Wednesday, August 7, 2013

And then I called kids "whipper-snappers" and drank Metamucil.

This morning someone called me ma’am. And while we all know that it’s not the first time, it didn’t sting any less, you guys.

You can tell I've matured by
how I hold my wine glass. 
Which got me to thinking about when, exactly, I became an adult. When did I turn from ‘miss’ to ‘ma’am’ and how on earth do I make it stop? Was it when I finally moved out on my own and started working in the “real world”? Was it when there was a 3 in front of my age and everyone assumed I’d finally matured? Or was it when I realized that, while my soul feels perpetually 16, my body clearly looks like a ma’am.  

Which got me to thinking about all of the things that happen to you as an adult that totally suck.

For example:  

You cannot sleep in. When I was a teenager and through most of my twenties, I could sleep half of the day away before even considering waking up. So much so that I used to go to my 11am “morning” class in college in pajamas. To be fair, though, the class was IN my dorm and so technically I didn’t have to leave my house.

But now, if I sleep until 8 it’s like I’ve hit the lottery, and even then, I’ve likely been waking up every half hour thinking I’ve missed a meeting or an alarm or I just really want to wake up to French press my coffee and read the newspaper. And then I get sad because I realize I’ve become an adult. And then CB points out that adults don’t normally have sparkle phones and I feel much better.

You check in on your 401K. Just that sentence alone says it all. And makes us simultaneously responsible and horrifically uncool, which is sort of the underlying theme of adulthood, I've found. 

You talk endlessly about what’s for dinner. Up until a few years ago, the contents of my grocery list included “ramen” or “peanut butter.” Though, to be fair, those sometimes are still on my list now (and don’t ask my friends about the time I confessed to putting ketchup on my egg noodles because you’ll find out that my friends are big fat liars and nobody should listen to them ever.)

But in the last few years I’ve become that person who watches cooking shows and reads cooking magazines to get Quick Weekday Meal ideas and stuff.


I mean, I’m not the person who rips recipes out of magazines and adds it to her cookbook. Hell, I’m not even the person who OWNS a cookbook. Except I totally am that person, you guys, and it’s freaking me out!

Yesterday, I had a whole conversation with my coworker about the best way to cook asparagus. And then I had a whole conversation with CB about what our menu options were for the week based upon the groceries I’d purchased.

And then my child-heart cried.

You use anti-wrinkle cream un-ironically. And you also make sure to put it on your neck, which is  a sign you take this sh*t seriously.

You start talking about things that hurt. This one is hard to admit because it’s the ultimate sign that you’re no longer twenty-something. But when you and your friends can sit around talking about joint pain and your bad backs, you know you’ve gone ‘round the bend.

Also, if you’re doing this while simultaneously looking at your 401k, just end it now.

You think of old people as young to make yourself feel better. 

It’s important to understand that the conversation you’re about to read happened while we were making the bed.

Me: “Did you hear that?”
CB: “What?”
Me: “Dustin Hoffman is 75.”
CB: “Yeah, he’s been around for a while.”
Me: “He looks really good for his age.”
CB: “He does.”

Silence, fluffing pillows.

Me: “I mean, if I had to guess, I’d never guess he was in his 70s.”
CB, clearly not as invested in the conversation: “Yeah.”

Silence, straightening the bed runner.

Me: “Do you think that’s because we’re getting older?”
CB: “What?
Me: “I mean, when I was younger, 75 sounded super-old. But now when I hear that someone’s 75 I’m like ‘oh, that’s not old at all.’”
CB, staring at me.
Me: “Like, do you think that it doesn’t seem old because I realize subconsciously that I’m closer to that person in age now than I was 15 years ago and so I’m trying to make myself feel younger by making them not seem old?”
CB: “I think you think about this kind of stuff more than the average person.”
Me: “But do you know what I mean?”
CB: “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

And then he left the room, likely to contemplate how wise and deep I am.

And the list goes on. What did I miss? 

Happy Wednesday, everyone! 


  1. Twice in the last 30 days I've had a dream of someone telling me I need reading glasses and it made me very angry and defiant. I have yet to succumb to anti-wrinkle cream but I know I can't put it off much longer. But I still wear glitter eye shadow so I know I'm not really an adult.

    1. Hahah I think the eye shadow totally balances it out!

  2. I believe that, as we age, we will continue to apply our anti-wrinkle cream lower and lower. Mine currently reaches a couple inches south of my neckline. Damn you Father Time!!! DAAAAMN YOU!

  3. It totally sucks getting old. I totally plan the weekly meals and stress out when they're not planned. But, in our defense, our parents used to take care of the food. And since food is basically #2 in importance of things we need to survive, I don't think it makes us OLD, it makes us SMART.

    The not being able to sleep in part is my least favorite.

    1. I like the way you think! Not old...SMART!

  4. Despite being 30 and almost 6 months pregnant, someone called me miss last week...

    I heard you on becoming and adult. Sometimes I keep waiting to feel like a "real" adult. First I thought it would be when I had my own apartment. Then when I moved in with my (now) husband. Then when I got married. Maybe now that I'm almost a parent I'll start to feel like one? In total and utter denial!

    1. Congratulations, btw!

      I'm in total and utter denial, too! Maybe when the baby comes OUT? Let me know! :-)

    2. I'm nearly 35 and my daughter is nearly 14. I still don't feel like a "real adult".

      I'm not sure if it's denial or what. If someone ever figures it out, they will be my hero.

  5. Laughing hysterically about the points...I am SO anal as an adult that I go through my cabinets to see what I have and then make a weekly meal plan and then add to that anything I am missing. GAH adult status! Or is that food blogger status? The one I miss most lately is sleep...all the stress from work is keeping me awake at night and the bags under my eyes definitely make me look older than Dustin Hoffman ;)

    1. I think it might be partly food blogger status and partly adult status....

      Cucumbers! Put cucumbers on your eyes (add 'em to the list!). Or Hemorrhoid cream...sounds grody but it works!

      You're welcome. :-)

  6. didn't read the whole post because this happened:

    I read the title, got to 'whipper-snappers' and thought 'Wow I haven't heard that in forever'...then I went to begin reading, and someone on tv said something about whipper-snappers. WTH? ARE YOU IN MY TV?!

    Now, I will go back and read...

  7. Okay, now that I've calmed down and actually *read* the post...

    27. 27 is the age you officially become an adult, because when I was a kid, 27 sounded like the most grown-up number ever. I still think it sounds older than 33.

    As far as more things that happen as an adult that totally about going into the kitchen, forgetting why you were in there, opening the fridge and thinking 'WHERE ARE MY SHOES'?


    1. I've totally done that! Ok, not shoes in the fridge, but keys for sure!