Monday, April 15, 2013

Becoming a Woman and Walking like a Fawn: A Lesson in Fashion.



Sometimes, in spite of the glitter and my intense love for romantic comedies, I fail at being a woman. But not in the Sheryl Sandberg-esque, “I can’t have it all and I make seventy cents to your dollar” kind of way. I kill it when it comes to that. Obviously.

No, I mean in the everyday, blatant ways, leading me to deduce that I may have missed a day or two in school when All Girls learned how to do girl things, like own more than one dress or walk in heels without looking like a day old fawn.

However, as with any A list rom-com, I sort of turn things around right before it gets way too campy and unbelievable, emerging down the spiral staircase looking like that super pretty actress that they had to ugly-down for the role in order to pretty-up halfway through so that Freddie Prinze Jr. would fall in love with her and take her to the prom.

It was so much easier
when you could just
rock a bitchin' barrette
and call it a day.
Case in point: within the course of a seven week period, CB and I have three weddings to attend. And while I didn’t know for quite some time that you couldn’t just own one black dress that’s kind of shapeless and wear it to everything requiring heels, I found this out recently when I started looking at pictures from the last two years and couldn’t distinguish between the events because my outfit, hair, and date were the exact same.

Also, in my defense, I actually think having the same date isn’t a faux pas, and if anything, is the mark of a healthy relationship. But if I’d been a bit less discretionary in my life choices, I may have been able to look at that wedding from 2011 and say “Well, that was obviously Susan’s wedding, because my date was that guy who drank too much and then groped the bride’s mother during the cocktail hour while I was busy convincing the DJ to do a killer Beyonce mash-up.”

But since CB insists on going to all of these functions with me, I’ve had to step up my game. And by “step up my game” I mean that some friends have decided to take pity and charity-dress me so that they can post these pictures on Facebook without having to explain to others that I was some style-less party crasher who’d never heard of Rent the Runway.

Cut to: Me standing near-naked in Jen’s bedroom with six or seven elegant dresses sprawled out on the bed while she and Danielle gave me explicit orders from the other side of the door.

Jen: “You have to come out, even if it doesn’t look good.”
Danielle: “Hurry up and get out here. And put on the shoes, we want to see the whole package.”

Oh, something you should know about me. I have the type of body that linebackers and Sherpa’s covet, complete with broad shoulders and a strapping back that’s perfect for muling large packages across borders and stopping quarterbacks in their tracks.  And while these features have been known to cause one or two massive and tearful breakdowns in various Macy’s dressing rooms over the years, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to embrace these characteristics and have convinced myself that it somehow means that I won’t, like, get back cancer or something because I’m way too strong and sturdy.

But sometimes this makes for a challenging excursion with fashion, since these features are deceptive. I look all normal and regular-backed until you get about an inch from the top of the zipper, just when you think maybe your arm will snap off because you’ve contorted it in such an unnatural way just to get the zipper nearly all the way up your back. And then you realize that, inexplicably, it won’t quite make it.

So I was fully prepared for such an event, having to explain to my friends that the gorgeous Vera Wang was super killer, but only if it came in size Football Player. However, I was pleasantly surprised that, aside from a few moments of Group Zip*, this didn’t go half badly. 

But while I’ve fully committed to gowns and glamour, what I’ve yet to embrace is how on earth anyone can walk in heels.

First of all, it was like a Natural Geographic special where Jen and Danielle were the scientists/explorers and I was the rare species of Not Quite Girl walking down the hallway with wobbly ankles and a pained look of disgust (in my inabilities, as well as the cruelty of the design of All Heels) and anxiety on my face. Let's get real, I’m semi-surprised they didn’t have cameras out while pointing and whispering.

Danielle: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in heels. Or a dress. But you’re kind of walking like a baby giraffe.”
Jen: “Are you ok? Do you want us to come to you? You’re walking really slowly.”

But hang on. Oh my God, you guys. Have we actually just gone ahead and gotten on board with heels? 
Also, have we all watched “Pretty Woman” one too many times? Because while I remember wearing heels at prom and not ending up in a body cast, I do not remember the heels being eight inches tall.

However, if this is what it's come to, I will fully need CB to carry me around every wedding reception from hereon out, stopping periodically so I can grab a vodka and a pig in a blanket or two. 

Wait, hold on. Come to think of it, ladies, this is genius! Well done and I take it all back. 

