Wednesday, August 28, 2013

How to swim with sharks.

So today I'm obviously going to devote the blog to talking about Miley Cyrus.

Ha! Just kidding. After googling what "twerking" meant, my corneas were voluntarily burned and my brain bleached.

Actually, I'm on my way down to the Jersey Shore later today for the few last days of summer. While there, I plan on taking a paddle boarding and possible surf lesson. And also maybe will be eaten by a shark.

CB: "The girls are going to paddle board and surf on Friday."
Me: "Oh fun!"


Me: "In the ocean?"
CB, laughing: "Uh, yes."


Me: "Aren't they worried about sharks?"
CB: "They'll be in the bay, they'll be fine."

Then I laid there in silence having an awake nightmare about them all being attacked by wild bay sharks.

Cut to: the next morning.

Me: "CB mentioned you guys are going paddle boarding and taking surf lessons on Friday. So fun!"
NK: "Obviously you're coming too, right?"

Pause. Panic.

Me: "Oh totally!.....Are you at all worried about sharks?"
NK: "No joke, you can't wear a life vest. I mean, you could, but you'd be the only one. And You can't wear a life vest."
Me: "Oh no problem, I'd never wear a life vest on a paddle board!" 


Anyway, I'm totally fine, you guys, and in no way have I been giving myself shark pep talks. Like, question:

What does one do if they happen to see said shark below their paddle board?
Answer: Pass out and die.  
What does one do if a swarm of baby sharks come over to say hello while you're learning how to surf?
Answer: Pass out and die.

So, basically, I'm totally prepared and promise not to wear my life vest. Because, let's get real: if a swarm of baby or grow-up sharks come by to say hello, a life vest isn't going to keep me from passing out and letting them eat me for lunch and/or a snack.

Anyway, I'm totally psyched, you guys! And, if I survive, I'll blog about it next week!

Happy Labor Day Week/end, everyone! What are you guys doing for the holiday?


  1. A life vest doesn't discourage sharks. If anything it would make you a floating hors 'd'oeuvres.

  2. My husband and I are trying Paddleboarding in a couple weeks. I am also a bit afraid of sharks! Even if they supposedly aren't around here this time of year and not in the shallow water we will be going into. I'm still paranoid though!

  3. Well here in San Francisco area I plan on drinking, riding my motorcycle with our motorcycle family, drinking some more, laughing at the drunks in our family, going to a party to drink some more. and go to the hospital on Tuesday for a new liver.

  4. You're going to the Jersey shore - you won't be able to see into the water anyway. Problem solved.

    (I'm a Wildwood girl, I meant that in a loving way.)

  5. Oh, the horror! You had to mention THAT tongue. That horrible, horrendous tongue. (Seriously, she should have a doctor look at that thing.) You may have nightmares about sharks, but now I'm going to have nightmares about being licked by a Mouseketeer. *shudder* Thank you, Becky. Thank you very much.

    But I won't hold any grudges. Instead, here are some tips given to me by a dear friend in North Queensland:
    1 - Don't swim in the sea. More than 99% of shark attacks happen in large water masses known as oceans. You can tell if you're in an ocean by tasting the water. It should taste salty.
    2 - Don't go into the water without a knife. That's to stab the nearest swimmer when you see a shark. As soon as he/she is bleeding profusely, swim to shore really fast and say you tried your best to save them. You may even get an award for bravery.
    3 - Listen carefully. All sharks have a theme song. If you hear dah-dum, dah-dum, dah-dum.... swim for your life! If, however, you hear dadum dadum dadum dadum, it's too late. You're a goner.
    4 - Don't panic. Stay calm if a shark bites you. It's over, you're gone, it won't help you to try and survive. The people on shore will appreciate it, they don't want to hear your wild thrashing and screaming. It's not nice. Please think of the children.

    As I have yet to be nommed by a shark, I have to say my friend's advice works. I hope you find it useful too.