Tuesday, August 14, 2012

An Open Letter to Shark Week: I hate you.

Guess what Shark Week? You’re terrifying. You’re basically all of my biggest fears coming true in high definition while people narrate what will happen to me if I step foot in the ocean. But what I don’t understand about you is that you insist on terrifying me before I even watch your entire week’s worth of programming. Here are a few examples:
  • You name your shows stuff like “Air Jaws Apocalypse” and “Sharkzilla.” That’s not fair. First of all, how am I not supposed to turn on something called “Air Jaws Apocalypse”? I mean, you weren’t fighting fair with that one because I don’t even know what it means, but it sounds terrifying and mesmerizing all at the same time. Also, the exact same reason people turn on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
  • The very existence of sharks terrifies most rational people. However, you’ve used your dark magic powers to find the most insane people on the planet to jump into water cages with big gaping slats for shark mouth’s to fit through. Or use people who don’t value their own limbs to then show us what exactly we should be so afraid of in the first place. Also, they say stuff like “You should never do this” and then do it, which really is a terrible way to teach anyone anything. Or allow them to sleep soundly at night.
  • You play really haunting music that follows me into my nightmares.
  • You show the circle of life in a way that Disney would definitely not approve of. I understand that this is how nature works, but I live in a giant, man-made city surrounded by all things unnatural just so I don’t have to see the beauty that is a shark eating his seal-lunch. Also, everyone loves baby seals and making people cry for your own entertainment is just plain mean, Discovery Channel.
  • You have drawn me into your website where I can’t stop reading shark facts that make me not want to ever look at the ocean ever again. And you make me feel ashamed of myself for reading something called the “Shark-o-Nator.” But hey, now I know something really not terrifying at all about being near any water whatsoever, like the fact that “Bull sharks have been spotted in bays, lagoons and even rivers, sometimes thousands of miles inland.” Oh really? That’s tremendously awesome and I’m really excited to never go near any water ever again.
  • When I go to your website, this is what I see:

I will never sleep again.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your approach leaves something to be desired and I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t stop watching you. Also, I believe you will likely start hearing from my manager when I’m unable to perform the necessary functions of my job this week because I’m sleep-deprived and constantly making random references to bull sharks and Jaws.

Ok. That is all.


  1. I, too, am terrified by sharks, but oddly fascinated. i like to watch, well, sort of like, intermittently terrifying shows and have my husband tell me when i can look again after the scary parts are over.

    also, it is real that sharks can be ANYWHERE. real and terrifying. why? why would they do that? for shame.


  2. Right?? I'm totally with you. Thank God Shark Week is only once a year, otherwise, I'd likely not be able to leave the house!

  3. Ok so I know it looks like I’m stalking but I’m really not, I just discovered you so of course I have to read everything ever posted now, does it irk anyone else that you have to read backwards when you discover a new blog? It’s like starting a book at the end and reading to the front or is that just my OCD? Anyhoo all fine here… my point and I do have one is my little girl has this song she sings no I don’t think she made it up herself it’s to coherent for that but it goes something like (sung from a sharks perspective) “lalalalala I’m really good, just misunderstood, I’m as cuddly as a whale just listen to my shark tail!!!! lalala" ok any other day this runs on a loop in its entirety in my head but of course when I am trying to describe/assault your ears it is not there. Yeah its probably propaganda (obviously) by sharks just to lure you into the water but at least while their chomping away it’s a catchy tune until shock sets in, you know for a distraction.

    1. You are quickly becoming my favorite stalker! And I definitely do the same thing. When I discover a blog I'll spend a day just reading through all of the posts. Er, I mean, working.

      Thanks for finding - and reading! (and stalking!)

      Also, that song totally helps. Thanks!