On how I became xenophobic by accident.

So this morning I had to go get blood work done, which I’m sure was a genius move on my part in light of the fact that I went to a bachelorette party this weekend and so my blood was having a love/hate relationship with anything that wasn’t 100 proof vodka yesterday. But whatever.

Anyway, I do this every year as part of my Let’s Keep Becky Alive and Healthy program, and so it’s pretty cut and dry. Fast for 12 hours, check in, obsessively think of everything you’re going to eat when you get out of here, and then sit for an hour and a half longer than anticipated because they never schedule these things accurately.

So when I was feeling a little light-headed walking into the lab, I knew that it was that common feeling I get if I haven’t hydrated or fed myself for approximately 3 hours. Also, I didn’t take my allergy medicine this morning because I was nervous it’d have weird side effects if I hadn’t eaten anything, and so my head was also foggy from all of the pollen floating through the air trying to kill my sense of joy.

Basically, I was sort of killing it this morning with how on top of my game I was.

But when I sat down and was making light-hearted banter with the lab tech, I got a little worried as I started to see two of her. And then this is what I remember happening:

Me: There’s not two of you, right?
Tech: Excuse me?
Me: You’re not, like, a twin?
Tech: A twin?
Me: I see two of you.
Tech: Are you feeling alright?
Me: I was until there were two of you! And now I’m feeling sort of panicky.
Tech: Just relax and breathe and don’t look at the needle.
Me: Um, the needle is not my issue. I’m totally fine with needles.

And then I glanced down at the needle and the next thing I know, I’m being propped up by two lab techs speaking in Spanish.

Now, for those of you who have never passed out, a few things to note: 1, it’s a disorienting feeling because, well, all of the oxygen rushed out of your brain and so it takes a minute to remember how to, you know, be a person. And 2, when people are speaking another language as you come to, you, for a split second, wonder if you’ve had a stroke and no longer understand English.

Also, in light of this, you might come across as slightly xenophobic.

Me: Are you speaking English? Can you please start speaking English?! I don’t understand anything but English!

…said the crazy lady who hates all romance languages.

Tech, in English: Rebekah, are you feeling ok? You started to pass out there for a minute.
Me: I think so….and thank you for speaking English. I got scared that I had a stroke.
Tech, laughing: No, you definitely didn’t have a stroke, you just started to fall off the stool, but by the time we caught you, you were coming to.
Me: So I only half passed out? That’s actually impressive on my part.
Tech, unsure how to respond: Would you like to reschedule your appointment?
Me: Are you kidding? I can’t fast twice! Let’s get this show on the road so I can eat some cookies and drink apple juice.
Tech: Actually, we don’t have that here today, unfortunately.
Me: If I pass out again do you think you can score some?
Tech: I’m sorry, ma’am, it doesn’t really work that way.

Happy Monday, everyone!