're working! :-)

  4. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do this challenge.

    1. Hahahah that seems to be the unanimous vote....

  5. That sucks!!! I'm sending good banking vibes your way.

  6. I can't meditate either. I'd either fall asleep or be continuously interrupted by my children. I can send you good banking thoughts, though they'll come on a random schedule. :)

    1. Thank you for the good thoughts - I'll take 'em!

  7. You should say a prayer to St. Joseph the Banker. That would be my Geandfather and he was a baker For Life. As in guys would call him in retirement to try to sell him insurance and he'd keep them on the phone for 3 hours talking shop just because he liked it and missed it. Never bought any thing, just liked to talk money.

  8. At least you were distracted from your banking situation while you were googling and eating pizza and listening to Oprah...