Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Why you should never trust a text from me and why bears shouldn't eat popcorn.

So my business trip started off really well. Until about 10am the first day when I accidentally caused severe anxiety to a stranger who thought that her friend had died of cancer because I accidentally texted her and lead her to believe he’d taken a turn for the worse.

I know, right?  My bad.

Let me explain. It totally was kind of not my fault. You see, I meant to text my boss, but apparently I put her number into my phone wrong, because this is what happened next:

Me: “I’m with fill in blank of name that sounds like Jud. Oh boy.”
Person who’s not my boss: “Who is this?”
Me: “Oh sorry, it’s Becky! I’m texting you from my Blackberry.”
PWNMB: “Oh no. Did he die?”
Me: “Um…what?”

Then 3 hours pass because I’m working. When I check my phone again, this is what I see:

PWNMB: “Did he die? Should I come?”
PWNMB: “Hello?”
PWNMB: “Is there still time? I can be on a plane tonight.”
PWNMB: “Please write me back, I’m getting very worried.”
PWNMB: “I’m hoping you had the wrong number but will you please confirm that Jud isn’t dead?”

F my life. And, apparently, Jud’s.

So when I FINALLY check my phone again, I say:

“I’m really sorry, I must have the wrong number. I don’t know anyone named Jud but I was meaning to text insert name of boss here.”
PWNMB: “Thank you for finally getting back to me. I’m sorry for all of the texts but I have a friend Jud who has been in the hospital dying of cancer for the last several months and I thought he had taken a turn for the worse. I’m very sorry to bother you.”
Me: “I’m really sorry that I caused you to worry. And I hope your friend Jud is ok. Again, I'm really very sorry.”

So, let’s maybe add “telephone” to the list of things I shouldn’t be allowed to use without proper supervision. This list is becoming long.

Much better. Also, nobody dies in this one. It’s win/win.

Also, has anyone else noticed this odd occurrence that happens in airports called “We’ve All Become Hibernating Bears”?

On a normal day, I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with a snack thrown in for good measure. I work out regularly and, overall, I feel pretty good.

Enter: Me at the airport.

When I’m at the airport, I become a pre-hibernation Mama Bear. I ravage the Hudson News store like it’s closing down for life, eating things like York Peppermint Patties and gummy bears all before getting to my gate. I buy a bottle of water to feel better about my sugar gluttony, and then I wander over to where they’re selling ice cream shakes before finally checking myself.

Um, Becky, you’re not a bear. Walk away.

First of all, nobody needs anything that I just described – sans the water – ever in their lives, I totally realize this. There are whole groups of people who go their entire lives without getting the sensation of a delicious York Peppermint Pattie, and somehow they survive. I’m not sure how, but apparently they do, according to National Geographic.

Anyway, at some point during the walk from security to my gate, I immediately become like a wild animal who begins hoarding as much food as possible before going into my deep, dark den of sleep for months at a stretch.

And apparently I’m not alone. While waiting for my flight, I witnessed a couple down two large sodas, a bag of large popcorn, and a box full of tortilla chips and guacamole, all within a 20 minute period. 
Also, can we all just hop right on board with the fact that airports are now simply giant, giant malls or encased, Truman-Show-like societies where we really don’t have to leave everand we all just eat our way into an early grave? Oh, also, you can totally get your shoes shined, a massage, a pedicure, and a new purse all while eating a corndog!

God Bless America.

“I can’t wait to wake up and eat more gummy worms and get my shoes shined!”

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