So regardless of whether I'm able to physically walk or bend over, I now have both a dress and heels, and I'm sort of smokin', if I do say so myself. And really, if I've learned anything during this Fashion Evolution, it's that breathing, walking, and sitting down are highly overrated activities while Looking Hot. 

Challenge Accepted.  

*You know what Group Zip is. It’s when you bring in everyone within the vicinity of your dressing room to pull that damned dress together and get it to zip. It usually entails moments of shouting “Don’t breathe!” and saying a silent prayer to your God that it won’t split in two, met with audible sighs of relief when it finally clasps and you haven’t passed out.










62 comments:

  1. I know that group zip well after having two kids, lol!! But seriously used to love heels and now I just want my flip flops!! :) Congrats again on your SITS Day and am happily following you all over now. Hope you will do the same at: Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic.

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    1. Oh thanks so much! I'm going to check out your blog!! Thanks!

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  2. LOVE IT! I've been on flats for some time now.. until Handsome decided a really wicked pair of orange heels could be purchased (yay... with his money)... I now have more heels that I know what to do with. One good turn and all that.

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    1. Ooooh, maybe I need to start practicing so someone will buy me shoes, too!

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  3. I always thought one dress was ok to wear to multiple weddings. Even my own husband told me that it's not ok because it's weddings within the same group of friends, and they will notice! Will they? I wouldn't! I have a petite body type but I seriously always feel like a hot mess. Always. I feel like everyone is put together and I have wavy, messy hair and I forget to do my nails and there's a run in my stockings, when I remember to wear them. And speaking of that, I never know what kind of legwear is in fashion. It's bad. I have two fashionable sisters, luckily, and they somehow don't lose patience with me.

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    1. Hahahaha it's good to have people like your sisters around for sure. Thanks so much for reading!

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  4. I have worn the same dress over and over again to wedding.

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  5. I love your story telling! Happy SITS Day!

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  6. What a fun post! Love your sense of humor! Cheer up...when you get old enough, no one expects you to wear a dress and heels anymore. That's where I am....slacks and flats are where it's at! Happy SITS Day, girl!

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  7. Happy SITS Day! This post made me laugh out loud! I can relate on so many levels. :)

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    1. Thanks so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!!

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  8. Fun! Hope you ended up with plenty of dresses to choose from and heels that didn't ultimately make you break your neck. As with all things: practice! And maybe go for kitten heels.

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  9. Happy SITS Day underpants girl! I totally understand about the heels--I'm a jeans and sneakers kind of gal. After I started being an at-home mom my t-shirts ate all the nice "work" clothes and now when I need to look professional for a meeting, I end up in nice jeans, cowboy boots and a shirt that doesn't have bleach stains.

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    1. Thank you!! I like the way you roll. Thanks for reading!

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  10. LOL Totally have seen and been a part of the Group Zip at at least one point in time. :) I refuse to divulge how much, though - 5th Ammendment rights and all that. :)

    I had to get used to heels in college when I was in choir and we had to own heels (we all wore matching outfits and heels) and STAND in them to perform for over 2 hours not to mention walking around an mingling after performances. I still have nightmares, but now wear heels like a boss. :)

    Happy SITS Day to you, and I hope it is an amazing one for you! :)

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    1. Oh my God, mingling in heels? Never ever. I will have those babies off so fast!.....

      Thanks so much for stopping by, I hope you come again!

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  11. I have never, ever been able to wear heels successfully (hating my high heel girlfriends even more) and I, too have line backer shoulders, so can totally relate. Glad it all came together for you!

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  12. Congrats on your SITS Day. Hope it's a good one :)

    Fun post!

    Group Zip is cool if it's someone you know. I was recently in a dressing room with my daughter and I had come back with a different size pants for her and a women I don't even know wanted me to help her zip up her dress. It wouldn't go up - only half way. She was to big for this dress and I was a little put off trying to help her. Which I did, but if that ever happens again, I will politely say I can't help - lol - have a great day!

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    1. Thank you! And I totally agree. See, in that situation I feel like you should totally know that you're too big for the dress. If it's really close and you think it's just a matter of that little extra help, no problem. But if you have to go asking strangers....get the next size up. :-)

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  13. I think I missed a few days at Things Girls Should Know also. I can't even put my bra on behind my back. I do it in front and then turn it around like a 90 year old lady. I'm 27.

