Last night, CB and I babysat for friends of ours who have three kids under the age of five years old. So obviously, giving them a night out so they could just be two adults without the interruption of potty training and dirty diapers was our pleasure. Plus, these kids love us because, obviously – and vice versa – and so we were like “we’ve totally got this.”
And then 45 minutes later, CB was chasing a pants-less three year old while I was holding a laughing five month old who projectile spit-up on me and herself just after I got her into her stupid, button-up onesie.
Me: “When we have kids, remind me to NEVER have button-up onesies. It took me 15 minutes to figure out which snaps went with which holes.”
CB: “So our babies will just be naked all the time? What are the other options?”
Me: “Zipper onesies. And honestly? Might save us some money on the energy bill for the laundry if they’re naked. I’ve changed her three times in two hours!”
And then our conversation got cut short because the five year old needed us to “check her bummer” after using the facilities and CB was like “no seriously, maybe we should just save our money and travel instead.” Because, in the course of two hours, we’d fed all three, read them books, changed diapers, brushed their teeth, put one in time out, cuddled, laughed, danced, taught them what a Mohawk was, and sang made-up songs in the dark as they settled into their bunk beds.
Also, I made up a song about poop in a diaper and sang it at the five month old while changing her as she gleefully squealed along and drooled. All pretty standard parent-stuff, right?
Me: “I think I might end up being a bad mom.”
CB: “What? You’ll be a great mom!”
Me: “Yeah, but I told Matthew he couldn’t lick his sister but he could go ahead and lick his own arm if he wanted.”
CB: “Makes sense to me.”
Me: “Which means that we’re going to have the kid that licks himself in school!”
CB: “Eh, could be worse.”
Me: “That’s true. But I just know that there’s no way to not mess up your kids in some way, and so now I’m hyper-aware of all of the things I say and do that might somehow scar them.”
CB: “Don’t worry about it. We don’t even have kids yet!”
Me: “Plus, I think a little adversity is good for a kid, builds grit. Like, he’s the kid that licks? Now he’ll learn how to balance that with social norms and not getting teased all the time for it. Basically, I’m alright if our kids go to therapy for, like, a check-in. Self-awareness and growth is healthy. But not long-term therapy.”
CB: “That’s your goal? No long-term therapy?”
Me: “I’m setting the bar pretty low.”
CB: “Maybe we should just travel.”
Happy Thursday, everyone!