Halloween Candy Do's and Don'ts.

Let's get real. I pretty
much nailed it early on.

I think I’ve just about aged out of the period in my life where I’m deciding what I have to be for Halloween and, instead, am deciding how close to Halloween it’s appropriate to start buying candy in bulk “for the kids who might come to our door to trick or treat.”  

Also, the other day some co-workers started laying down bets that I won’t be able to “say no to free food and/or candy” three months or less prior to my wedding, as I said I would.

At first I was offended and then I was quietly proud that I’m known for something so unanimously among my peers.

Anyway, as it’s the Eve of Halloween, and since I’m your candy connoisseur extraordinaire, I will proceed to list the five best and worst Halloween candies to give out tomorrow. Please take careful note and pay no attention to the five foot nine woman-child who may show up at your door dressed as Miley Cyrus’ foam finger tomorrow.

Let’s proceed:

Best:

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. This is a given and people with peanut allergies really miss out. Also, nobody had a peanut allergy when I was a kid and so I call foul on this one. Just eat it. It’s soooo good. Plus, if it’s the last thing you eat before you die, win/win?

Gummy Bears*. These are delicious. Even after my vegetarian/vegan friends remind me that gelatin is the work of the devil, I am impervious to a moral high-ground when gummy sweetness is presented before me. The little bags are a tease as well, but I’d rather have five happy bears staring back at me than none at all. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, people. (*can be replaced and/or complemented by: Gummy Worms, Swedish Fish, or Sour Gummy Bears – though that last one is risky for the more sensitive mouths out there.)

Candy Corn. This is a very controversial statement, I realize, and I’m pretty sure that there isn’t another candy around that elicits such a visceral response. “Oooh, candy corn!” or “Ew, candy corn!” Also, the other day I brought in Halloween cupcakes for my coworkers to enjoy and fashioned them with a side container of candy corn in case they wanted to decorate said cupcake with additional refined sugar.

Then a colleague told me that if you light a piece of candy corn on fire it’ll burn like a candle. And then I contemplated lighting a fire in my workplace before he told me he was just kidding and also questioned my ability to live on my own without professional supervision.

Anyway, candy corn is the best.

M&M’s. Plain, peanut, peanut butter – you cannot go wrong. The plain M&M’s are familiar, safe, and delicious. The peanut and peanut butter ones add a twist to your bag, though, as above, may risk killing a few randoms. It’s a risk I’d be willing to take.

Full Sized Candy Bars of Any Kind. When I was growing up we would always try to go to the “rich subdivisions” where they gave out full sized candy bars. Because honestly, a “fun size” Snickers is really just the opposite. It’s a tease. It’s not fun at all to bite into a candy bar twice and have it be gone, having to savor the nougat and contemplate what nougat is.  

I mean, don’t get me wrong - better a fun size than no size – and I won’t even tell you what kind of candy bars to buy (though Snickers and Three Musketeers are a safe, traditional bet of champions). No child (or adult) in their right mind will scoff at full sized. It’s ambitious, it’s unexpected, and it guarantees respect from 9 year olds dressed as a Promiscuous Princess.

Worst:

Good n’ Plenty’s. Please don’t give these out because it’s the candy that gets left at the bottom of the bag, not even taken by the parents who are “checking your candy for razors” (remember the 80s?), and then gets eaten sometime in April when you’re frantically searching for anything to snack on at 11pm at night. And when you find it in your pantry you’re like ‘ew I don’t like these,’ but then your need for any candy substance wins over and you grudgingly eat it in the dark. Or something.

Pennies. I realize this isn’t candy, but please don’t give out pennies. I remember as a kid there would always be some nice, older lady throwing pennies into my bag and then I was left to wonder if maybe they were penny chocolates. They were not.

Apples. We’ve discussed this several times here on the blog about how fruit is not dessert. Which would immediately disqualify it from being included in a Halloween bag as a treat. I mean, I realize that the childhood obesity rate is skyrocketing – as is the adulthood obesity rate – but this just makes kids think you’re a downer who hates fun. And no matter how cool your decorations are, nobody wants to go to the apple house. It’s just not done.

Raisins. Also not candy. See above.

This candy.  This is the candy that you find at the bottom of your purse that now tastes like keys and you’re like “no seriously, WHERE does one buy this candy?” And then you put it back into your purse for safe-keeping.

What do you think? Have I missed something here? What are YOU giving out this year?