12 Things Not to Freak Out About While Planning Your Wedding

So as you all know, we’re in the midst of wedding planning. Which, if we’re being honest, is the equivalent to becoming bipolar overnight because you’re both exhilarated and terrified – excited to be marrying this great guy who totally gets you, but terrified that the Wedding Police will show up at your door to tell you that you’re doing it all wrong.

Also, you may find yourself vaguely relating to Carrie from “Homeland” and being like “That lithium thing really seems to do the trick!”

I mean, there’s the rational, sane part of you that’s like “Suck it, WP, I’m doing things my way!” And then there’s the irrational bride part of you that’s like “Oh my God I need to order reception sparklers for everyone to carry around at the reception when CB and I leave the grounds!”

No, Bipolar Bride, you do not. It just looks really cool on Pinterest and in The Great Gatsby because that’s how Pinterest and Baz Luhrmann operate. DO NOT ORDER 200 SPARKLERS FROM THEKNOT.COM. Put down your laptop and move away slowly.

However, I think turning (sometimes) rational, (sometimes) logical, (sometimes) normal, grown women into lunatic, taffeta-laden psychopaths is a wedding conspiracy out there created by and for women to try and convince all brides-to-be that we’re DOING IT WRONG OH MY GOD YOUR LIFE WILL BE RUINED IF YOU DON’T HIRE A LIVE BAND.

Do I sound like Carrie yet?

Whatever, I’m definitely onto something, and my point was proven earlier this morning when this article appeared in my inbox.

 “Wedding To-Do: 12 Things Every Bride Must Do Before The Big Day.”

 Let’s take a look, shall we?

1. Plot a back-up hair and makeup plan. One that you can carry out yourself with your own makeup and hair products just in case your stylists don't do what you ask or you suffer some sort of mascara, faux lash or hair extension malfunction on the Big Day.

Ok, this sounds terrifying to me on a number of different levels. First, if I suffer a mascara malfunction on the day of my wedding, I might have to call the whole thing off. Mainly because I don’t know what a mascara malfunction is. Did I get some in my eye? Did I put it somewhere other than my lashes and then it got awkward? Did I cry because I realized I’m a crazy person who is worrying about my mascara malfunctioning and now it’s running all down my face? I’m very confused.

1. Water-proof mascara, 2. Glitter eye
shadow.........

Second, can we all just get on board with the notion that I probably shouldn’t put any fake hair on my eyes or my head the day of my wedding? We all know that either my eyelashes will get stuck together and then I’ll have a weird stroke face while walking down the aisle, or my hair will start to fall out halfway through the evening and will end up being part of my bustle or something. And then I’ll just look like I have an auburn tail and it’ll be weird in the pictures.

And finally, let’s also agree that nobody wants to see my backup plan for hair and makeup because it’ll end up being my hair in a ponytail and some glitter eye shadow to match my shoes. 

2. Have a heart-to-heart. Preferably with anyone -- mom, dad, sister, best friend -- you think may be worried their relationship with you is at risk of changing once you're a Mrs.

Really? I mean, I’m all for heart-to-hearts (preferably via text message), but I’ve got to believe that my friends and family are all pretty secure in the fact that things can only get better for them once I’m a “Mrs” because I will no longer be their problem. Legally, CB has to listen every time I want to have a conversation about who the best Golden Girl is (Rose) or rub my head when I have a headache. If anything, someone should probably have a heart-to-heart with him to double-check that he’s aware of all legal stipulations in this love contract.

3. Taste test any and every food or drink you can that will be served. Gotta make sure it meets your/your guests' standards! Plus, yum!

Ok, I kind of like this tip because it involves me being able to eat and drink. So I’ll leave it be.

4. Have a date night with your fiance. During which you do what he'd like to do and talk about what he wants to talk about -- no wedding drama chat allowed, unless he's interested in going there, of course.

Wait, am I marrying Don Draper? Why are we only talking about what he wants to talk about and doing what he likes? Are we assuming that I’ve become so unbearable that every conversation we have is about the wedding? Because if that’s the case, I’d like to break up with myself and save him the trouble. I’m the worst.

5. Buy a comfortable pair of flats or flip flops to change into. In case your shoes start to kill you by the middle of the night and you want to dance!

This sort of goes without saying, but we all know I’ll be in sparkle flip-flops by the cocktail hour, right?

6. Discuss the logistics of walking down the aisle with a bouquet and a train and linking arms with your father on one side (and if you're Jewish, your mother on the other) or whoever is giving you away. A moment you might never imagine could be so tricky till you try to carry it out!

I’m going to give my parents the benefit of the doubt that they know how to walk in a relatively straight line while linking arms. Also, if this is “tricky” for us, maybe we shouldn’t be trusted to walk on our own?

7. Sneak in some solo time. To just be with yourself and not plan and not freak out over table numbers and seating charts and allow yourself to truly breathe!

I’m not gonna lie, if I’m the woman being described in this checklist, nobody will really want to hang out with me anyway, and so finding some solo time might not be one of my bigger problems.

8. Bond with your closest girlfriends (bridesmaids?) in a meaningful way ... that doesn't involve wearing a fake veil or neon penis necklace or doing blow job shots.

Wow, you guys, I’ve been doing bonding wrong for more than 20 years!

9. Discuss joining finances if you haven't already. Once checks start coming in, you don't want there to be confusion about whose account they should go into.

I didn’t have anything witty for this because if money coming in is one of my problems, I’m pretty much loving my life right now.

10. Do an engagement shoot. Or several! At one or a few of your favorite places. It doesn't even have to be formal with your actual photographer. Enlist a friend and their iPhone. Because as a former bride and close friend once said to me, you can never have too many photos of you and your fiance looking young and in love!

I beg to differ. First of all, we’re not that young and so we may just decide it’s better to glance back at pictures of ourselves in our 20s doing blow job shots with our friends during bonding happy hours. Plus, those pictures will be way more interesting conversation pieces during dinner parties than a picture of the two of us jumping into the air on a pier while high fiving and blowing each other a kiss.

11. Confront any fears, stress or concerns you have about marriage -- head-on. With and without your fiance. Because no matter what fairy tales and society say, pre-wedding anxiety is totally normal, and most of us understandably feel it at one time or another before making a lifelong commitment!

Again, I think this might be more of a concern for CB since I’ll be busy worrying about my mascara and bonding with friends and family over how to plan a date focused on what he wants to do and say. I mean, I only have so many hours in the day, people!

Also, if I have stress or concerns about marriage, should I, I dunno, talk about those with my fiancé?

12. Practice "the kiss" with your fiance. A lot. Can't hurt!

Ok, I’m going to let this one go because the author clearly ran out of ideas by number 12. Also, I try to practice this all the time and CB is always like ‘Oh my God get away, woman!’ and then I’m filled with love and joy and comfort about our pending marriage.

***

So do you see what I mean? Why are we trying to stress out over things that aren’t things? I’m very good at doing that on my own so I really don’t need anyone’s help from the Huffington Post.

But am I alone here? Have you guys experienced BB syndrome, too? Should we form a support group or something?

Happy Monday, everyone!