Thursday, August 30, 2012

And then Steve Jobs took all of my money from my bank account and put it in his Heaven bank account and then pointed and laughed at me.

For two weeks I haven’t been able to hear my voicemail or any phone conversation while holding my phone up to my ear like a normal person. Unless I have you on speakerphone, you might as well be talking to me through a tin can from under the earth, because that’s about where you sound like you are anyway.
So, after having a few awkward conversations via speakerphone in the middle of a New York City sidewalk, I decided I’d finally call Apple to see what’s up. That is, of course, after I called AT&T who troubleshot with me for 20 minutes and then said “Yeah, you should call Apple.”

And then this happened:

Me: I have to call Apple so they can fix my phone.
Friend: You’re going to love it. Apple’s tech support is the best.

5 minutes later.

Apple Tech Support: This is an automated message and I can understand complete sentences. Tell me your problem.
Me: I can’t hear people when I talk to them on the phone.
Apple Tech Support: This is an automated message and I can understand complete sentences. Tell me your problem.
Me: Uh…..I can’t hear people when I talk to them on the phone. For two weeks.
ATS: This is an automated message and I can understand complete sentences. Tell me your problem.
Me: I just said multiple complete sentences.
ATS: I will transfer you.
Me: Really?


ATS Person: Hi, I’m Sarah, blah blah blah blah blah. What’s the problem?
Me: So, for about two weeks I haven’t been able to hear people on the other end of the phone.

Silence for 3 seconds

Me: So….then I put them on speakerphone and I can hear them fine. But it’s kind of awkward, you know? Because nobody wants to hear my conversations with my parents or me listening to my voicemail because usually it’s just my friends talking to me as if I’m actually on the phone, so it’s almost like you’re listening to a private conversation.
ATS Person: That does sound frustrating.
Me: Right? It really is.
ATS Person: So there’s something called (I don’t remember the name of the expensive helpful product she mentioned here) for $69.95 where you can call us any time for the smallest or biggest problems with your phone for the next two years.
Me: Uh…….
ATS Person: Would you like to buy that?
Me: Wait, can you help me for free just, you know, now?
ATS Person: Or there’s a package where you pay $24.95 for a one time phone call and we’ll help you with one problem, and you’d have to pay that every time you called us back for any issues.
Me: Well that doesn’t sound like much of a deal.
ATS Person: The first one I mentioned is a much better deal for your money.
Me: To be honest, I was hoping for the kind of deal where I call you on the phone and tell you that I can’t hear anything and then you fix it for free over the phone.


Me: Also, I called AT&T and they told me that I’m still under warranty with you.
ATS Person: That’s true, you’re under warranty for 56 more days.
Me: Right……so……..
ATS Person: Which is why I told you about the first one, because that extends everything for the next two years.
Me: Right. But I’m under warranty now, right?
ATS Person: Yes
Me: So I think it’s more cost effective for me to call you while I’m still under warranty, which I paid for already, and let you fix my problem before I pay you $70 for problems that might happen in the future. You know?
ATS Person: I understand what you’re saying.
Me: Great! So how can I hear people on my phone again?
ATS Person: Or I can direct you to the online support site where you can try to troubleshoot for free.
Me: I’m confused.
ATS Person: Which option would you prefer?
Me: Wait, I think maybe I’m in the wrong department because I said a few sentences to the machine when I first called and it didn’t understand me and so maybe there’s a miscommunication.
ATS Person: No, I understand your problem.
Me: Great!
ATS Person: So do you have a preference for which option you’d like?
Me: Um…….the option where you fix my problem for free over the phone during this call?
ATS Person, laughing: That wasn’t one of the options.
Me: But it’s the one I want.
ATS Person: I understand your frustration.
Me: I’m not so sure you do. Ok. Maybe I’ll try to solve it on my own for free while I’m under the warranty and then, when that doesn’t work, I’ll just go to the Apple store during my lunch break and maybe it’ll be harder for someone to not help me for free in person?
ATS Person: It’s worth a shot.
Me: I appreciate your honesty.

And then I threw my giant book of the Steve Jobs biography at my phone to see if that would fix it, and when that failed, I flushed it down the toilet. And then I walked over to my “friend” and called him a liar to his face and walked away.
So if you need me, call Sarah and she’ll patch you through for $500 per minute to my new invisible Apple Air Phone.

"I know how to fix this and you don t. Give me a billion dollars."


  1. Now Steve's going to shoot down apple-shaped lightning bolts to teach you a lesson. You should prepare yourself.

    They usually don't laugh at you in person. I brought mine in and they went to the back of the store to laugh at me. It's much better when you can't hear them.

  2. Right?? I better be on the lookout for lightning bolts.

    Haha as long as they don't laugh IN my face, that's all that matters. Thanks! I'll let you know how it goes!