    I SUCK at walking in heels! I don't own any. My husband tried to convince me to wear some for our wedding, but then not only would I walk like an idiot down the aisle in front of everyone, but then I'd be taller than him. Ummmm...I'm good.

    The group zip is the best.

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    1. Hahaha love it! I do the same thing with my bra! Wait....do some people actually do it behind their back? Are they magicians?

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  14. Happy SITS Day to you! I have read your Blog before, and almost fell off the chair laughing.

    Love your stories, especially this one about the black dress and walking in high heeled shoes. Luckily for me, my mother and grandmother are and were both Fashionista's so I received alot of tips and practice for walking in high heels from a very young age (as well as learning how to make the perfect martini and pink gin at the age of 5 for my grandmother! ha!)

    Really enjoying reading your Blog and hope you enjoy your day!

    Jeanine @
    A Fabulous Life in Jamaica



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    1. Haha I'm glad you didn't injure yourself while reading! And I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

      Um, we need to be friends- I have no idea how to make pink gin and I MUST!

      Thanks for reading! Hope to see you again :-)

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    1. Thank you! Glad you liked it :-)

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  16. Seriously, dying. Dying with laughter!!! Oh my God, the part about how you can't tell which wedding you were at because of having the same date almost made me pee in my pants!!! Cannot wait for Lisa to read this, am sending it to her right now!!-The Dose Girls (Ashley)

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    1. Haha thank you!! Glad you enjoyed it!

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  17. Congratulations on your SITS day. I hope it's a wonderful day for you.

    Yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't get the healthy girl gene either. I got some warped version that doesn't like shopping and only own three pairs of shoes.

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  18. You have the most hilarious blog ever! LOVE IT! Thanks for sharing. Hope you're having a great SITS day!

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    1. Oh thank you!! I'm glad you liked it, hope you come back! :-)

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  19. OMG happy SITS Day! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. On the dress, I am built similarly - if you have cleavage, I find halters are the best way to cut the huge shoulders I have and keep people focused on my larger, ahem, better assets. I have a ton of weddings this summer, too. Must be the age.

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    1. Thank you, thank you! Yeah, I think you're right - I need to distract 'em, that's key! :-)

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  20. I love the way you can take a (mostly) normal event and make it hysterical! Well done! And Happy SITS day too!!

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    1. Haha thanks! I'm glad you liked it!!

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  21. You make me laugh. In an undignified manner. Happy SITS Day. Yours may be my favorite! Cheers, Leslie from The Sweet Midlife With Lynne and Leslie

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    1. That's awesome, so glad you like it. And thank you!

      Best compliment ever, please come back and read! I'm going to check out your blog now.

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  22. This has been the most entertaining thing I've read all day! I have my own body-part issues with my legs, so I totally get it! Oh, and Have a great SITS day!

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    1. Thanks for reading, I'm so glad you liked it!

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  23. Yeah, I sometimes think I missed a day or two of how-to-be-a-girl class as well. Oh well.

    Happy SITS Day !!

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    1. Glad I'm not the only one! Thanks!

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  24. Oh my! I laughed so hard when I was reading this! What a story!

    Kinda reminds of the one and only time I wore a corset. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't bend over, and I couldn't sit down. Why do we do this stuff to ourselves!

    Happy SITS Day!

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    1. Haha thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

      Oh my god, a CORSET? I don't think I could ever do that, I give you a lot of credit!!!

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  25. Came over from SITS. Loved this post! I haven't worn a dress or heels in years. If I can't run in it I usually don't wear it. :)

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  26. I obviously missed that class as well:) I hate heels with a passion! Awesome story, and happy SITS Day!!!

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  27. Came over to tell you happy SITS day and am pleasantly surprised to find out how funny you are!~ just joined your GFC and Blog lovin. Look forward to hearing more from you!

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    1. Oh thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I look forward to having you as a new "follower"!

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  28. Man, I hear you on this one. I can't curl my own hair if my life depended on it. And somehow ALL my friends can curl their hair with their straight iron? Not me. I can craft like crazy, but put a curling iron in my hand and I'm useless :)

    Loved this post, and love your blog! I am catching up on my commenting and saw your SITS feature - congrats! Had to stop by and see what you're all about :)

    I hope you'll check out my blog as well - www.sweetandsavorylife.com

    Happy Sunday,

    Sarah <3

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by! I'll definitely check yours out!

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